Sunday, May 27, 2012


Today has been tiring. I went to work and it went by really slow. I had a 300 calorie breakfast - a whole wheat  english muffin with hunny and 250 ml of soy chocolate milk - exactly 300 calories. Then I went to work. I got home and had tuna helper nd ice cream forced apon me (fuck dinner table) and then I went to puke it up. Then I ate the salad I planned on eating.
I'm sleepy now so I am going to go to bed, I hope everyone is having a lovely day.
Tomorrow I have school and picked up an extra shift at work.
Love you lovlies!


I discovered something today. I was determined to have an extremely low calorie if any at all day. It was going great because I worked all day. Until I got home, my mother decided to force a big plate of tuna helper on me, I got through about half of it and hated myself. My head told me I'd better get rid of it, and if you've been reading my blog for a while you might recall how hard it is for me to make myself vomit. I discovered today a way to make myself vomit and its almost easy, everything can come up. If I stick my fingers quite far back and then slowly move them up it comes up like magic - still with pressure and watering eyes ofcourse. Up came the tuna, then my friends came over, they are usually good about not pressuring me to eat but my one friend who has an eating disorder but is fighting it was there and so I had a strawberry milkshake because it was the only way to get her to have one, and I had my allowable coffee before that and so I slipped into the single bathroom at dq and threw up the shake till i saw coffee coming out. I still don't like the idea of having the food in my body in the first place but if I need to trick people or if I surcome to a binge I can get rid of it.

Unrelated to my eating disorder; I watched a scarryy movie tonight - bad idea.
I also work tomorrow for four hours then not again for 8 days which sucks, my work sucks.

Friday, May 25, 2012

My day on play

Ya I fucked up toady.
I was doing well, hadn't really eaten till lunch hour when my stomach was growling and I convinced myself thats a good thing, then I turned down pizza at my social justice trip today. But then I went out with my friend who have sever depression and an eating disorder and I do my best to not trigger her or anything. So I had to convince her to eat lunch and ofcourse she wouldn't eat if I didn't so I got this biggish subway salad which  was fine and she had a baked potato. Then I ended up eating a snack bag of cajun trail mix (no calorie label) and  popcorn and spagetti later in the day. I felt full and that was wrong. And I don't need to be eating that much but my friend does and more because shes uber uber skinny. FUCK. I guess I'll have to start over tomorrow.

In non food related news; I went on a social justice trip today, we did something called The Bare Foot Walk which is a day event where you raise awareness about children in third world countries who live for under a dollar a day and can't even afford things like shoes. We raised quite a bit of money for the organization and it was great - I did however get a sunburn despite wearing SPF 60.

I also saw The Chernobyl Diaries and it was pretttyyy scary and I don't think I'll ever go visit that abandoned town, 1. Zombies 2. Radio activeness.

My mother is being a particular bitch today. I haven't really seen much of her at all this week due to school, social justice and work and friends and I get home today and she starts screaming at me about the state of my room and how I'm so disgusting and puts me down about everything. She really hates me. If I was dead she wouldn't care.

Beach, little calorie intake

My beach trip was lovely because I love sand and water and got some photography done. My beach trip was bad because I looked extremely over-weight in my bathing suit, I got kinda sunburnt, I ate a shit ton.

Today was good though, I danced for two hours in the morning and then for an hour afterschool, I took a nap and today I've eaten a 6-inch sub on flat bread with lettus, onions, greenpeppers and mustard and some diet coke. thats all! I'm trying to make up for yesterday and eat as little as possible, I even said no to pizza today in my women empowerment group today.

Speaking of my women empowerment group I went to a meeting for that today and got to meet Miss Canada - she's so pretty.

I didn't do much else today but here is a picture of my whitenesss at the beach :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

short beach

I'm going to the beach tomorrow. I feel to fat to go to the beach. I bought a big flowy dress, hopefully it will hide my fatness.
Today I ate a 6 inch veggie sub and a 6 inch tuna sub and drank too much pop.

I'm so tired. Goodnight blogger.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I'm back; life update and pics

I disappeared again! I'm so sorry.  Life is crazy busy. School and work is killing me.
I come back to blogger and the layout is changed *scared of change panic attack*
I'm still fat like REALLY ACTUALLY FAT
5foot8 and a bit and 140 pounds as of 3 minutes ago.
I remember being 115 and thinking I was fat. This is fat. I don't wear jeans, I don't wear tank tops. I only wear yoga pants and big shirts. I hide myself.

I try to stay under 800 cals a day. I dance everyday. I walk everyday. I try to work out alot. nothing is working. I'm not losing. I need to do something more.

Life update: besides living fat and hating myself everyday this is what is going on in my life right now.

- waiting on hearing from the Toronto dance programs I auditioned for (they are still undecided on me)
-10 days until a dance show I'm in. 9 dances.
- Working 28 hours a week.
-taking care of 3 majorly depressed friends one of whom is my very best friends it seems I've exaughsted all possible help I can give her. :( but I wont ever give up on her
- sleeping rarely.
- terrible fighting with my mother. she recently chocked me and I cant afford to move out. She makes me feel like I deserve it anyway.

How have you all been?

what I ate toady (today was a fat day)
- skinny vanilla latte
-oat bar
-chicken burger
-strawberry sunday from work (I work at dairy queen)

the past few days I've only had a 6 inch veggie sub (250cals) everyday. no weight loss.

pictures from recent life

-got my catalage pierced to relieve stress - piercing number 9 I need another one because I cant have an uneven number on my body
from a dance show. my fat fat body on the left. puke everywhere I understand.