Here I am, failed.

It sucks when you are awake at 7am with no sleep thinking to yourself "wasn't I suppose to make myself happy by now" if that is even a real thing. I find myself asking; what am I suppose to be doing in life; what is the real meaning and purpose for me. Why am I here. And the emptiness I feel when asking myself these questions is so overwhelming. I still want things like being thin losing weight and maybe this is because I don't have the answers to these other questions. So which path do I take; destroy myself because I know how because it is something; or wonder how I even find a purpose and passion. I don't know who I am and maybe it is too late for me. I am tired and I am tired of waiting and trying and failing.
I wish I new what to do. So I'm blogging like I have done for the past 6 years. Can you believe it; I started blogging that long ago starting off as a young teen spiraling in her eating disorder and loving it and turning to posting about the conflict of hating the disorder and then understanding it and still now not being able to completely get rid of it, and now so strongly feeling the urge to go back to it because it is so strongly calling to me. What is life; who is me; what am I suppose to do. I am too old in my soul and to childish in my brain I suppose. I am making zero sense. Is there anyone even out there anymore.

I can find you

      What is happiness? This is a question I have asked myself for many years. I more recently have frequently asked myself this question as I have been embarking on "full recovery" for the past while. I put parenthesis on full recovery because I believe that everyone will have a different definition of what it will mean for them. Happiness is on the top of my list for this journey; however I am not daft enough to think that it means I will be happy- go- lucky, spin in circles all the time but I do think that my normal lows will no longer be world ending life ending lows.
      It is not like I have never uttered the phrase "wow I am really happy right now" because I have; certainly on days with wonderful friends in fun enviroments or coming out of dance class or meeting individuals I believe the universe had made us cross paths. But what I have not experienced is the lack of the fear that my world will not crumble around me and that happiness is only a short experience in my down spiraling life.
      Recently however I have realized just how important it is for me to truly fight to believe that I AM worthy of having the happiness that I want in life and more importantly that I need to take the steps to get there. I can no longer hope that this is something that the universe is just going to put on my door step in a neatly wrapped package.
      I have finally accepted the fact that my actions even if caused by a slew of mental disorders and addiction are apart of me that I do have some control over it and that perhaps my inaction (waiting out and hoping these breakdowns will eventually go away on their own) is my responsibility and my lack there of using that responsibility. Over the past while and very very recently I have seen these downfalls tear apart my friendships through horrid scenes, mean words and compelete lack of self respect for myself. I have pushed people away, isolated or compeletly broken down and became a monster and unrecognizable as myself. I feel like I have watched this happen while looking into a glass box screaming from the outside and banging on the window going "NO DONT DO THIS THESE PEOPLE MATTER"
    I realize that this can greatly change someones perception of me and who they think I am but I have to have faith that I know who I am or even greater, have the faith that I know who I want to be and how to get there. I can not hope for reconciliation from the people who I have torn pieces from them out if I am taking no action to better myself. I want to be a calm, kind, comppasionate, reliable friend as well as someone who sees the hope and colour and vibrance in what the world has to offer. There is no reason for me not to choose to be happy.
     So I need to fight with everything that I have got because this is the one life I was given and there is absolutly no point in ending because there are endless amazing things I can do with my well abled body if I so choose and choosing not to live and not do good should not even be an option it is more like a bitch slap in the face to the universe says "oh you gave me breathe but I don't want it".
    I want it now more than ever. I do not what to hurt people; I want to love everyone unconditionally, I want to be strong for them; I want people to look at me and see an intelligent  happy women full of life so much that it is practically contagious. But here is the thing that is way different than anytime I have ever felt motivated to get better; I want to love myself unconditionally; I want to do good things for myself; I want to see the happiness and life in myself. I never want to feel like I am not some part of this world.
    I hope all the people I have hurt can look into me and see I am trying and I will succeed because I am going to seekout all the support I need; I am no longer making this a private fight; this is a call to myself and to anyone who wants to be a positive in my life that I am here with open arms on a two way street. Nothing will tear me down; especially not me, ever again. 

I am going to learn who I am without any darkness covering my brain. I am going to find life and I am going to live it.

