depersonilization

when I look at myself in the mirror I don't know who the person is
when I think about myself its like its not real
I don't know who I am
I don't feel human

I feel ill today.
I'm dizzy walking around.
I went to bed around 7:30am and woke up at 1:30pm.
I had a horrid dream about being in a case underwater with no gravity but this monster with no eyes and grey skin was chasing me and there was nothing I could go to fight it off - I was doomed. I woke up with a fright.

I'm freezing.

I was suppose to go to my dads yesterday - we haven't really talked in like three or four days and he doesn't seem like he wants to, as soon as you don't call him once he starts saying he doesn't love me and I'm not a good enough daughter.

It's new years tomorrow and I'm going out with friends - i have no money for booze but maybe my friends will share. I do quite enjoy the fireworks. I am sad that I do not have a newyears kiss but thats just me.

I think I am going to go have a nice hot bubble bath to keep warm - as well as my nerves having been off the chart for the past couple of days.

I have no plans for tonight thus far. Probably go to bed early.

Yesterday I slept until 8pm and then drank alot of pop - not diet - I'm gross. and failed my apparent fast with 250 calories of subway and some dark chocolate. I'm a failure. I'd like to say I'm going to fast again today but I am not. I will how ever try to keep eating to minimum. I threw up the other day and scratched my throat and it bled so I neednot be doing that for a while - if I can control that.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day. Stay strong beauties. xox

me and my friend are the same jean size. her comment was. "wow we are the same jean size so we can trade! the only difference is that you have love handles! ahha"

I think I died inside.

Hello fast for the rest of my winter break or as long as I can go.

reading sleeping

all lined up, pretty in a row
take them one by one because you feel so low
on and on until away you go


I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I feel like I have no sense of time.
I sleep all day and do whatever by night.
I almost passed out in walmart today.
I got some lovely things on boxing day shopping.
I don't go back to school until the eighth and I don't know what I am going to do till then.
I'm reading quite a bit - I love books. I'm going to be starting a book called Cut - it's by this person who writes about children she's fostered and their lives- this one is about a child/teen longing for a family and escape from her internal pain which she finds in cutting. There are like 5 books in the series.
My sister is having a wicked fun time in Australia right now. I'm glad.
I've got new years plans to get completely sloshed.
I really wanted to kill myself so badly over Christmas because of everything going to shit but your comments really helped me stay alive - the hope in me says thank you <3
Killing myself is a constant thought. Cutting myself is an action I do frequently. Eating is sparse unless I binge and purge. But I'm here and I love you guys.
here's one of my new outfits

christmas eve explostion

Im just going to copy and paste my rant from my facebook chat with someone. everything fucking sucks 


i made enough custard for me and my dad and he doesnt want any

i was sad

hes being mean

not doing anything christmasy

i don't want to watch what hes watching and now hes mad that i cooked because there are dirty dishes

and hes made im in my room on my laptop

its not like there is anything else to do

hes yelling now.

about dishes which i left to soak

his exact words "just what I wanted to do on god damn Christmas eve - clean your fucking British desert mess that I asked you to clean up and instead you left it hardening to the pot"

which i fucking didnt.

i fucking hate christmas here.

it just makes me want to die - that'll make them happy. only one last mess of mine for them to fucking clean up

love is louder

happy christmas and being alive

I've been sleeping like a maniac - 18 hours then up for like 4 then another 18 hours, I haven't been able to bare being awake. I'm either sleeping too much or not at all. typical me.
I am on holidays now until the 8th of January.
Tomorrow I  go to my father's for Christmas since my mom has decided to work Christmas Eve, Day, Boxing day and New Years - at the hospital. She's a nurse.
I've decorated my house and even managed to find a small tree and some ordiments. I love decorating.
I need to find my long sleeved church dress for midnight mass tomorrow since I have horrid cuts on my arms now more so than usual.
Anyway, typing to you with love with my snowman candle burning besides me; I hope everyones holidays are going lovely.
I've finished all my wrapping.
I got my mum a strainer, purfume and body lotions and my father a tea towel and socks like he asked.
Its strange - I was thinking today that I am surprised how I survived till Christmas; I'm so set on wanting to die - but people dying is just too much on Christmas. Lucky for the part of me that wants to live even if that part of me is getting smaller everyday.
and now I am rambling.
One other thing that has really set me off - I can't go to Toronto for a week anymore because my parents won't let me. It fucking sucks - I was so excited and now my sister has left for Australia.

