Wednesday, April 18, 2012

way to not go to my first period class today. I need the work out but I hate team sports so I'm going to have to work out alone someother time and still go to dance class.

I feel shitty about my appearance today and I have to model for my friends photography today. ugh.

Can I just go back to bed??

I guess I'd better get my hair in a pony, my face washed and my teeth brushed for school. and eat my morning 60calorie pudding cup.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I don't want to grow old

today has been a good day food wise. I had a low cal (60cals) pudding cup and then worked that off by working hard in fitness, 10 minute run, situps, leg ups ect. Then dance class for some good cardio. then I came home and went to sleep for a long while, ate half a plate of cheesy pasta - cried about it. Did a ten minute full body burn work out because I didn't want to go into the creepy basement to get on the elliptical. And I'm going to do a video called Victoria Beckham Leg workout - funny enough she is my inspiration for legs. So ya and I'm drinking ice water.

Other than food wise my day has been shitty. My one friend is very depressed and I don't know how to help her, I know there isn't much I can do and it is incredibly triggering for me. I really want to cut but I have two photoshoots in the next two days. I've also just been an emotional wreck.

I also may have mentioned before the incredible skinniness that is my dance teacher at school and I was un certain as to wether she was naturally like that or if she's sick like us. She choreography a grade 10 lyrical dance to Courage by Superchick and now I'm really wondering. - funny I wonder about her and she'd have no idea about me because I'm so fat.

my inner voice that many of you call "ana" is back in full force by the way. It's always there but lately Ive  been getting the "you aren't allowed that and you have to do this" voices.

I think this is what I would label as my major relapse. Lets see how this goes. It's only been one day but I feel like its going to be many more. I was to be stick thin like nothing else.

-- i think i hate that my friend is so depressed because I truly care about her but a part of inside thinks "she's beautiful, everyone wants her, she's super thin and yet thinks shes unlovable and fat. if she thinks that then what am i. an abruptness to the world that deserves to be removed.

Monday, April 16, 2012

deep end

I'm going off the deep end.

I can't take all this shit life it throwing at me right now.

I almost lost my bestfriend last night, I rarely ever turn my phone off at night but last night I did because I was at my dads with out my charger and my friend cut herself, alot. far too deep, deep enough to scare her, she texted me freaking out and I didn't get the texts untill I turned my phone on in the morning, these texts about being in a bath tub, not being able to stop the bleeding. Luckly her parents walked in on her and helped. She's alive. She thinks she over reacted but the cuts are bad. Im so upset I can help her. I know what its like to be so addicted to the cutting and I saw this all coming and should have done something. I can't handle it.
My life is also stuck in a rut, nothing matters to me. The person I love has a boyfriend now so thats gone and not helping with my mood.
I'm sick of everything.
My work is ripping me off on hours so I have too much free time. I don't want to tap anymore, I don't want to be on debate team anymore but I'm forcing myself to go so I don't go completely nuts. I'm cutting and I can't tell my friend because I know it will trigger her and I need to be strong for her but hearing her talk about her cuts is triggering me.
I need a change to my apperance as well, I'm tired looking like Ido. I need to change something, what should it be? I need your guy's help.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

dance, mother, homework

So I think the audition went well. It was an interesting audition to say the least. I was expecting your usual classical ballet audition but nope. We learnt break dancing then modernized ballet with no counts, then improv which I loved and then across the floor stuff.
It was really fun.
They are only taking 55 more people out of like 300 so I don't know if I'll make it but it was fun to try. I won't find out if I make it until the end of may at the latest.

Today was a long day. that's all really. I've had a headache since this morning and nothing is helping.
my mother is bitching, she brought in dinner and made a fuss about my back pack on the floor (because i was working on a project) and shes yelling so i tell her to please be quiet my head hurts, she threw the dinner and told me I was a disgrace and that shes not surprised my head hurts because Im a stupid child.

I'm so done with her.
This project is due tomorrow I have a feeling I wont be sleeping till like 11pm tomrrow -.-

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

audition, friends, fuck ups

okay tomorrow [ well I guess today] is the day. my dance audition for university. Probably one of the biggest auditions of my life. I really want to make it in but honestly I dont know if I am that good of a dancer.  I have the pasion yes but not the crazy flexability.
And what am I thinking about on the night before my dance audition - my cellulite on my thighs and ass. its gross. I'm so fat. I lost three pounds but ugh at least 20 more to go to my first goal weight.

I'm tired, I barely slept last night and now its almost 1 am and I have to be up by 4:30am. ugh.

Im not even home since my friend is driving me to my audition. My friend is worse of than me, she is in denial about her disorder. she's thin and beautiful and gets attention from people but she can't see herself as pretty or anything but shit. she's going to a counsellor though - being forced by her parents really, with all my heart I pray she stays with the help she's getting [she's 18 and can refuse help]

anyways I should get some sleep. I hope I make it in to this program, I dont really have anything else to do with my life otherwise. and i've probably influenced my friends  problems so I'm a huge fuck up.

Monday, April 9, 2012

the tale of the bank teller and a crazy girl

"How are you?" says the bank teller. The girl at the other side of the counter squeaks out a "I'm good." If only it were socially acceptable to pour your emotions out to your friendly bank teller or at least whisper "I'm disappearing and drifting  away into a world filled with grey." If only. This girl walks wondering what it feels like to be a happy human. Questioning her humanity and sanity is a daily event. If only she was ignorant to psychological terms of depression, depersonalization, and psychosis she could do something other than label. Not that being ignorant would make the suffering anymore bearable, perhaps even worse. If only it were acceptable to talk to your bank teller. The bank teller could save her.

-- needless to say I am not having a good day. I hadn't eaten anything till about 6pm where I had pasta and tomato sauce. I got in trouble for refusing to buy cheese at the grocery store and coming home with flavoured water, and 5 calorie jello cups. Of course the trouble wasn't about the calories it was about the fact I was sent out for cheese if I wanted cheese.


I haven't blogged in forever and I am so sorry :(
I hope some of you are still there <3
I miss you guys
I have been so incredibly busy with working and going to school.
I'm still fat.
My dance audition for university is in three days.
My mother and i had a huge fight today. my dad saw this one and it just created a fight between them aswell.
Im back to stay darlings <3