Feeling something

    

        The past two days I've just wanted to feel human and feel alive and it is just so hard living in what feels like an empty dark world inside my head. It is that cleche where I feel like I am screaming and ready to explode from the inside but nothing comes out on the outside.
       I want to get drunk and get high and go to a club and dance with friends and strangers and be stupid and make bad decision that I can FEEL.
     I didn't do any of those things over the two days I've had off. I did get drunk and eat and purge nachos and my throat hates me for it. I did get drunk and think about cutting down my arms, but realizing I can't and my only excuse to myself as to why I can't was because I have to wear short sleeves at work.
    In times like these I want to drink, do drugs, and fuck. Just let someone else take over.
I want to feel feel feel.
And now I want to sleep because I know I have to because thus begins a long work week with long hours and pretending I am fine. Go through the motions because what else can I do when I can't off myself because I am too nice. I hope I won't be stuck in this cycle of work work work pay rent pay bills, repeat.
I would save more money if I just didn't eat and didn't buy all this junk I eat then purge.
I am stuck. I don't know what to do with mylife and I feel empty, what else is new.


ugh also what the eff happen to my blog lay out 
xoxoxo

Short Shots

      

          This will probably be a short post but I want to continue on my posting everyday train that I appear to be on (chug chug).
        Today was relatively okay. Nothing super eventful in the positive or negative. It is a work day (bartender work day to say the least I started at 9pm) I took the advantage to sleep in until around 3pm after being awoken only one as K (K shall be the guy that is floor dwelling so I don't have to keep calling my two friends floor dwellers because they actually are my friends). After awakening from my slumber which I very much needed A (girl floor dweller and my good friend) went for lunch to meet up with K to here some of my work gossip; yes we work at the same bar, because he didn't have the best day. I ate pizza and felt relatively okay about it or at least had other things to do to keep the guilt in the back of my mind. I then went over to my work place for a coffee which honestly was about half a glass of liqueur thanks to my lovely bartender co-worker. I sauntered in with style rocking my jeans slouchy don't care almost see through top, hair a mountain of tangled bun and glasses as to not be blind in lack of contacts; unlike what I usually look like while I am actually working so the regulars had quite the laugh.
      I went home in need of a shower and got caught up in tap tap on my phone before actually submerging myself into steaming water of glorious cleanliness. Eventually I did shower, blow out my hair and put a face on to leave the house in order to be a presentable want to get drunk off of you bartender. I had a nice shift because it was comedy night and made significantly more tips than the previous night. I want to one day go into the emotional and physical impacts of my life in the service industry but will perhaps save that post when I have it more planned out. To sum it up it can either be an escape from how I feel about me, almost like acting, no one really knows your story and feel the need to tell you their story while purchasing trust serem in the form of beer from you. Or it can be a stressful environment of needing to be good enough, pretty enough and impressive enough for your unpleasurable boss; feeling insecure and having life run through your head and being impacted by rude customers. I work solely for the fact that I need a roof over my head and some of the things I like to do for myself do cost money.
      I also finally have two days off tomorrow and Friday where hopefully I will finally be able to get some things done, like laundry, dishes and the always stressful grocery shopping because I wouldn't mind some vegetables. So far I have tomorrow ideas planned out, my friend and I (an actual roommate who lives in her own room in this house) want to go get our nails done, and I think I might get fake nails to help not purge because it hurts my throat quite a bit and I keep thinking of the fact that my teeth are already seeing the damage. My eating disordered thoughts also say that if I know I can't purge than perhaps I will be better and back on track with some intense restricting. Also a side note I wish it were warmer because walking and hiking is one of my favourite forms of exercise. I am also considering going dancing or out drinking but haven't quite decided on that.
      As of now it is nearly 4am (oh the joys of living a nocturnal bar life) and K & A are fast asleep on the floor and my mind and body have not completely winded down for sleep so I think I shall indulge in some television shows online, particularily Dance Moms first (guilty pleasure for sure) and then see if I can drift off and be functionable at a decent hour tomorrow.
       Thus ends my daily ramble and wishing everyone sweet, inspiring, motivating dreams.
xoxoxo

          also yes the above picture is me a few weeks ago and that is the aforementioned slouch don't care almost see through top.

