it kills me to see him with her being all cute. I wish I was her. but I am glad he is happy. I just wasnt ment to have happiness or beauty. I was born a failure. I must have done something awful to someone in my past life.

3am

went to the boy's surprise birthday party - his reaction was priceless. I had fun and interacted with my friends but sometimes I felt like I was watching the fun from the outside if that makes sense. 
I like him so much it hurts and I wish he wanted to date me.
I'm so tired now and I am going to go to bed.
I am going to my fathers house for a few days so I probably won't be posting but I will update when I return.
I aslo have to go to the boy's house sometime to pick up my bike (I road my bike about 6km to his house today- I love the ride but he wouldn't let me bike home because it was dark and rainy I got a ride).
I might have a job interview for a ballet teacher and I'm waiting on hearing about it. (fingers crossed for goodluck)

tonight

lots of liquer + boy you reallllly like but he doesn't like you like that = an 'interesting' night.
I don't suggest it unless you want to feel stupid after. Like I liked it with him but I know he doesn't like me so I feel kinda dumb for setting myself up for hurt. I've done it twice with him and I dont regret it. I don't know.

Anyways - I'm STILL 123 pounds but I have about 17 days before I go back to high school for a victory lap and I plan on being 115 hopefully. So yeah -eating evil.
Must. Exersize.

Anyways as you've probably guessed I had a party tonight - pretty much everyone got plastered. It was fun. It was western themed.

Tomorrow I have to have lunch with my Dad, then i have to go to the boy noted above suprise birthday party.

Goodnight blogger readers.

you only dropped out of uni because your frineds arent going
you would have flunked out of that program anyway
why would you want to dance - your a fat cow anyways
your useless
your stupid
stupid girl
stupid stupid girl
you'll never get a job
no one will ever love you

Funny that you'd think I'd be saying these things to myself when actually everything listed was just said by the person I call mother.

she hates me
wants me out of the house
I hate me  - no wonder - my mother can't even love me.

time is not on my side

First I want to start of with a thank you to Kes =] your comment ment alot to me.

So my Dad took the news of me not going to uni this year rather well because I want to dance in uni. My mom on the other hand freaked right out.

now things I need to do and stuff thats going wrong:
-need to pay rent to live in my own house
-need to get a job
-need to get back into my highschool
-need to get back in dance shape
-need to stop thinking about this boy all the time even though hes on again off again on what he wants from me I just can't stop thinking about him. (we hung out today and apperently he was debating kissing me but didn't because he wasn't 100% sure if its what he wanted -which i understand but it still sucks for me.)
-need my laptop back
-need money for concert on wednesday
-need to get completion drop forms for uni

holy fuckers stress (cutting helps and I've been eating less)
123 today.
need to run - did 100 sit ups and some leg lunges.
been getting the dizzies-  its lovely.

ka-boom

yesterday was one of those days that just blew up in my face.
- dentist sucked ass - acid has killed my teeth and I have to get a fuck load of work done on them today and so I'm going to be in pain. and oh yeah I HATE the dentist - actually gives me panic attacks.
- boy I like, likes someone else but still treats me lovely - super sweet boy - fail for me
- I think I have an ear infection
- family friend died
- I haven't slept
- I'm fat
- I had a life changing thought about what I actually want to do with my life and what will make me happy
          - I have to tell my parents I don't want to go to university this year for a program I won't be happy in    and that I'd rather go to York in a year for dance. AND that I want to travel next summer.

Positives?
- I totally won 40 dollers off a scratch card.

so I was going to university in september and now it looks like I am most certainly not.

oh boy.

124 today. I need to start running!
I must make it through the day - dentist - nap - bowling is my plan.

favorite band ever - Evanescence
concert tickets I just bought - Evanescence
excited!

Went to friends pool party - re connected with someone I've had feelings for for four years. Alchohol + this boy = good night. no regrets <3

I'm trying to win this boy over but I don't think its going to work.
eating less is working better for me :)

ouch.

I didn't eat till 6pm and gave into kraft dinner - failure. and my friend wanted me to come over and I said I would when I was done eating and like 10minutes later I got a message saying "Are you done stuffing your face yet?" I just started crying feeling so guilty for eating and I can't throw up and it sucks but im going to go try to throw up even though I know nothing ever comes out of it - im going for a long run tonight.

I'm so tired mostly because I only left the house once today and read the rest of the day.
I'm reading Portia de Rossi's autobiography and it is sooo good so far.

anyway I should get my fat ass to my friends house.

update later

back.

I haven't posted in a while mostly because I just haven't. I haven't been on PT either. I still can't stand my body but I've been eating less and exersising more and this morning I was 123.5.
My birthday was last sunday - finally 18 I got so so very drunk.
I'm going to buy an Ipod touch with my birthday money and hopefully be able to comment on blogs again.
I'm going to try and post everyday now.
stay strong.