Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Tattoo and lovers

Today is a happy sad day.
I got my tattoo and I love it.
I am excited to move on and create my own life.
Today is sad because I am moving away from a few things in my life that I don't want to leave behind. I love my best friend, her name is Lina, she has my heart and I couldn't help falling for her. She is beautiful and kind and everything I am attracted to. I can be myself around her and she knows and understands everything about me. Today when I was getting my tattoo done she was there with me and stroking my back and making sure I was ok, we are always going to be best friends and probably never going to be lovers. She is now flirting with the tattoo artist (who is also gay) via text and I told her the truth that I am jealous because I always tell her the truth and she thought I was cute because I was jealous but she also knows that I know that we have to stay best friends because we never want to lose that. I know that I can love her and be with her forever and be lovers and bestfriends but sadly she cannot she may not always be able to be madly in love with me and needs someone else as a lover and me as a bestfriend so I need to move on but it is so damn hard and makes it even harder for me to find a relationship because I always think about her when I meet other women. I feel a little better now that I got to write that out. Thanks blogger and thank you to who is ever reading this, I would love your imput.

Also here is a picture of my tattoo <3

Off to school and tatttoo

I start school in a new city in three days and I haven't lost any of the weight I said I would and I've barley exercised at all so I'm probably more flubbery and fat then I was before the summer.
The summer is always the hardest for me to lose weight because I am always at work or with friends were I eat to please people, a way of saying "hey look I'm all better you have nothing to worry about" even when I still have the same anorexic thoughts but I just look alot fatter thanks to "recovery"

I am also getting a tattoo tomorrow on my wrists that say "Lost in a dying world I reach for something more" its a self harm tattoo and also there to encourage me that even though the world I am in has treated me like shit I have to try to make the best of it and try to succeed. I may not be fully recovered but maybe there will be a day when I am. I wish one morning I could wake up and be perfectly happy with myself and my life but I know that it will probably never happen.

I'm almost all packed up and ready to move and I am excited and sad all at the same time.

I was also thinking about making a university blog/volg so I'll post the link if I do.

I hope everyone reading this has a great day and stays strong because I love each and everyone of you. You guys have saved mylife on more than one occasion. I love you <3

Sunday, August 19, 2012


That moment when you realize your thinking that cutting and taking a bunch of pills could just take the darkness away.
Why was I born with this thick blackness within; I don't think it will ever go away.
I'm tired I'm just fucking tired.
12 Days till I move to a bigger city. can I make it 12 days.
I really want to starve.
I'm slipping.
I've been feeling myself isolate and turn off.
The darkness is consuming me.

Look at this picture of me makes me sick, I'm fat and faking soo much happiness. Minus the fact I did get to drink the booze in that bag.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Early morning or late night my life

fact of no importance; I got a new laptop, its pretty. I am offically writing my first post with this new laptop.

        There is only 14 days until I move to a whole new bigger city. I'm scared but I'm excited to start a new life. I can be who ever I want to be even though I'm always going to be the same on the inside.
The hard thing about leaving is saying goodbye to the close friends I have here and I hope we don't grow apart.
I don't really know what else to write about. Whats been going on in my life recently you may ask. Well, I've basically just been preparing to start University. I've been trying to convince myself to start vlogging. I've been smoking more. I'm offically in debt because of school. I'm getting a stripper job to make money.
Today all I have been doing is tumblr, youtube and I bought a mini fridge for my dorm room.
Tomorrow I am going out drinking with a few friends and then heading to the local gay bar and omg there is this bar tender I wish I knew if she was gay or not and I wish I had the self confidence to talk to her.|

Losing weight has been on my mind. Suicide has been on my mind. And as usually I'm living in a world of dark thoughts.

I hope I make the dance team.

My thoughts are scattered.

Its almost 5am and I have to be somewhere at 3pm tomorrow. I'm spending the day light hours with one of my best friends. A quick post on her. I fell for her, we conected, we had sex. I can't get over her. She has a boyfriend now and my heart still jumps for her, everything she does is filled with beauty in my eyes. If only she felt the same way. Oh well I will take her as my bestfriend if nothing else just having her in my life is worth it.

I need to sleep but I just can't stop writing and thinking and thinking and writing.