Saturday, December 15, 2012

bored, bones, weight

I never know what to do with my days with nothing to do. I ended up going to bed at like 8pm last night after I had a salad for dinner.
I had a sandwhich around noon today because I felt like I was going to pass out and then I had a smoke and cola for my hyperglycemia since I was low on sugar. Thats like 400 calories today and I wonder if I can get away with not eating anything else today.
I'm so awake right now and I just want to be tired so I can sleep until something to do comes up but I'm at university till the 20th and all my friends have already gone home and butterfly girl is still here but when she's busy I don't have anything to do but go on the computer and smoke when I feel like going outside in the cold.
I hope everyone is having a lovely day.
Apperently I feel like taking pictures of myself lately. So here is one of my collar bones, I miss my old collar bones though, I miss my 110 pound body, I think about when I was 110 and thinking I was so fat and needed to lose so much more and now I'm 130 and wondering how I can let myself be like this.

Friday, December 14, 2012


Today my brain is in control. I've had 70calories. I'm counting today.

Other note I noticed my abs are coming in.

I'm still fat and yucky but here is a picture. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I don't want to go

I don't even want to go to my coucelling appointment today, I don't even know what to say. Like "hey ya once I was super skinny and now I have all the same eating struggles just stuck in a fat body because of recovery kay cool" "Oh no I cant just STOP thinking negative thoughts" "Fine I'll try your breathing thing" stupid. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do it. And like I'm just gonna be like oh ya I threw up my meal yesterday and then ended up eating other shit and wanting to throw it up but had too many people around, oh wait we're just focusing on my self harm and negative thoughts, ok just pretend I didn't say anything, ya I'm not going to tell her anything. She wants me on meds for my anxiety, girl lets just wait till you've uncovered everything you want to cover up with meds, this isn't why I'm here. Just a stupid constant struggle between wanting recovery but the bad voices telling me no, skinny, perfect, not goodenough be better do what we say you piece of unworthyoflife shit.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I shouldn't start doing this again, but sometimes it just comes up so easily, fuck the sore throat and light headed afterwards, sometimes I can't get anything to come up and sometimes everything does. those times I feel like its right, its not suppose to stay in my body.

Am I the horrible one

Ever get the feeling like you're disapearing and seperating from the world. Like you may not directly want to die but can't seem to find reasons for yourself to stay not based on people you should stay for. It's like I could drift away maybe not die but just drift. Trying is so very hard and sometimes I just want to slip back into my old ways because for a while they are easier and living in my own world is easier but I know eventually it will kill me. Killing my self casually.
I also feel like I spent so much of my life, my childhood, my adolescence trying to be perfect at things at everything and committing so much time and it hasnt amounted to anything I am still no better than anyone else and nothing paid off, I'm not amazing I'm not good enough. Its something to have a little bit of talent but never good enough. Story of my life is that I'm average or if I'm good at something that could be extrodinary I'm not the best I'm not good enough.
I'm just on a rant now I suppose beacause you probably get the point.
Other things that are bothering me right now
- I haven't made myself go to the gym and based on what I'm eating day to day I should
- I haven't studied hard enough for exams because I'm just lazy
- I feel responsible for my friends down fall and even if I'm not a direct cause for her not eating or cutting I feel very much apart of it and watching her destroy herself makes me want to destroy myself even more
- I've wanted to self harm this week because my brain is yelling at the top of it's lungs all the horrible things about myself but I'm trying so hard not to because I don't want to put other people in an awkward position, I signed a contract about not doing it in residence, I can't have people see, I don't want to have to talk to my theripst about it.
- I don't like my therapist very much at all but I've only seen her once and so far shes diagnosed me with sever anxiety.
-I'm fitting in my fat jeans.
-I want to throw up meals after I've eaten and I can't make myself leave to do that because I'm usually with someone.
- My roommate is leaving tomorrow I don't want to be alone and I don't want her to be alone at home.
- I need a hobby
- I go home on the 20th and I'm not sure how I feel
- I have two "I'm crazy and you know it" appointments one with my theripst (Tuesday) and one with the person who takes care of this kind of thing in residence
Sometimes I wonder that if that one person who saw my cuts didn't see them or didn't care or if I didn't cut but was still struggling with depression and anxiety if anyone would really notice really care, is it just hard to accept things until it's stairing you in the face or displeasing to the eyes, do some people want you not to cut up your own body just so they don't have to look at it. I wonder these things and then I wonder, am I a horrible person. Maybe I'm the horrible one and everyone else is not.