Saturday, February 1, 2014
The past two days I've just wanted to feel human and feel alive and it is just so hard living in what feels like an empty dark world inside my head. It is that cleche where I feel like I am screaming and ready to explode from the inside but nothing comes out on the outside.
I want to get drunk and get high and go to a club and dance with friends and strangers and be stupid and make bad decision that I can FEEL.
I didn't do any of those things over the two days I've had off. I did get drunk and eat and purge nachos and my throat hates me for it. I did get drunk and think about cutting down my arms, but realizing I can't and my only excuse to myself as to why I can't was because I have to wear short sleeves at work.
In times like these I want to drink, do drugs, and fuck. Just let someone else take over.
I want to feel feel feel.
And now I want to sleep because I know I have to because thus begins a long work week with long hours and pretending I am fine. Go through the motions because what else can I do when I can't off myself because I am too nice. I hope I won't be stuck in this cycle of work work work pay rent pay bills, repeat.
I would save more money if I just didn't eat and didn't buy all this junk I eat then purge.
I am stuck. I don't know what to do with mylife and I feel empty, what else is new.
ugh also what the eff happen to my blog lay out