Happy Christmas Holidays everyone.

death

why do people have to die.
why do loved ones have to leave us.
I lost someone today.
At 92 a person who was like a grandmother to me my whole life passed away in her sleep.
Im pushed over the edge and I can't stop crying.
I  can barley see the screen as I type this.
I want to go be with her  I want to die to.
I wish I could have died instead.
people who have so much wanting to live seem to die - she was the spunkiest old british lady I new.
I have nothing more to type.

tap / thankyous

Tap show went really well actually. I also did most of the hair and makeup for the dancers in the show.

It took me forever to find a long sleeved white top for my costume today - couldn't go on stage with out it ofcourse - I don't want anyone seeing my cuts.

I just want to take you guys for your recent comments <3

Just me: thank you for telling me I'm loved and supported - I really needed to hear it and same to you love.

Depressed Skinny Mess: your my rock darling - I can't say it enough - I feel like we are one in the same for some reason - I love your comments and I'll always be there for you.

Kes: hugs :) thanks for commenting! <3 <3

and everyone who comments/reads - I love you all! Your my blogger family - you keep me alive even when I'm struggling so much <3

disappearing

how much tynonal
how deep could I cut
how high would I have to jump from 
Today was blank.
Tomorrow I have to do a tap show at school.
I am at school from 8am-9pm.
I won't eat.
I had soup today and then pizza - ew. fail.
sit ups.
supernatural marathon right now because I can't sleep.
I don't sleep any more.
I'm on one of the lowest lows I've been on in a while.
I might go to the doctors for sleeping pills, but I might take too many; who cares
cut cut cut, smoke smoke smoke, i want some weed.

trigger warning

I'm a mess
I hate me
I can't make this utter saddness leave me
I've never be able to
I control it with eating and cutting and anything that makes me feel different
I hate it
I don't know what true happy feels like
I want to die
I'd rather die than continue to feel like this
I'm eighteen and since I little all I can remember is this saddness this darkness in me
Im tired - I'm tired of failed suicide attempts, I'm tired of swimming through life feeling like I'm drowning.
I'm tired of trying to tell my closest friends only to have them shurg it off like its just a phase or like I'm too old to be carrying on with what i have been like my whole life.
I can't take it anymore.
I've never posted a picture of my self harming but here it is - my right arm, tonight, my razor is dying and this is a very mild cutting.  Iwant to do more I want to cut more.

also I found this photo today - im the red head in the back. this was me two years ago. about 110

dance photos

some dance photos from open house as promised :) I'll put some more up later <3
ignore my bad ballet hands in the first photo.. not suppose to have my thumb sticking out like that.

whale

whale. that's what someone called me.
the exact phrase was;
"Wow, you look like a while compared to your dance class"

I didn't get out of bed today.
I haven't eaten today and if I do I will throw it up.
I'm done being a whale.
I'm on vacation from dance now that open house is over, so I can't gain and I must loose. we get like three weeks off. When I go back in three weeks I was to be skinny like the rest of the class.

Now I want to go back into my bed but I have to go to the mall with my friend, my super skinny gorgeous bestfriend, shes my thinspo, but I never break a promise so I'm going to the mall.

weigh in today - 128 - barf.

waking up walking in muck breathing in smog

so again with a quick blog update mostly because I'm tired right now - I just did an hour pointe show so I really need to soak my bleeding feet but I am feeling really good about how it went. I pushed myself really hard.
I ate like shit today and for some reason I feel like listing all the crap I ate.
Dr.Pepper
half cup of ceasar salad no bacon
half cup of twirly pasta with cheese sauce
6in veggie sub with only mustard
a tv dinner -.- mashed potatoes corn and simulated soy nuggets
and a snack bag of Miss Vickies chips
Coke.

ew barf gross.  I feel gross about it. but I did dance alot off.

