Its my birthday and I write a blog post if I want to :)

Today is my 19th birthday.
It's crazy to think this will be my last year as a teenager.
I'm not overly crazy about birthdays but its nice to recieve Happy Birthdays to know people remember you even if it is only for one day.
Here in Canada 19 is the legal drinking age so you can imagine what I am going to be up to tonight.
It saddens me to think this is the time where I am suppose to be a young adult reflecting on my childhood and to be honest I can't really reflect happily. So much of my life has been eaten up by abuse, depression, cutting and my eating disorder. There is no reason I can't still have youthful enjoyment now. I can't turn back the clock.
Another thing that made me a little sad and usually does is thinking about my family. My dad and mum have already wished me a happy birthday but I'm scared my siblings will forget (but ofcourse that's why facebook posts birthdays right) I guess just seeing how close my brother and sister are makes me a little sad because I got lost in the wash because I am so much younger. It's not their job to love me or take care of me or even accknowledge me because I'm only half of them since they are from my father's first marriage but I love them non the less. I just miss them and wish I were closer to them but they have their own lives.

My brother is a really rad guy though filled with lots of love for his new daughter and I'm so glad she is going to get all the love in the world, all the love I would have killed for but because I know he's suffered from my Dad I know he will do anything in his power to be the best Dad in the entire world and I know he is capable of it. If you or someone you know is interested in checking out my brother's podcast about being a Dad you can check out his website and beingdadpodcast.com :) and yes I am shamelessly promoting him :)

I also have some good news. I have been attending some grief coucelling and therapy and its really helping me in understanding and coping. I'm not ready to open up about anything in my past but thats not what this therapy is for anyway.

Things that I want to accomplish in my nineteenth year:
1. Work hard in my first year of University
2. Join activities
3. Make new friends and not be as socially awkward
4. Start a vlog chanel and university blogger separate from this one (which I hope you will all follow as well :)
5. Not be afraid of smiling or finding happiness
6. Try my hand at getting a girlfriend

I hope to have a happy birthday and I'll let you know how it goes
I love you all so much, this blog, you guys have supported me for a long time and you give me my own safe family <3 thank you!

mourning

I can't talk
I can't breathe
I can't write
I can't think
I've lost a part of me
at 6 weeks I lost the baby.
Apparently this is a natural occurrence in 60 percent of women before the 21st week.
I couldn't cope at all at first. I spent all last week out of town sitting by a lake at a cottage crying in the middle of no where.
This is the first I've been able to post about it.
I feel like it's my fault like I jynx the pregnancy because I wasn't ready for it because I was scared.
I know this happens but I don't know how to deal I don't know how to move on.

Pregnancy update; eating disorder; I am scared

     
        So I've been spending everyday for the past few weeks feeling utterly nauseas and now it's progressing to certain smells making me want to throw up (like onions which is sad because I love onions) and I'm craving weird foods like bananas which might not be weird to you but I HATE bananas. I'm also peeing alot. I don't care if this TMI because its my blog.
I've told a few friends and they are all being supportive.
All of them already know abortion is not an option for me (its just not my morals). and they don't think I have to heart to give up a baby for adoption (but when I absolutely have to think about it i may consider an open adoption)
I'm still only about three or four weeks pregnant and I'm not ready to tell my parents; I know I'm going to be kicked out because I've been informed this before. It won't hurt as much from my mum because she hates me and abuses me but me and my dad are close, he loves me but he won't stand for this and its going to hurt an unbelievable amount to lose his love. So I'm trying to enjoy all the good times I have left with him.
I'm also suppose to go off to school in September now I'm still considering going for a semester because I care about my education. Again I'm just not ready to think about it all.
Recent thoughts that have crossed my mind
 - I'm scared to get fat
 - I'm scared to lose people
 - I'm scared to be a mum
 -I'm just plain scared
 -I'm scared that the man who assaulted me is going to try and harm me or my child (he does know people I know and I will get around to telling him when  I can figure out how to contact him so he hears it from me and not other people)

I wish I'd never gone to that party.

My friend who brought me to that party feels terrible and I wish she didn't. I love her dearly and I hate to see her feeling guilty.

This was a long post but my blog is really the only place I can write about this. I'm sorry to those who follow me to hear about my eating disorder and not my pregnancy but even I realize that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my eating disorder goes away. I'm afraid that my baby is going to be harmed from permanent damage my eating disorder has caused over my life.

Things I need to do:
-take vitamins
-cut out caffine intake (apperently it can cause miscarages)
-tell my parents
-figure out a plan
-find a place to live (maybe the womens shelter)
-see if there is some group for pregnant women with eating disorders (does that exist?)

Please leave comments or questions
and your support means everything to me, my blog may be my only sanctuary in the coming months if no ones else loves me I hope you guys will <3

sometime in life a boy doesn't understand that a drunk girls no still means no.
and then you end up pregnant.
my life is over and my whole family is going to abandon me.
I'd kill myself if a whole other life isn't depending on me to be born.