Tuesday January twenty eighth

    

        Today has been a wirlwind and I am drifting off as I type this; it being 4am and everything.
I had a long day being awoken around 10am while rumiging was going throughout my room with people getting ready for their days endevours. As I appear to have a different internal clock in comparision to my floor stayers, I was needless to say not happy about being up so early. I tried to start my day but took a nap once there was some piece and quiet in my dwelling. I napped until about 3 and scurried myself around trying to put make up on, brush hair up and out of my way and the most challenging part; getting dressed. Tuesdays are my busiest day because I have to transport myself downtown (roughly 45 mins) to my groups and have everything in my bag prepared for transporting directly from group to work ( because how dare I be caught wearing the same thing to group as work) So I carefully chose a flowy to hide my body but not flowy enough to make me look like a balloon outfit warm enough for this fridig minus 24 degrees celcius weather.
       Group number one of the day 4:30pm- 6pm Self image focused on mind reading today- I know I mind read (tricking myself into thinking I know what other people anywhere from stragers to close friends are thinking about me - because of course they are thinking about me and ofcourse it is undoubtably negative) and I know it has become a core belief in myself, I don't believe any challenges to thought and what ever I image someone saying in their head is a direct representation about how I feel about my self, image and esteem. The hard part is coping, self compassionate thoughts and challenging or decreasing the stress related to mind reading. So far I have mastered creating my own avoidance nest for places such as the subway with a book, phone and some music. But I have areas such as work where it is alot harder to ignore people so I must travel another path of stress relief. My homework for the week from this group is to track in an alotted time how much I am mind reading and to say 10 nice things about the other person in my head (this is suppose to help prepare you to say some nice things to yourself and eventually believe it) Also to continue to work on my self care box (this I can do to reduce stress anxiety and behaviours/ symtoms)

       My second group was my open support group and my favourite group out of the two. Even though you could tell it was a week that was horrid to everyone and everyone looked like they were being suffocated by life's air itself we all had smiles knowing we were in a safe place and glad to have all accounted for from the weeks before of bonds and friendships made. The facillitator read the room well and the dropped moods so we talking about heavy topics in short making sure everyone got any advice they needed or things off their chest and then moved on to talking about things we liked ect. cats movies funny videos and cool things to check out. Its always having the group end after checking out and commiting to some time for a self care activity and then realizing it is time to go out into the real world again where we all can't stand together to fight evil that is the hardest part of the night. But we will all return to give our ups and downs the next week in our safe nest of support.

        Work this night; 9pm, was rather D E A D I mean I had 6 customers and went stir crazy. My floor livers showed up and got smashed and I ate dinner (after not eating all day) and it triggered behaviours in me; I purged about half the meal in the bar bathroom which is a step down for me who usually only participates in this behaviour from the comfort of home. I felt like I had to eat something non warning flaggy in front of my friends in order to keep them from suspecting something and triggered my one friend. Then I had garlic bread and purged half of that. I went home feeling rather sick and got stoned with my friends and I should learn that getting stoned triggers bingdes, and I would have been fine to go right to sleep if my friends had not ordered mac donalds, so I ate with them again to not trigger my friend and they did offer. I have not purged this, because if you haven't purged while high I "highly" advise against it. And then the guy floor dweller projectile vomitted all over the bathroom and the girl had to clean it all up, thankfully not me but she too was drunk so I don't know how well she did.

        Since I am still rather stoned, I decided to write another blog post (in hopes of keeping up with this) about my day and group which I may start dedicating full posts to in case it can help anyone with full confidentiality for my group members I will not be giving exact sinerios or names obviously. Now I am so ready for bed and I am hoping it is quiet and doesn't smell like vomit, that I don't get woken up at stupid o clock by a very hung over floor dweller getting increasingly fusterated getting ready for work. I am hoping for some me time tomorrow, not too much guilt over the eating and a quiet day before work at 9pm for comedy night.