Today at school was good. We had a political debate - the teacher said I have a natural talent for debate and demanding voice when I choose to speak about something I am passionate about. yay.
Tap was good - I taught so I was nervous but it worked out

anything else I want to talk about? no I don't think so. I'm feelling like I'm falling into a deep dark hole lately - I thought I was rising up - being about to push sour thoughts back but its really fighting - I have such a hard time finding the encouragement to get out of bed. And I never get out of bed for myself - I find a reason like "tap clubs needs a teacher, politics needs a full debate team and so on. Me; I am worthless.
If I wasn't so excited for my Toronto trip I think I'd rot. I guess its a good thing there is one part of me searching for a will to live but the pain is so strong as well. anyways enough blabing from me = I need to go.
man I need a smoke and I left them at my mothers house -.-'
night beautifuls.

here there everywhere!

I don't have alot of time to blog right now since I'm doing dance shows all this week but I promise I will comment on blogs asap :)

So this was posted on my tumblr the other day
"You look so sick. Your eating disorder is obvious and it hurts more then just you.You strive to look like something NOBODY finds attractive. you have a mental disorder and need to realize it and be treated. You don't look ''good'' or ''hot''. No guy wants that. if that's what you think they do, they don't...Your poor diet is killing you slowly and if you're bulimic and not just anorexic your teeth are being worn down everytime you throwup.and dont think im being mean. you know me. and knew me when i was recovering from my disorder. i wish someone would have told me how disgusting i looked. i always found curvy, confident girls way prettier then skin and bone and didnt know how i even developed an eating disorder.'now i realize it was because of my anxiety. im 17 and im ht high risk for being infertile and have an irregular heartbeat that could give me blood clots at anytime becaus eof my eating disorder. take care of yourself.
This person knons nothing about my eating disorder and that I've had it since I was 11. but for someone to care really made me cry, ofcourse I don't believe what they are saying I can't.

So now I must go get ready for my dance show - I just had an hour and a half of tap and tomorrow I get to teach two tap classes because I've picked it up so well - exciting!

I hope everyone has a lovely dance. Time to dance mine away.

my dad is mad my friend is coming to my dance show - thinks it will distract me from noticing him - stupid controller.

sister visit and happy faces

seeing my sister actually went really well. I know all the stuff I wrote but just seeing her makes me happier. She gives the best hugs and treats me like a human. She knows what our parents are like. We sat and talked for four hours, two hours longer than she was going to stay. She is excited for her Australia trip and is going to try and find me something perfect to bring back. She also asked me to do something amazing and convinced my dad to let me. For the first week in January I am going to watch her apartment in Toronto while she's gone. I get to live on my own in a different city for a whole week. She is making me a list and buying me a metro bus/subway/trollie pass so I can get around. Its going to be a little nerve raking going around a huge city alone but I am sooooo excited. Where her apartment is down the street there are little boutiques and coffee shops so I'm excited to sit in there and read and write and have some time away from my crazy family. I love my sister with all my heart and I know she loves me to. <3

friday figures

I went to school today and dropped off my political essay. I worked with my mock UN team and then went home.
I took a nap when I got home and then went out with friends. I went to a motel where two of my friends are living while they look for an apartment. It was my bestfriend/her boyfriend [my roomie], my friend nicole and her boyfriend and then me; the awkward fifth wheel. Everyone got really sloshed drunk except me - I got to take care of everyone, we also got high - me to - I like not feeling anything.
I had to pay for the taxi back and then my friend and her boyfriend disappeared into his room and never came out - I have paper thin walls -.-' I feel so lonley - I don't have anyone to be with.
I'm not tired and I'm so bored - I want macdonalds [binge] but I don't want it you know - I'm broke anyway.
Tomorrow I see my sister for a short amount of time.
I get to go out for dinner - I hate eating out.
Sunday I'm going to the mall with my dad.
I guess I need to find something to do now.
I hope everyones friday went well
love you!

recap recall pics

after my shit day on Monday I haven't posted and I'm sorry. The days just seemed to become worse and so all I did was school dance sleep cry cut.  I'll give you a week recap.
Tuesday - I did not sleep monday night so I dragged myself to school, fell asleep in politics then slept in the chapel periods 3-6 and the chaplin asked if I was alright. I woke up sixth and went to tap club. Tuesday night at dance was horrible - I couldn't get anything right or good enough and I felt horrible looking at myself in the mirror - I was so upset that after dance I walked home instead of busing so I walked for 35 minutes crying my eyes out got home and just went to bed.
Wednesday - I schooled - I grade 8 orientated - I dance [better tonight] I watched top model and I ate alot. now I can't sleep because I feel like a fat disaster.
Tomorrow; school, dance then nothing.
friday; drinks but not getting drunk
Saturday - I get to see my sister - I was suppose to be skinny for this - I'm not.
I don't know what else to write about - ah, yes - I was thinking about starting a Vlog - opinions?
also I started reading a new book called Ashes Ashes - I quite like it.

