Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Still awake blogger loves still awake. I can't wait to get some sleep it's going to be glorious.
Then back to London some time tomorrow huurrrrr so excited. . . ahahahah no.

bad day

wanting something you can't have is about one of the worse feelings you can have especially if you feel like it's being dangled right in front of your face, this is the story of my life.

Today has been one of those days were nothing seems to go right. I didn't go to bed last night so I've been up since 3pm yesterday because I had a midterm to study for. And I can't go to bed tonight until my essay is done. I am going to do homework with my don when she gets back from the ab.

Today I sat in line for tickets to Montreal for four hours. Seriously four hours and you know what? I never got tickets. My social anxiety decided I didn't want to go near the end. My friend was feeling sick so I took her to the doctors on campus and then to get my other friend to eat I walked to mac donalds (quite a far walk) in the pooring rain, que incredibly bad mood. So then my don made me tea and let me fall asleep for a little while before we started decorating for a halloween contest. Then I went and wrote my mid term which was delayed an hour (had to sit waiting for an hour) got sat beside some obnoxious guy. Then went back to finish decorating. Meanwhile my friend (the girl I was interested in for a long time, the one I slept with, the one I fell for and then she went and got back together with her boyfriend) is texting me how she is fine about me wanting to go to Montreal on her birthday (one of the reasons I didn't go as well) and she obviously wasn't fine. She starts acting like she doesn't care I moved away and shes fine with out friendship moving apart which isn't what I wanted and then I get told its her boyfriend who put those thoughts in her head and that she doesn't really want our friendship to move apart so I'm trying to mend hurt feelings and still being upset she didn't just tell me the truth in the first place and all the drama, like today honestly. And to top it all off little piss offs have been happening all day and I'm in just a generally bad mood mixed with the emotions of not sleeping, needing to do well on my midterm and having to have an essay in by 830 tomorrow morning.

I really hope all of your days were better than mine.

I also cut in the washroom today to make myself feel better. fail. I ate today to so fuck.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

out of control in control

That light headed feeling you get then you realize you haven't eaten in over 32 hours. It didn't feel like that long. I've really been only eating one small meal a day for about a week. I know I've lost some weight just because of the way my clothes have been fitting. I go home on Tuesday and I know I am going to want to weigh myself on the scale part of me is scared because I know I'm not going to like any numbers that are my goal weights and the other part of me wants to weigh myself because I know its going to make me want to lose more weight. I always want to lose more weight but the recovery part of my brain fights the sick part of my brain and usually the sick part wins.
I was just out side and got really dizzy just from smoking one ciggarete.
I know that cutting and restricting have been getting worse lately for my roommate as well so we agreed to go to couselling services together but I don't know if we are going to ever get there.
My brain is in over drive thinking about too many things at once and depression is so unbareable that food is something I can concentrait on and control while everything else seems to be out of my control.
Whats out of control right now
- school
- insanity
- self esteem
- depression
- social life
- thinking
- relationship life (wanting someone not being able to have them how cliche right)
- parents

Whats in control right now
- food

What I'm mad at myself about
- letting my friends make me get fatty food later today to get them off my back
- drinking alot last thursday ( there are so many calories in that)
- not getting an A on my first exam ( I got a B)
- not sitting down and doing all my essays (doing that tomorrow with psychology exam studying)

leave a comment and let me know how your life is going right now

love you all <3 xoxox

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Struggles and University

I haven't posted in over a month. Does anyone even read this blog anymore. I'm just like blah blah my disorder getting on track blah blah ... goes missing .... repeat. I am stuggling every day but I just don't have the time to post and I am really sorry.
I haven't been able to weigh myself but I don't think I'm losing any weight. The past few days I haven't really been eating alot and I know its bad but it gives a feeling of power you know.
I also did something I haven't done in a little while. I didn't eat anything then I felt passing out like and so my friend got me pizza, my brain wasn't having it so I scarfed it down and then went to go throw it up. The experience sucked. It hurt and only bile and some pizza come out after 15 minutes and then my friend walked into the bathroom (awkward and we have communal bathrooms) its really hard to get through this and act like everything is fine.
On a general university topic the work load is intense and I'm finding it hard but survivable. I'm still smoking alot but I'm also having some fun. I've gotten to know my don which is nice considering I was kinda intimidated by her (like I am with most human beings) but she is like the nicest person ever, really easy to talk to but I feel like if she got to know everything about me, all the messed up stuff it would just be far too much, I'm so good at acting like everything is ok so I always wonder if anyone would even believe how much I struggle anyway. I'm just to messed up for life.
Oh well, I've got to study for my midterm tomorrow and then I have another mid term monday and I have 3 out of 4 essays to finish for the 30th.

I hope all of those of you who are still reading my blog are well and if you need to talk just leave a comment I will get it because I do check my email every day.