Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween guys!
I hope everyone has a spooky day ;)
I'm going to try and enjoy some of my schools halloween activities and such.
I've school appropriated my Sucker Punch costume for the day haha.
My sore throat is finally gone YAY! now hopefully my cough will go away.
Nothing else very interesting to talk about - if you want to see my halloween costume just look at the post below.

hall-o-ween

Halloween party equals boozes, pills, and paranormal activity three.
Holy fuck freaked out xD
I love feeling drunk and numbed out.
Still sick tho!
This is my costume: Baby Doll from Sucker Punch (it can also be mistaken for a sailor I've been told)

I hope everyone is having a great halloween weekend!

so sick

I'm still sick D: one trip to the doctors for me today - kinda thinking I have strep.
This sucks because I coulda partied lastnight but was way to sick and I can party hard tonight but I don't know if  I can hadle it D: honestly I just want to get fucked up. UGH
On another note, my friend took some pics of my for her photography class and people seem to actually like them. here's one

I don't know

being sick is the pits.
I feel like I'm drifting.
I don't know who I am, what I am ment to do.
I don't know anything.
I just know I don't want to be here.
Every waking moment is "how could I die right now" wanting to die is controling everything.
I think I want to die because I feel like I'm living dead. If that makes sense.
I'm doing anything to feel alive but numb this huge pain all at the same time.

I hope everyone has a better day today.

today is one of those mornings I woke up wishing I were dead.

Evanescence meet and greet/ concert

so today WAS the best day of my whole entire life EVER.
I met Evanescence - got all their autographs on a cd and got a picture taken with them.
THEN I was front row for the entire concert. I rocked out so hard everything hurts now and I'm coming down with some sickness and I've lost my voice but it was WORTH IT!!
They played all my favorite songs and I cried at one because I remember being 12 and thinking if I ever got to see this song live it really was a reason to live. That song stopped me from killing myself at 12 and 13.
And the band is so cool! and Amy is the sweetest person ever! shorter in person than you'd think haha.
I was so star struck meeting her I could only manage a "hi, how are you and thank you and you rock" :P
I feel like my life is complete and that its okay to die xD
And THERE EVEN BETTER LIVE then album music :P Her phone is AMAZING!!
that is all :P enjoy some pics!

best day ever in the making

Today has the potential to be one of the best most amazing days of my life. I get to meet and greet Evanescence and attend their concert. I hope I don't forget my own name xD.
I'm leaving on a greyhound at 10:30am with my friend - we are going to hang out down town for a while then head over to the music hall. I'm so excited! sadly my friend didn't win a meet and greet but he wants me to go for the both of us - hopefully he's easy to find after!
I have loved Evanescence since I was 12 when the friend that I'm going to the concert with introduced me to their music. The music has gotten me through alot - times when I thought depression would win and anorexia would kill me -  the music litterally kept me alive.
Ofocurse I'll probably keep that to myself - I might forget how to speak all togther :P
I promise if I get an awesome picture I will post it. I'm only allowed one photo on my phone with the band - meet and greet rules. And one autograph which I am soooo going to frame xD
Today is going to be amazing - I might cry.
Hopefully everything goes smoothly and I can find my friend after the meet and greet and soundcheck and that we can get super close to the stage =D

OKAY I've rambled enough - I wish everyone of you could be with me :) I hope everyone has the best day possible.
I promise a fully photo documented adventure blog update tomorrow :)
Love you guys !!!
rock on ;)

OMG EXCITED

I WON A MEET AND GREET WITH EVANESCENCE!!
I never win contests! I cannot believe this!
Tomorrow is going to be one of the best days ever! meet and greet and concert!
:D

whatever

today was shit.
I haven't eaten at all though.
My mother is stupid and I need to move out.
My dad doesn't want to pay for dance - well he can pay for my funeral bills because dance is the one thing that makes me happy.

busy does not even scratch the surface

all of a sudden I've become incredibly busy!!

