Tuesday, September 18, 2012

readings, relapse, roommate

 I didn't eat at all yesterday and only had a baked potato the day before that. It feels really good. Feeling the hunger cravings. I haven't actually felt this in a while. Usually my behaviour reminds me of when I was really ill and it scares me a little bit in my sane mind but now its reminding me that I am in control. I'm going to see how long I can fast for but I know at some point today I'll probably have to eat something. It is a little more difficult to plan out eating at University because of the vast array of food offered here. I am going to tell myself to go to the salad bar. I got quite nervous last night and tore up the back of my hand with a thumb tack. I don't know if I'd call this a relapse yet but it could be.
     In other news I made the varsity dance team and at my first practice I severly sprained my root, it is still swollen and gets tingly from nerve damage and I cannot bear anyweight on it so I am going to be on crutches for a while. It is hard to get around and everyone stares at me and I'm lucky not to go into a panic attack.
     University work is getting hard and piling up and I need to work on my time management but I know I can do it. I've barely been sleeping anyways so I use the time to study and do my readings.
     My roomate is feelings very stressed and having bad anxiety days and rarely eating as well. Some people may wonder if we help eachother with our disorder. I can not stand to see her do this to herself, I don't want her to be sick because I know how much it sucks. I also know she is far enough in that my opinion doesn't matter how much I care doesn't change what shes doing. I am there to support her in ways I can and I know that if it gets too out of hand I can reach out for help. I know her triggers and I know different ways to get her to eat. I know she can't get better until she wants to and I'll be there when she needs me.
     On the same note as my roommate, she is alot thinner than me and it kills me to hear her say how fat she is because I am so much bigger, if she thinks shes fat she must think I'm obese, I am really fat. I need to be thinner, I am discusting.
   Anyways I have a class in an hour so I am going to get ready, I'll probably eat something small around noon if I have to but I am going to try and make it till 4pm when my classes are done, classes are a great eating distraction for me, my roommate not eating makes me not want to eat and my brain is telling me not to eat. I am also visiting home to see my friend Lina and I want to eat as little as possible to be as perfect as the time constraints allow me to be for her.
Thanks for reading this long post lovlies <3

Sunday, September 2, 2012

University adventures

University had begun and I am all settled into my room with my room mate. It is pretty fun here, I am working really hard on coming out of my shell. I am grateful to have my best friend with me because it means I do not have to go into anything alone. We have made 2 friends which is 2 more that I thought I ever would here.
My new friends
Mitch: He is 19 and lives right down the hall of my room. He is from Hamilton and is majoring in environmental studies like my best friend. He automatically clicked with us at the first frosh event because he recognized us from the apartment. He is pretty cool and seems very interesting. He likes drama like me and we can hold a conversation. He seems like the kind of guy I will want to be friends with forever or something. We make a good three.
Yanish: He is 17 and is majoring in Personal Administrative Studies. We met because we were sitting outside having a smoke and he approached us. He is into smoking and drinking and we have his booze in our freezer right now because he is under age and doesn't want to be caught at Frosh with it. We seems a little weird but he's nice.

I shall keep you updating on the progress of my friend making haha.

My parents miss me and everything but our relationship seems to be a bit better with distance.

I got to skype Lina last night at it made me miss home a little bit just my friends and everything. I really miss the closeness.

Frosh wise I am having alot of fun. There are lots of events. We have had dances and dinners and we had a carnival today! I beat  Mitch on the blow up obstacle course.
I start class on Wednesday which I am nervous excited for.
The food here is ok, alot of it is like fast food and shit but you can find alot of healthy options, it has been easier for my to eat because you have to go and eat with people in the first week so it feels like I have to.
Now enjoy some Froshing pictures :)