Tuesday, May 31, 2011

double fudge double fat

Why do my friends have to be nice? Can't they see how fat I am? They brought me a small double fudge cookie dough blizzard for lunch after my dance class. It was still under my 500 cal limit for the day (just) but it's icecream - it evil. I didn't eat all of it but =/ arg.
Exercised today.
124 pounds.fat
Picked my song for my dance final task - Sugarcane by Missy Higgins - check it out - its related to ED, I'll probably cry performing it.
So A. is still talking to me , wanting to hang out - I don't know whats going to come out of this but I'll keep you posted.
I'm stilll writing my essay  - due tomorrow at 12 midnight. It sucks but I need to get something done. 

I barely slept last night so I am going to go to bed now - 2:08am how lovely.
tomorrow is busyyyyy - I'm going to see a dance recital and I need to get ready for my trip on wednesday. 

2 days till dance trip
4 days till prom.
I don't want to eat till prom.
I'll eat fruit.                                              side note: I FIXED THE TIME!!
I feel depressed -.-' I want to cut 

Monday, May 30, 2011

count child count

I feel like blogging.
I know I said that I would be fasting today but it just seems like a plan for failure right out of a binge-ful weekend. So today I am allowing myself an ingestion of 500cals.
Its 6:45am
coke for breakfast [sugar and caffine boost] 210ml : +95cals 405 calories left
My walk to school is  -94 calories - thank you caloriecount.about.com
ofcourse I won't be making myself eat those 500calories so if I stay under - even better.
I hope we do some really good calorie burning dancing today in dance class.
sometimes I wish school would bugger off.
me today - 124.5 pounds. argg my fat 5'7'' 1/2 body. 

I loook angry - please excuse the ugly face

hot hot hot

my house is sooo hot i feel like I'm dying. If I was skinnier I wouldn't be this hot. I woke up at 4 today. I did no homework and no studying and I'm not going to sleep tonight because I need to study some and start writing this essay due Tuesday. My best friend - lets call her Kat. Kat is really skinny hung out today. We ate and took some pictures and stuff. We talked about A. and I've decided I do not want a boyfriend or even a kinda somewhat relationship - I'm not ready. I'm having fun so ... funness could happen no one will want to make out and do stuff with this fat tub o lard.  
5 days till prom
3 days till Toronto dance trip
I'm still so fat.
Fast tomorrow I better not fail.
Tomorrow consists of get through class 1, write a test class 2, try and enjoy class 3 even though I'm the fattest in dance
I hope everyone is well. 

*goes back to essay writing*
for some reason i can't get my blog to set on the right time -.- so you know it is 1:43am

Sunday, May 29, 2011


visiting the university I'm going to attend really made me excited for my years to come. I realized there is a program I am super interested in that allows me to go abroad. I have to learn two languages though!

So me and my friend did end up having a guy - lets call him A. come over - only one guy. we played twister and watched a movie - me and him cuddled for a long while - nothing else just cuddling - and it was actually really nice. He commented me and just made me feel safe. It was so nice to just feel at ease.
Its simple and nothing more.
now A and I text.
I can go to sleep [if sleep comes] with a smile.
hopefully A. gets to hang out again - A lives a bit away but drives .. he is 2andabit years older.
I ate today sadly - Bagel with cheese lettus and tomato, a slice of pizza and pad thia. walked for hours though - not enough exercise but some.
stay strong my dears <3

Friday, May 27, 2011

fucked friday

my mother hit me - I'm leaving the house , staying with my father for the night.
tomorrow I'm going to see the university I will be at for the next 5 years.
I didn't eat since before the dance showcase yesterday but have a potatoe and grilled cheese just now + 360 cals.
I'll do situps later.
I'm so arg right now.
Tomorrow night my best friend and I are going to the drive in with two guys. - i hope they like me =/

dance awesomeness

the dance show case went great! I didn't screw up! loved every second of it. My friend got the dance award for being the bestest and I was happy for her.
I'm so very tired now and am going to go to bed but I need to revise for my philosophy test tomorrow- I will do it in the morning.
I definatly burnt alot of calories today, sadly I had hot chocolate and a smaallll slice of pizza with the girls.
I gave my teacher flower for just being the best teacher I've ever had =] she liked them.
my parents liked the show but were kinda fighting and my mom was rude to me after and never even said I did a good job =/
my friends came and so did my ex [awkward]. his mom was supose to come - but didn't, something came up, I was quite sad but shoved those emotions in.

goodnight blogger world - love you darlings.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Today at school was a drag, nothing was moving, nothing was interesting.
I got home around 1pm and slept till 4pm - I sleep quite a bit - thanks anemia.
My friends took me out shopping today - after the break up they are being really good with distracting me.
I spent more than I should but I did finally get prom shoes yay! I also got new dance shorts - short spandex and purple too bad  my fat cellulite thighs look discussing in them . Also got fake eyelashes for the dance show case tomorrow- im so nervous and excited. All my costumes are ready but I need to get up early to shower.
Also shopping I felt really quite dizzy (have not eaten for 24 hours which usually doesn't do anything) so my friends insisted I get a baked potato with cheese and sour cream - I ate half the potato and left the skin, also I have icecream with brownie - fml fail.
obviously a horrible amount of calories.
danced lots - walked lots.
right now I'm watching 16 and pregnant  - the girl has an eating disorder. makes me think I want to be better for my future babies.
This is me - dear hair please grow. bad photo

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


End of the day.
I fucked up. Pizza. ice cap. donuts. no purge.
I wanted so bad to be skinny for the dance showcase.
I fail.
I would cut if the showcase wasn't on Thursday.
Prom in 10 days - I will lose weight.
Dance trip in 8 days - I will lose weight.
I bought celery today - I will eat celery.
Exercise is a must. - I fail all the time and I'm sick of it.
I'll keep you posted.

must finish homework. want to sleep.


I finally got around to making a new blog!
realizing right now that I have no followers but I shall fix that ;)
my old blog was http://collapsedbeauty.blogspot.com/ (incase anyone wants to read and learn more about me!)
I made a new blog because someone from my school found my blog and threatened to out me. I'm not ready for that so naturally here I am.
Also my last post on my old blog said I wasn't allowing myself blogger until I dropped to 120 - which I still haven't done. in fact I am 126 pounds but I did get down to 121 pounds recently - I think I need my blog to help me <3 I want my low weight back.
Anyway. Over the course of a month alot of new things have happen to me. My boyfriend of 2years and 7months dumped me because I didn't make him happy any longer- needless to say I am heartbroken but have picked myself up. I am dateless for prom. I accepted an offer and scholarship to the University of Waterloo. (i start in September!).
My dance showcase is on Thursday!!!
I can't think of anything else to write now but I just want people to know I read your blogs and will comment!!!