Monday, November 26, 2012

rollercoster and butterflies

This week has been a rollercoster. It has had its super amazing up and really shitty low lows.
What's been good? butterflies and returned butterflies. I haven't felt involved in so long in the butterfly tummy life.
The downs; life events, counselling, exam crunch.
Yesterday and today I couldn't dress myself and I couldn't look in the mirror because I'm so ugly and fat. I was suppose to go to the gym but I got to dizzy to stand.
I'm tired and trying to study, write essays and go to class.
I just want to stay in bed but I can't.
Next monday is going to be super rough, I have a mental health meeting about coping living in residence and to overview my tracking log, I don't want to talk about my breakdowns and self harm that's been noticed, then I have a counseling appointment with my childhood trauma therapist and then I have a major psychology exam which I have to study for. My two main support people will not be there the weekend or the monday; one will be with her boyfriend and one (butterfly girl) will be in New York. Also that monday night after all this shit and probably a few anxiety attacks I have to go to semi formal - so between my appointment and exam I have to get all dolled up and pretty (and its going to be hard because I'm ugly) and then write my exam in my dress, go to the dance alone, wait for butterfly girl to come back and try to make a goodnight.
I'll keep you updates.
Right now I'm learning about language in psych lecture (yes I am in class right now).
Tonnight I won't be sleeping because I NEED to get caught up for studying.

Monday, November 19, 2012

breakdowns, special people and life

Haven't blogged since thursday when I pretty much had a break down blog post. Alot has happened since then. I was kind of in a daze trying to push through and then I got sick on Tuesday, I'm still kind of sick but at least functioning. I've been going to the gym which is really good but I still need to work on only eating health things.
I am blogging to you while in my psychology lecture right now because we are learning on how we formulate memories so I am pretty bored.
Saturday I had a really bad breakdown because my best friend and I got into a fight and it felt like I was losing her and she was blamming me and I couldn't handle it because I need to make everyone happy. I pretty much left the room I was in and sat out side in the cold long enough for my legs to change colour and my hands to be ice. I had to get, (lets call her D) D to come out and get me because I was crying so hard and cut and needed a person to be with me and talk to me so I didn't do anything stupid. I hated having to ask for help but I was scared and D really helped. D is becoming very very close to my heart but as everything in my life is, it is complicated I shall only say she is an amazing person and an amazing friend and I wish with all my heart I could be with her and love her and make her happy every day of her life (because I'm full of all the gushy cute stuff, my heart has all the love to share) sadly it will most likey never to be that and it will again have to be a person I will have to learn to move on from at some point in my life because peoples lives move on and they have to do what makes them happy as do I and sometimes those paths don't cross and if they do it is only for a short period of time in the sceme of life. I have all the things to say about that but I won't go into it.
Im surprised I can blog and pay attention to my lecture all at the same time but it is psychology, I understand it and then I end up self diagnosis but this is what I need to go through to be a helper in this world. I just want to help everybody and give them what they want no matter the cost to me.

I also need to finish a chapter book by tomorrow for 8:30 am. and then have two essays done (that I haven't started) by thursday, then thursday I'm going to get my drink on.

I haven't gone to sleep yet.

For tonight I will probably sit with a friend who is ill and try and wish her better, read my book and go to bed because I need to sleep.

Yet again another long post but I hope you are all getting use to it. I think it has something to do with sharing all my feelings.

I have another appointment and counselling wednesday. hurr.

Love you all <3

Thursday, November 15, 2012

too much trouble for what I am worth

Can't fucking do anything, failure at everything.
Too much trouble for what I'm worth.
Like seriously why care I'm just one person on this planet that wouldn't make your life any better anyways.
I have the worse writters block right now for my essay and I'm not getting anything done and even when I finally get something down its not like its going to be good enough anyways. A pass isn't good enough I have to be fucking great top of the class with good marks, I need something to feel proud of because I fail at being pretty, thin, hot, loved, athletic. People only give a shit who are amazing, no one cares about people who are only average. So if I'm not going to do great then I had might as well fail.
I can't do anything and I can't even explain anything.
I'm in a terrible mood and I keep letting everyone down. I'm not cut out for university and I'm letting myself slip. I don't want to do this and I don't want to be here, I'd only want to be here if I was actually worth something to the academic system which I'm not. If I'm not great at schooling I won't get a job and I'll continue to be a failure in my parents eyes and my own eyes.
I have no motivation but I want it, I want to be better and there is the part of me that won't let me get better. It's like I'm drowning in a sea of darkness and depression.
I can't get out of bed, I can't start things early.
I'm so confussed with my own words and I can't explain anything.
I feel stuck and I feel sad and lonely.
I feel like I could just become invisable and scream scream scream.
Noone wants to love me no one wants to fall in love with me even if they give the vibes there in to me, my heart is constantly played with and I always get the worse senarios handed to me. I want want want and I can never get.
I'm sorry for the super long blog but I don't have anywhere else to turn, its easier to type than it is to speak, sometimes I wish I could just sit in silence and anyone who wonders what is wrong I wish I could let them into my brain for three minutes and they would feel and hear everything that I do because explaining it to them (well trying) just never works they just don't get it because they haven't been there, but you guys have, you guys get it.
I'm off to stare at my essay screen and become more and more frustrated.
I'm cursed to forever be alone in my turmoil in my reality.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

intake report

My emergency intake appointment went as well as it could have I suppose. I get so much anxiety talking to new people in the first place let alone a counsellor determining my route of recovery and saftey of myself.
It started with some forms and then I got sat in a very small biege room with no windows and three chairs; one for the counsellor and two for the visitor; I took the seat the farthest away near the wall. I got asked a whole bunch of questions that I tried to answer honestly because I was there so I had might as well. I was deemed metally fit enough to return to rez and book an appointment for next week to be analyzed for my path of what kind of treatment I am going to be getting. I was given crisis numbers and told to try not to be alone and to make sure that I didn't have access to many drugs like pills. I also had the intake recorded which I hate but what can I do. It was horribly uncomfortable and I did not connect with my intake counsellor at all. I don't know how this is going to help but I'll keep everyone updated. No one is concernd with my wieght or eating because I look like I am a healthy weight. They want to address the self harm. I have my don talking to be and another head leader that I haven't yet got to know so I am very nervous to have to go and talk to. My next appointment is Wednesday the 21st. I answered no to suicidal thoughts because I would rather not end up in  rubbr room and I don't think I am in bad enough headspace to do that.
One thing I am scared for is the fact that it may get worse because it gets better because of all the trigers.
Time for some not mental related stuff;
I am sitting in my fantasy class and I am so freaking tired I can barely open my eyes becaus
e I pulled an all lighter. I am so tired that I propably wont make it through this class to be honest. I feel like I am going to be sick or pass out and I am so tured.

anyne have quteously about intake services?

go I'm off to go die nops.

Friday, November 9, 2012


I'm being taken to coucelling and disabilities intake today. This is the first time someone other than a person who has known me for years has cared this much for my health and saftey. I'm scared beyond belife and I don't think I'll ever get better but I have to try I suppose.

On a side note I am so hungover right now.

I'll let all you lovelies know how everything goes <3

Friday, November 2, 2012

lets all fall for the people we can't have and think about them. herp.

anyways. my vacation home time is going ok. got really drunk yesterday.
weighed myself for like the first time in forever and ive lost 15 pounds. my next goal is 10 pounds away.