It sucks when you are awake at 7am with no sleep thinking to yourself "wasn't I suppose to make myself happy by now" if that is even a real thing. I find myself asking; what am I suppose to be doing in life; what is the real meaning and purpose for me. Why am I here. And the emptiness I feel when asking myself these questions is so overwhelming. I still want things like being thin losing weight and maybe this is because I don't have the answers to these other questions. So which path do I take; destroy myself because I know how because it is something; or wonder how I even find a purpose and passion. I don't know who I am and maybe it is too late for me. I am tired and I am tired of waiting and trying and failing.
I wish I new what to do. So I'm blogging like I have done for the past 6 years. Can you believe it; I started blogging that long ago starting off as a young teen spiraling in her eating disorder and loving it and turning to posting about the conflict of hating the disorder and then understanding it and still now not being able to completely get rid of it, and now so strongly feeling the urge to go back to it because it is so strongly calling to me. What is life; who is me; what am I suppose to do. I am too old in my soul and to childish in my brain I suppose. I am making zero sense. Is there anyone even out there anymore.
The confusion is overwhelming i know, and you've pretty much summed up how i feel too "Wasn't i supposed to make myself happy by now?"...but don't look back. You must keep looking forward. I know the disorder seems tempting to fall back into, becuase in some ways, it's comforting. But you deserve better than that. You deserve to be happy. Reach for the happiness, not the past <3
ReplyDeleteI'm out here Sarah...read your post...wanted to comment so that you would know how possible it is to reach people all around the world. I live in NJ. We will probably never meet, but your post touched my heart today. It reminds me to reach out in some way to someone unknown to me EVERY DAY. So...Sarah...Touch people...use what you know, even if it is something sad, use what your are wise about, to make the world a better place. God Bless You!
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