Friday, November 7, 2014

Here I am, failed.

It sucks when you are awake at 7am with no sleep thinking to yourself "wasn't I suppose to make myself happy by now" if that is even a real thing. I find myself asking; what am I suppose to be doing in life; what is the real meaning and purpose for me. Why am I here. And the emptiness I feel when asking myself these questions is so overwhelming. I still want things like being thin losing weight and maybe this is because I don't have the answers to these other questions. So which path do I take; destroy myself because I know how because it is something; or wonder how I even find a purpose and passion. I don't know who I am and maybe it is too late for me. I am tired and I am tired of waiting and trying and failing.
I wish I new what to do. So I'm blogging like I have done for the past 6 years. Can you believe it; I started blogging that long ago starting off as a young teen spiraling in her eating disorder and loving it and turning to posting about the conflict of hating the disorder and then understanding it and still now not being able to completely get rid of it, and now so strongly feeling the urge to go back to it because it is so strongly calling to me. What is life; who is me; what am I suppose to do. I am too old in my soul and to childish in my brain I suppose. I am making zero sense. Is there anyone even out there anymore.