I graduated lastnight :) took three hours though xD We had a very large graduating class.

I was 122 pounds this morning (im losing!)
and my shorts are too big. these pictures makes me feel in control and like I can keep on going to get rid of this awful fat.

today I am going job hunting and then to a party :)

crying

guilt trip

my dad basically blammed his thinness and sicklyness on me because i haven't been around and that its all my fault and that no one cares ( my parents are divorced and i live with my abusive mom because my dad legally and mentally couldnt care for me.) He said because I've been more independant i havent been over as much meaning im not cooking for him and therefore he is dying. He is minipulating me and he is VERY controlling (im not allowed out so i can never tell him i go out.)

I snapped saying me steven and jenn do care (my siblings)

he just drove off.

maybe if i just move in and take care of him all summer it would be better

im so self involved about having a life and starting my own life as an emerging adult but hes right.

guilt trip successful you know.

sorry im dumping this all on you but i need someone right now.,

Part of me knows its wrong of him.

I found him 3 hours later in a bar - pretending like nothing happend.

he blames me he blames money but never himself.

i cant take it anymore

adventure!

My philosophy exam went well I think but I never know - I felt like I knew the stuff I was doing.
Today my Dad and I are driving up to Huntsville ON so thats like 7hours -.-' for my brothers wedding. We have the dress rehersal tonight and the actually wedding tomorrow. My sister is meeting us up there - we were going to share a cabin and a room but for some reason she doesn't want to room with me and wants her own place -  the way she told my dad she kind of made it seem like it was because of me - which I don't understand because we've always gotten along so well. sometimes I think she suspects ED though. Regardless it really hurt my feelings and since I don't know alot of the family going (my brother and sister have a different mom but we were raised by my dad to be 'real' siblings and such) I guess I just feel like an outcast. I got them a really nice wedding gift and I'm all packed and ready to go. Thank goodness its a casual wedding :P
I hope I get some free time while I'm there - I want to sit at the lake or go for a hike!
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!! I'll update when I get back :)

exam stress

Yesterday was my last school day ever at highschool :O it was rather sad. Said thank you and goodbye to all the teachers that were amazing to me. Enjoyed my last school lunch with my friends.
Today I am writing my one and only exam; philosophy. Its going to be a killer -.- I studied all last night and I am studying righth now. Hopefully it goes well. I came off my liquid fast yesterday morning with fruit and had whole wheat spagetti for dinner. I haven't weighed myself ( I'm waiting till after the exam)
Alright so I need to get back to studying but thanks for reading :)
I'll post later today to let you know how I felt about the exam!

heart shatter

break ups suck. my ex-boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago and it was the worst pain i've ever felt. He was my first love - I gave him everything- my whole heart and yes my virginity. We talked about marriage and our fututre and applied to all the same universities. And he just grew tired of me, yes we fought sometimes but always made up. I was super close to his family. But he started really changing and then bam - dumped. And its still hard and I still cry so much and insomnia makes it worse. Its hard to keep on living each day. We are still friends and that makes it so much harder because he still treats me the same but yet different. We are both in grade 12 - final year. Now he is interested in someone who is 13!!! I personally think that it is wrong and well illegal -.- but some how I feel worthless compared to her - she was wearing his sweater today and I had to muster all the pokerface ability I had not to burst out crying because while we were dating I practically lived in his sweaters. We dated for 2years and 7months. and yes I am crying while I write this and I just needed to vent. Have any of you suffered a heartbreak like no other how do you come even though time is moving on?

nom nom liquid

first day of my liquid fast is going quite well, I've only had liquid ;) burnt calories in dance class and rollerblading to and from school today and will be walking around the mall for a few hours.
Tomorrow I have my last dance exam!!! I hope it goes well *breathes in paper bag*
I also have my philosophy exam Thursday! I'm so nervous but I got my philosophy final synthesis essay back today and got an A!
After Thursday I'll be out for the summer :) - I am taking German lessons in the summer and uni prep courses.andhopefullyajob.

I am excited for my big brothers wedding this weekend - he deserves so much to be happy and I am staying in a cabin with my sister for the weekend - I love her so much. I'll update about everything and take pics so no worries =D
I still can't comment on blogs yet and its killing me! I just want you to know I AM READING <3

Today is going good? this never happens - yay liquid fast

back back back

I'm going back to my lowest weight and more
I'm sick and fucking tired of being this fat.
watch me shrink
watch me.

whatever. life. whatever.
rubbish mood.
exactly one week of highschool left. one. then I'm done. uber stress.
fuck. 
I went shopping with a friend today and proper cried at my body - I couldn't hold it in. I'm so fat. It doesn't help my friend is so tiny and naturally thin and yet she goes on about her body.
I'm cutting so much lately. who cares. who really cares. no one.
The boy I like - yeah likes another girl - shes a model. fuck.
my mom tonight - drunk - violent - I left the house after she right hit me.
fuck.
cut.
sleep.