Baby sitting Saturday and Sunday
Modeling runway rehersal Sunday Evening
Meeting with Pheonix Project Dance Solo music selection process (I'm the soloist!) sometime next week
Evanescence concert Tuesday
Start dance next week
Angels and Demons Runway show Oct 30th
school (ha funny)
AND I've just been through round one auditions for two new modelling calls
holy moly I am busy.
and I still need to plan a halloween movie night
Start my dance for the christmas assembly
Start my audition piece for University dance programs
Look at god damn dance programs
save money
find love ahahaha jk
I need to be able to get out of bed for these things....
I haven't even got to sleep tonight - Im running on energy drinks and coffee -.-'

I hope everyone has a relaxed day for me :P

Today I am dragging myself to school - Going to the "we" team social justice meeting to learn the speech I make on October 24th. Then I'm going to the mall with friends for a little break - searching thriftly for my costume. I'm being poison Ivy from Batman. HOLY COW.

and right now what I really need is A SHOWER - and a smoke. and I wish I had prozac or something so I could function -.-'

Lucky with all this going on I have less time to eat.

AHEREGTDSG$#

UGH EVERYTHING IS A MESS, APPERENTLY THE WORLD DOESN'T CARE!!!
I CANT HAVE OR DO ANYTHING!
I'M A FAILURE
A FUCK TARD
I SUCK AND SHOULD DIE
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
EVERY WAKING SECOND I WANT TO DIE

sleep and the coming week

I was really put off by the doctors yesterday. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning - in face I didn't get out of bed all day - no one cared. 

I didn't eat or anything but then I binged on mac donalds and barfed it up.

I cut - and cleaned them better than usual - I don't really want a repeat of the hospital.

I had to tell one of my bestfriends I cut to take me to the hospital - she was very understanding and not upset at all and we didn't talk about it after. thankgod.

I should go to school tomorrow. I will..

The furnace broke - its freezing in my house -.-'

I've listened to the new Evanescence CD like 5 times now - Eight days till I see them live!!!

I'm almost thinking about just staying alive just for this concert. Once its over I see no point to continue on. I would like to end everything now but two things stopping me are

• The Evanescence concert (I've wanted to see them live since I was 12 and their music has saved me before)
• I babysit two precious children this coming weekend - I can't let them down, im like the only babysitter their mom can afford this weekend. 

doctors

stupid doctors. He didn't give a fucking damn at all. I told 100 percent truth and once I did he didn't even care to really look at the cut. told me to put some polysporin on it.
I guess it doesn't matter what I do.
whatever.
life is bull and nothing works out.

shit shit fuck shit do i tell?

I think one of my cuts is infected...

blahh

Im drunk
I cut
I, drunk nd i cut
kayy

pic from my makeup - hair job

+ me drunkr

Tomatos, busy and sleeplessness

Politics project complete.
I did not sleep all night and I have a busy day D:
I give a presintation to a grade 9 science class on global warming at 8am then I head to politics are 9:24 till 10:45 then I paint a banner for the social justice team I'm on for something we are doing called "Halloween for Hunger" were you collect cans instead of candy for the foodbank. Painting will take the longest.
I left a note for my mom asking for money so I can get an energy drink or something. Hopefully she gives it to me.
Other than that - tomorrow is a friday and I think I have plans with my friend Ashley to sit around and chill.
I wanted tomorrow to be a fasting day but I already know I will be indulging in some caffine liquids.

Saturady I get shit faced after I work all day on a photoshoot as the makeup/ hair artist. Anyone interested in seeing pictures?

I need to buy more long sleeve shirts ... I need a job. badly.

And today was ok. I ate a tomato and hot chocolate. I went to  a social justice meeting. I helped my friend with her photography.

square glass perfect

I fell asleep around 9pm last night and now I'm up at 4:30am too tired to do anything but no tired enough to fall asleep again quite yet.
My day at school was ok pretty boring nothing interesting.

I have this white square plate and clear mug and I know this is going to sound weird but I only eat and drink out of them when my eating disorder is really getting a hold. I only drink diet drinks and water in the mug or tea. And  I like to organize my low cal foods - usually fruits and veggies and egg whites on the white plate and I have specific patterns on the plate that I make. I like the clean crispness of the white square and the clearness of the glass. Its perfect.
I started using the plate and glass today.

I have a fair amount of school work to do today and I think I will go to my dad's house to do it.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day

ugggggggggggghhhhhhhh

text from J "your life doesn't suck  You might have some rough times but trust me it will get better. You've got amazing friends to look forward to no matter how terrible your life can get. You still make them smile so your lifes not bad. You might think your dumb every once and a while but it all works out in the end People like you and you have amazing talents"

This made me so mad because I was trying to explain depression - it hit ALL the time. Why don't people get it. I can't see my talents. I'm SCUM all the time.
CUT I WANT TO CUT

late night hours

staying up watching Prozac Nation.


