Tuesday, February 19, 2013

everything hurts too much
I destroy everything I touch
I can't do this anymore
I don't know who I am

Monday, February 18, 2013

I wonder

Do you ever wonder:
What life would be like
If you could appriciate all the beauty in you life
Life the leaves on the trees, people doing wonderful things, water droplets, snow filled nights.
If you weren't scared of change or getting to know people and letting them in.
That the good things in your life could be viewed as good and you weren't afraid they would be taken away
If you could enjoy eating food and not be afraid of looking the in mirror.
If you could exersice just for feeling good and only have postitive thought
If you woke up one morning without feelings of darkness and fear
If waking up ment you got to enjoy the day
If you weren't afraid of not being good enough and like there were people who loved you
If you could wake up and love your self
Do you ever wonder?
I wonder.
I wish.
I'm so tired.
I wish I didn't have thoughts like "I'm so tired of all this I could just end it"
Sometimes I think I've been sick for so long that it has become more of me that I am of myself.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I wish I was a cat

Things I have to do
- Psychology Exam Monday
- Astro Biology Exam Thursday
- Acting Journal Due Monday
- Acting assignment Monday
- online science quiz due midnight tomorrow
- four online psychology quizzes due midnight monday
- Essay Due 27th

Time I have - zero
Things I want to do - zero
Mental state - bad
I wish I was a cat
people tire of me easily. I'm too intense. Talk too much. Feel too much. I think I will just isolate for a while. It will be long sleeve days for a while as well.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I'm just a speck

I thought I was doing alot better.
I had support with therapy and my RCL and my don and I was being more social and eating better and going to the gym.
I still hated what I saw in the mirror and I still had bad thoughts but I was coping with them.
I was just pretending to be what everyone thought was good for me. I don't suggest you do this.
I haven't changed.
The bad thoughts just come creeping back stronger and you hate yourself more than what you started with.
I am confused about life and what it brings, everything can go ok for a while but the same shit just keeps hitting me and things fall apart and you lose things you lose things and then you look around and everything is gone and you are all alone. Alone. I'm alone.
We are just a speck in the universe and one day even the universe will die out, every single star will run out of hydrogen and burn out and things will collapse into black holes and between the black holes will be nothing but darkness, ever expanding but there will be no more matter to create new things. Everything that started the universe will be gone, forever dark.
Eventually life will run out of things to give me happiness and hope and I will collapse upon myself.
I feel unimportant, I will never be the most important thing to anyone and never to myself.
I was excited to have my own apartment next year but I couldn't find a job so I'll be in residence again. I'm so in debt and I can't even do really well in school, I have no motivation what have I become, nothing to be proud of.
I just want to stop talking, stop thinking.
The world hurts, people hurt me by being mean or leaving, people hurt me when I care so much about them about their pain and I can't do anything about it.
I have to much hope to just die even though I think about it and I don't have enough hope to make myself happy and better.
I'm just a speck.