So now I'm going to go for a smoke and see if I can sleep.
Random pic of me for the day:

I understand you might not want to be apart of this family but we are blood and I've always looked up to you so I was hoping for more than just two hours with you after not seeing for for 5months. It's almost worse that you can't say that you just don't want to be around. I know I'm many years younger than you but if only you'd give me a chance we could be bestfriends like sisters should. I'll always love you but I need you and your never here; you'd be the one person I'd get better for but your gone and dont want me. I guess I'm just blood.

what a shit day

I could just explode into a million little pieces right now. I'm physically and emotionally exaughsted. I want to curl up into a bawl and I can't. I got three hours of sleep last night and I have been going solid since 7am this morning.
I had hip hop practice all day from 11am-6pm only to be told that the choreographer had to rework something they forgot and it was too stressful to work me in having to learn an extra 1/4 of the dance (so I got kicked out even though I learnt 3/4 of a dance in one day that people got three weeks to learn and everyone was saying how I did it better than most people) so that just really broke me.
I need to get something together for my jazz dance Christmas show audition friday.
My friend that I have this huge ass crush on will never like me like that and it hurts like a mother fucker.
Me and my bestfriend got into a fight today because I had an emotional break and she just shaped back at me because I said something about her choosing her boyfriend over me when I needed her - which I didn't mean to come out the way it did - we worked everything out but still it was our first ever fight. ugh.
andthen I went to modern class for a practice for our "christmas show is in a week" practice. got worked hard.
now Im fucking tired and have to write a 2000 word essay. fuccckkkkkk this.
I want to scream and cut and run and I ate shit food today because I was stressed and Icouldn't throw it up.
and I can't super blast my music because of my new roomie which doesn't even really talk to me - but in his defence I am hiding out in my room right now.
I had a shit day and when I got home my mother didn't want me there and she hates me so much and its pushing way over the ledge - and now my knee hurts.
here is how I feel:

sorrow sundays

I woke up around 2pm today - slept for 15 hours. woke up to my dad saying  Im taking you back to your mothers and we will get lunch on the way. I really did not want to eat but I forced down soup - and thats what I've had today.
Today I also got a new roommate - after my mothers failed attempts of kicking me out and then telling my to come home and so on she decided to get a boarder - luckly it is someone I know - all though its kind of awkward because I don't know them that well, it is my bestfriends boyfriend. anyway I don't know how this is going to go but I'll keep you posted.
poor guy has to come into my hell hole of a house - my mom is always drunk and always yelling at my - I'm always a depressed mess - and now I'm going to have to try harder to pretend I'm not even in my own home.
Hopefully he doesn't notice me working out. not eating. bindging. cutting. having an emotional break or something; how awkward but then again maybe he just won't care. this is my moms way of making some extra money.

other than that - I need to choerograph a Christmas dance for the school assembly in like three days. fun.
my head is feeling slightly better but ofcourse still hurting.

Today was a slow nothingness day - I have unfinished homework I probably won't be doing anyway.
This week I have dance auditions, dance practice at school and dance practice at the studio before the Christmas show.

busy busy.

tick tick I feel an emotional break coming on.

concussion drinks sleep

I haven't posted in a while - I don't know where the time went honestly its been a haze.
dance dance dancee
drank till I dropped last night at a party - I know I said I wasn't going to drink as much but my mom straight up told me she hated me so i left to party.
I got a concussion last night to from some ass whole. stupid.
So I spent today in emerg and puking.
all in all I feel like shit shit shit
I'm at my dads because I can't be around my mom right now.
I haven't eaten today obviously
I have 200 cals yesterday + whatever I drank in booze.

I hope everyones weekend is going lovely.

I want to thank you my lovely followers and commenters - my family <3 I love you guys so much and I'm going to do a thank you post when I can really focus