Friday, October 17, 2014
I can find you
What is happiness? This is a question I have asked myself for many years. I more recently have frequently asked myself this question as I have been embarking on "full recovery" for the past while. I put parenthesis on full recovery because I believe that everyone will have a different definition of what it will mean for them. Happiness is on the top of my list for this journey; however I am not daft enough to think that it means I will be happy- go- lucky, spin in circles all the time but I do think that my normal lows will no longer be world ending life ending lows.
It is not like I have never uttered the phrase "wow I am really happy right now" because I have; certainly on days with wonderful friends in fun enviroments or coming out of dance class or meeting individuals I believe the universe had made us cross paths. But what I have not experienced is the lack of the fear that my world will not crumble around me and that happiness is only a short experience in my down spiraling life.
Recently however I have realized just how important it is for me to truly fight to believe that I AM worthy of having the happiness that I want in life and more importantly that I need to take the steps to get there. I can no longer hope that this is something that the universe is just going to put on my door step in a neatly wrapped package.
I have finally accepted the fact that my actions even if caused by a slew of mental disorders and addiction are apart of me that I do have some control over it and that perhaps my inaction (waiting out and hoping these breakdowns will eventually go away on their own) is my responsibility and my lack there of using that responsibility. Over the past while and very very recently I have seen these downfalls tear apart my friendships through horrid scenes, mean words and compelete lack of self respect for myself. I have pushed people away, isolated or compeletly broken down and became a monster and unrecognizable as myself. I feel like I have watched this happen while looking into a glass box screaming from the outside and banging on the window going "NO DONT DO THIS THESE PEOPLE MATTER"
I realize that this can greatly change someones perception of me and who they think I am but I have to have faith that I know who I am or even greater, have the faith that I know who I want to be and how to get there. I can not hope for reconciliation from the people who I have torn pieces from them out if I am taking no action to better myself. I want to be a calm, kind, comppasionate, reliable friend as well as someone who sees the hope and colour and vibrance in what the world has to offer. There is no reason for me not to choose to be happy.
So I need to fight with everything that I have got because this is the one life I was given and there is absolutly no point in ending because there are endless amazing things I can do with my well abled body if I so choose and choosing not to live and not do good should not even be an option it is more like a bitch slap in the face to the universe says "oh you gave me breathe but I don't want it".
I want it now more than ever. I do not what to hurt people; I want to love everyone unconditionally, I want to be strong for them; I want people to look at me and see an intelligent happy women full of life so much that it is practically contagious. But here is the thing that is way different than anytime I have ever felt motivated to get better; I want to love myself unconditionally; I want to do good things for myself; I want to see the happiness and life in myself. I never want to feel like I am not some part of this world.
I hope all the people I have hurt can look into me and see I am trying and I will succeed because I am going to seekout all the support I need; I am no longer making this a private fight; this is a call to myself and to anyone who wants to be a positive in my life that I am here with open arms on a two way street. Nothing will tear me down; especially not me, ever again.
I am going to learn who I am without any darkness covering my brain. I am going to find life and I am going to live it.