Pressure on my chest
Muck filling my lungs
Surrounded by smog
Heavy and empty
Lightness in the head
Hard in the heart

A poem about how I feel

I think tomorrow I'm going to try and look decent ... but I will still look ugly.

sister thanksgiving pain

stupid cramps, I miss when I didn't get my period anymore.
In other news :P I'm going home today from my Dad and possibly going out with some friends.
We did our Thanksgiving  last night and I got away with only eating the steamed veggies.
My sister was in town yesterday but didn't come see me because she didn't want to see Dad or for him to know she was even here - she and him kinda have a relationship like him and me - our parents where not and are not very good parents.
Me not being able to see her really made me want to cut but there is seriously like nothing to do it with here so I punched my legs really hard until I felt better.
Having my period makes me super tired so I'm going to go take a nap
Sleep Hugs and wishing you a good day xxSarah

down down frown

I heard if you cut vertically they have more trouble stitching it back together. Easier to die.


I'm spending Thanksgiving at my Dad's because my mother doesn't want me.
and now I have plans with three other people to move into a two bedroom condo co-op building, rents cheap between the three of us - so the second I get a steady job we are renting it. I think this will be good for me - to be away from my partents - they've caused so much damage.
If I make it 
I baked 30 cupcakes today and didn't eat any
thank god for the internet or I'd go nuts in this house.
I need sleep but I either don't sleep or sleep too much. thanks depression.
I also really wanted to run around the house today putting sheets over all the mirrors - instead I just don't look. 

White lips, pale faceBreathing in snowflakesBurnt lungs, sour tasteLight's gone, day's endStruggling to pay rentLong nights, strange men
And they sayShe's in the Class A TeamStuck in her daydreamBeen this way since 18But lately her face seemsSlowly sinking, wastingCrumbling like pastriesAnd they screamThe worst things in life come free to usCos we're just under the upperhandAnd go mad for a couple of gramsAnd she don't want to go outside tonightAnd in a pipe she flies to the MotherlandOr sells love to another manIt's too cold outsideFor angels to flyAngels to fly
Ripped gloves, raincoatTried to swim and stay afloatDry house, wet clothesLoose change, bank notesWeary-eyed, dry throatCall girl, no phone
And they sayShe's in the Class A TeamStuck in her daydreamBeen this way since 18But lately her face seemsSlowly sinking, wasting[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-team-lyrics-ed-sheeran.html ]Crumbling like pastriesAnd they screamThe worst things in life come free to usCos we're just under the upperhandAnd go mad for a couple of gramsAnd she don't want to go outside tonightAnd in a pipe she flies to the MotherlandOr sells love to another manIt's too cold outsideFor angels to flyAn angel will dieCovered in whiteClosed eyeAnd hoping for a better lifeThis time, we'll fade out tonightStraight down the line

girls night in

I'm having a girls night in with three of my friends tonight
We have some girls night out wine and vodka
We have sweets and treats - which I will throw up..
So girls, make up, drinks, sappy movies, nail polish and pjs = a good night
I hope everyone else has a good night!

the morning hours

I must venture off to school even though I look and feel like shit.
I'm super pale which is making my blemishes stand out so very red .
I look like a tub-o-lard
My wrist stings
My hair is frizzy
I can not locate my make up
I have bags under my eyes.
Not one person will say anything even though there thinking how aweful I look and ofcourse not one person will say anything nice either.
Maybe I can get through my one class with out being noticed and can go home right away without having to talk to anyone then I can go to sleep and then do homework in piece.
Maybe I'll visit my safe haven - the library.

plannng. planning.
Today was a fuzzy blur of I don't care drifting.

ugly

crying and not stopping - I'm so fat - I'm so ugly - I'm horrible
I'm probably annoying as fuck with all these depressing posts.
Maybe I should just stop but writing helps.
Today I didn't get out of bed. Tomorrow I drop cooking.
The guidance councler is probably sick of me changing my courses.
Probably thinking Im such a failure.

my sister is going to Australia for Chirstmas- how lucky for her.
I wish I could just get up and run off to some distant place.
I don't even know if I'll make it to Christmas..