124.4 pounds.

this weekend went as follows:

Friday:  - drank with friends - magged

Saturday: - went to birthday party  - drank with friend at night and smoked. -played mario kart

Sunday: - slept to 4pm

I feel invisable and aweful. I never want to eat
Philosophy final task tomorrow -.-
stressed
cutting quite a bit
I like a boy that will never think of me like that and is hung up on another girl
fuck
im frozen and blank.
me today: fake smile you cant seem to see my cuts in this pic.

boom

I didn't wake up this morning - I couldn't get myself out of bed until 4:30pm
I got a 0 on my philosophy quiz because I wasn't there to write it
No one questioned where I was - no one cared. Everyone has given up.
If I didn't want to go to university in the fall I wouldn't go back.
I want to cut so badly and I did last night. 3 on my wrist and 4 on my thigh.
I haven't eaten anything "real" today as my mother would say. I don't even feel hungry.
But I might binge and purge - I don't usually do this but for some strange reason I feel it.
its 1:38am but I think I am going to go for a walk - I don't really care so whatever a walk alone seems good.
Tomorrow I have my dance final task worth 30% of my final grade [the portion of it that I have tomorrow is worth 10%] it is a self choreographed contemporary number. I did it to Sugarcane by Missy Higgins.
Tomorrow night might bring mindless drinking - not a real party though, no boys.
Okay time for my walk - maybe it'll stop me from cutting I really want to cut

bad bad day.

I wish I could comment on your posts everyone =[ hopefully I will have my laptop back soon~

I am having a rubbish day, I'm depressed and want to cut. I stopped myself  from cutting last night but it is harder now - it is 4am and I haven't gone to sleep and now I can't.
It is dress down day at school and I feel like anything I wear just makes me look uglier.
I got a comment today that sent me into hysterics.
Boy I new from grade 9: hey I haven't talk to you in a while, you look different
Me: ummm, thanks?
Boy: yeah your hair is shorter and you put on some weight I guess - you use to be like really thin
Me: haha yeah I did - guess I filled out?
Boy: too bad.

TOO BAD :( !!!  like what little self confidence I had totally exploded in my face!!!
I am 125.5 pounds as of 3 minutes ago I realize in grade 9 I was between 100 and 115.

I need to do something.
I need to stick to something
I need to get back to were I was.

I also need to go to class tomorrow - I haven't been to my first period class in quite sometime and I feel really bad and it is affecting my mark.

Sigh - time to get ready for school perhaps. Or watch an episode of an old Degrassi.

thanks guys for commenting on my prom post <3 means alot to me.

today hasn't been such a great day - i couldn't get out of bed so I skipped 2 out of 3 of my classes and then went back home. I miss my ex today. I feel fat today and had mentioned losing weight to one of my friends and they thought it was a good idea and that I should maybe even throw up [all though i am not sure that part was serious]
I need to lose some weight.
tomorrow is a fast day I think.
I want to cut.
oh and my laptop is in the shop so i am using a really old computer and sometimes it won't let me comment but i am reading <3

Prom weekend!

Prom was absolutley lovely. everyone was gorgeous.
I so very much had fun- even though the first song was me and my ex boyfriends song played and I had to leave to the bathroom - we did end up slow dancing - almost like a final goodbye, it felt right though. and then I dance with a new guy - someone i liked in grade 9 and realized I might still have feelings for him.
I spent my friday night at my house throwing a party and got a little tipsy and had loads of fun then went to the beach with alot of people from my school the next day - I love the beach so so so much. Saturday night a bunch of us went to my friends house and got sooo trashed. I was like argg trashed - but no hang over :)
it was great - now I have to buckle down and finish the school year - 12 days (not weekends) till exams.
Me in my dress :

no one cares about me, everyone leave and no one wants me.
vst4
things that numb the pain
: - booze [like now]
 cutting
starving
puking - sometimes
sex with randoms.

no one cares about me i should leave- but i cant but maybe i can blag
arg
drinks
got stopped by a cop who didnt breate us. woo
teehee
dont ever want to eat
want to cut
want to tell about not eating
no one would believe me - to fat.

PROM!!

It's prom day! spending the whole day getting ready. Hair appointment at 11 and stuff. I hope I look pretty. I promise I'll post pictures later =]. also going to grand bend beach for my after prom. These popular girls made after prom shirts that say our school name on the front and something promoting underaged drinking on the back so the school made them give the t-shirts to the school or else they aren't allowed to go to prom, they took it to the news and now our school is all over the news -.-'
Anyway my laptop is broken and thats why I haven't posted in a few days, I finally got my ollllddd computer set up and I'm using it till I get my laptop back. So an update:
my dance field trip was pretty amazing!
thaats all really.
I'll let you know how prom goes!