Monday, July 25, 2011

got kicked out of my home - but I conviced mother to let me stay till september when I go away to school. Only condition - she see's me as little as possible.

Tomorrow I'm doing a photoshoot - I am "good" in a good vs evil photoshoot.

I have been thinking about ending my life more recently.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Haven't eaten and it feels great.
My day is gone to crap
Woke up sick, dance class cancelled, person I was selling my school uniforms backed out. Mom is bitching, Dad is bitching, AC broke. fuck this shit.
I want to cut cut cut. I will.

Can I be done with life now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


watched a movie called "Its kind of a funny story" it was really good.
Today was slow- i didn't get out of bed and look I'm up at this hour again. So I am not going to sleep till the night time to get back on track.
Tomorrow the boy is coming over - I'll keep you up dated. I hope he doesn't see the cuts - I don't want to scare him off.
I'll probably just watch tv and movies and shit.

ugh nothing to say really.

Monday, July 18, 2011


this not being able to comment this is starting to drive me nuts..

cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut everywhere

So I did end up leaving the house today for pop and then went over the street to my bestfriends house then out with a friend while I waited to go back to my best friends house.
I'm so depressed.
I can't sleep at night anymore - I get all panic-y partly because when I was little the night is when my mom would come and hurt me. And because I'm getting nightmares
Speaking of my mother - she drank so much tonight that she couldn't even stand - kicked me out for the night but not realizing I had my key.
I'm losing it big time - depressed, not eating (thankfully), unless ofcourse I fucking bindge, throwing up, cutting so much, going off the rails.. and soon I'm going to have sex with someone else since my ex broke up with me and I don't even care - anything that helps me not feel you know.
The one good this is that I am strong enough to live on with out my ex.

no one sees me

Sunday, July 17, 2011


can't sleep  - getting sick of not being able to sleep. Its like I'm scared. I panic before I sleep.
depression please go away
cutting is wanted so damn much
childhood please stop haunting me
funny I just spent an hour looking up self harm treatment.


I don't know what to do.
I don't think I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow and most certainly not leave the house unless I am alone and its night.

Saturday, July 16, 2011



I drank last night- not alot. Made out with N .. well a little bit more than just made out .. it was nice.
Had a job interview at Marisa (clothing store) today - I hope I get it even though everyone who works there is fucking gorgeous.
Went shopping- got shirts and shorts and shoes ... bigger sizes than I use to be ... discusting.
Cut my calorie intake to 800 and I haven't gone over.. I've been hovering aroung 500-600 a day since my breakdown. Still exersising alot.

cutting more - not on my wrist though.

was supose to go see a concert tonight but I'm going to see Harry Potter instead <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


i need to lose i need to lose i need to lose.
i can't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears.
I miss my old underweight body.
I need to get skinny.
It has to be now.
Tomorrow I start agian- how many times have I said that - but I will.
Why haven't I posted? people and no time for myself.
Sunfest was good fun
Madeout with A - lovely but now I want him more and its hard to see him.
Tomorrow is dance class - burning those calories I won't be eating.
So tired.
So down.
Laptop soon.

Living off of tictacs = go.

Friday, July 8, 2011


I started posting my writing to a site; please check it out :)
123.4 pounds ew I gained -.-'

crazy drama went down lastnight. So this boy that I kissed once lets all him N is good friends with this boy G that use to reallllyyy like me. We were all hanging out at my place last night and the two went out side apperently N has small feelings for me but wasn't going to act on them for the sake of G but then changed his mind and G fliped right the fuck out and is still fuming (N has done this to G before). So I'm trying to calm G down - he is a really good friend but I'd never like him like that and I do like N but no enough to lose G.

so yeah to night I'm getting drunk and going out on the town with my girl :)

I hope I get my laptop back because its still killing me not being able to post comments!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


I really want my laptop back so I can start commenting on everyones blogs again <3 I am reading and I am going to try using another computer today.
Last night I hung out with some one I hadn't seen in a year and my lord did they ever get hot! I was like X_x ( I use to like him because of his amazing personality). Anyway long story short - We flirted all night and we kissed by the end of the night =D and then my other friend goes and tells me he'd been talking about how my bestfriend looked so hot allll night -.-' but whatever! (my bestfriend does NNOT like this guy in that way)
I am going to be hanging out with him Thursday. smoking some stuff.

On another note I seem to be maintaining 122ish pounds. But tonight I have dance class =D I am taking a 2hour dance class at my old studio every wednesday :) I'm super excited and nervous because I haven't danced their in a while (all the girls are like super skinny -.- )
wish me luck!

and now I must be off to my Dad's house to clean the basement.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Drama sucks. People (people who are my friends..) keep talking about me and my ex behind my back saying that I'm probably lying about things that my ex has done (I have not lied).
Me and my ex are trying to be friends and it is working out really well and people can't grasp that concept.

Also me and my friend both applied for a modelling job, she got it and I didn't. Fuck.
I just want to leave this world to be completely honest.

My dad is over bearing lately always calling me every hour getting mad if I'm busy or not home and over reacting to everything.
My mom is on edge about everything and doing the same shit she always does.

I'm sick of everything.

122.2 pounds today.