Goodnight lovelies xoxo

Where I went and why I came back

      

       I stopped posting a while ago because I had no time in the world. I was trying to go to school during the summer, work full time as a server and sort out my life and see if I could recover. Needless to say I wore myself out as one does with filling up every hour of there day and forgetting to sleep.
       Things that have happened to me in the past few months
- I took a semester off of school starting December because I couldn't handle the course load, don't know what I want to do with my life and just plain out couldn't pay attention.
- I took on full time at work because I was promoted to bartender, I like the job a lot better but don't see myself staying there for more than another year.
- I kept on going to my eating disorder support group and started a body image skill building group. Both of these groups are with my favourite facilitaror and I have made a little bit of a family with my group.
- I unfortunatly have returned to disordered thoughts and listening to my eating disorder but its providing me comfort in areas where I can not find anything.

     I personally believe that I've been clinging back to my disordered eating because I have been feeling so so very lost recently in every aspect of my life. I do not know what I want to do with my life or school even and a lot of people are pressuring me to make decisions about this. Living in a different city, paying rent and life ammenities doesn't give me a lot of free time because I need to keep a standard of living and I am not recieving any school funding while I am not in school. I still hope that some magical being will come down out of the sky and tell me what path I am ment to follow.

    Next I feel generally lost as a person, being so sick with this disorder at a very young age I didn't have the time to develop a sense of self because I was in survival mode with my body and now I feel like I am a 10 year old stuck in a 20 year old body which is a pain in the ass when everyone around me at least has some grasp on who they are and how they want to act.

    Finally I am lonely. As a child I never really had a safe bonding experience, it was always stay alive, don't anger the drunk mother and please the father to his exact standards. I have problems connecting with people now and always questioning if they ever like me or want me in there life. It is a hassle and can make me too much to handle and so a lot of people leave or I make friends who are in a worse off place as me.

     I've also been in a tough situation as of right now. I have two friends living on my bedroom floor. They are a couple. They are frequently fighting and my one friend is severly into her eating disorder and doesn't want to get better and someone I idolize her body and the fact someone undying loves her, which is usually the reason they fight. I am triggered but I care about her. I have a few other friend with quite severe problems and I love them to pieces but it hurts me so deeply to the core that they are suffering that I can't handle it.
   
     I feel like I've been rambling on but I really have no where else to spew my thoughts and emotions. Even in group we have rules about what we can and can not say. Things I want to say:
- I can't stand them fighting because they are lucky to have love
- I've been purging a lot more than usual
- I've been restricting but not up to my eating disorders standards.
- I just self harmed for the first time in a while today
- My depression is full force
- I'm mildly suicidal
- I don't have the time to really do anything about it and I'm just going through the motions, and I'm not sure I want to do anything about it.
- I'm 130 pounds my first goal weight is 120 and I really want to get there
- I still miss my ex and she moved away to the UK
- I don't think I can be loved
- I want my room back because I can't find anything of mine but I want my friends to be safe

Hopefully I will write more frequently.
I don't even know if there is even anyone out there anymore.
If there is; xoxoxo 

Update

It feels like I haven't wrote in a decade but really what else has changed.

I've been taking the break up of my girlfriend and I very very hard. Feeling very alone and like I lost a lover and a friend.

My eating disorder support group is going well, it has become a constant in my life, they don't pressure me to recover, they are just there for support and honestly it helps.

I'm going no where with my counsellor and am going to need a new one despite financial disability.

I am waiting for my student loan to come in and holy shit its getting close to the first of the month and I NEED to pay rent and right now I can't even buy groceries. It is terrible and does my family help, no. I have a waitressing job but I keep having bad manic episodes and blowing it and drinking and doing stupid shit.

Realistically I am falling apart and need to channel my energy.

I am starting a 30 day shred on the first of June and I would like to share my journey with you and so the post after this one will be about the challenge.

I have not gone to bed yet today and what is in store for the day? - talking to a finacial advisor, going to class and writing a test, maybe possibly seeing my ex but probably not because she really doesn't seem like she wants to be close friends at the moment, I'm getting slightly numb to the fact that I am too much trouble for what I'm worth and everyone leaves.

I also got drunk and went from manic to depressive very quickly the other night and almost jumped off a roof... not very high but high enough it would have done alot of damage, my new friend was there and basically said I was just attention seeking (even though I wasn't asking for his attention and my brain didn't care he was there) because if I really wanted to die I would have done it already or from a higher roof.

I need to locate some coffee.