So I've been spending everyday for the past few weeks feeling utterly nauseas and now it's progressing to certain smells making me want to throw up (like onions which is sad because I love onions) and I'm craving weird foods like bananas which might not be weird to you but I HATE bananas. I'm also peeing alot. I don't care if this TMI because its my blog.
I've told a few friends and they are all being supportive.
All of them already know abortion is not an option for me (its just not my morals). and they don't think I have to heart to give up a baby for adoption (but when I absolutely have to think about it i may consider an open adoption)
I'm still only about three or four weeks pregnant and I'm not ready to tell my parents; I know I'm going to be kicked out because I've been informed this before. It won't hurt as much from my mum because she hates me and abuses me but me and my dad are close, he loves me but he won't stand for this and its going to hurt an unbelievable amount to lose his love. So I'm trying to enjoy all the good times I have left with him.
I'm also suppose to go off to school in September now I'm still considering going for a semester because I care about my education. Again I'm just not ready to think about it all.
Recent thoughts that have crossed my mind
- I'm scared to get fat
- I'm scared to lose people
- I'm scared to be a mum
-I'm just plain scared
-I'm scared that the man who assaulted me is going to try and harm me or my child (he does know people I know and I will get around to telling him when I can figure out how to contact him so he hears it from me and not other people)
I wish I'd never gone to that party.
My friend who brought me to that party feels terrible and I wish she didn't. I love her dearly and I hate to see her feeling guilty.
This was a long post but my blog is really the only place I can write about this. I'm sorry to those who follow me to hear about my eating disorder and not my pregnancy but even I realize that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my eating disorder goes away. I'm afraid that my baby is going to be harmed from permanent damage my eating disorder has caused over my life.
Things I need to do:
-take vitamins
-cut out caffine intake (apperently it can cause miscarages)
-tell my parents
-figure out a plan
-find a place to live (maybe the womens shelter)
-see if there is some group for pregnant women with eating disorders (does that exist?)
Please leave comments or questions
and your support means everything to me, my blog may be my only sanctuary in the coming months if no ones else loves me I hope you guys will <3
Don't apologise for the content of your blog! I don't follow it to hear about your ED, I follow it to hear about YOU. I am incredibly sorry that this has happened - when you tell your parents, will you tell them the circumstances? (that you were taken advantage of when drunk :/) I think you should, even if it's really difficult :( maybe if you write it down in a letter to them and hand it over? :(
ReplyDeleteMy mum has had 4 children and been pregnant with an eating disorder every time (only 1 miscarriage but I don't think that's to do with the ED). I just wanted to say that in case you read online stories of people who miscarried because you'll hear the stories of miscarriages due to an ED more than you'll hear stories of a successful birth despite an ED. You sound like you're trying to take appropriate precautions, which is so good and so hard (I imagine) because of the ED. There's only so much you can do because you're ill so please don't be too hard on yourself because you are changing so much to try and suit the child despite an illness.
Do you see a counsellor or anyone like that? If so mention the pregnancy and ask about a "pregnant with ED" group. If not, I'd recommend you find a group and/or a counsellor to speak to about all of this. Because a lot of bad things have happened and te consequences (pregnancy, birth etc) might be really hard to deal with :/ you really need to talk to a professional, I can't stress that enough
Take care, and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxx
You'll hear miscarried stories more just for the writer to highlight the effects of their ED and because people are more likely to read/write about that NOT because it happens more often*
ReplyDeleteThere's so much you CAN'T do* not "can do"
ReplyDeleteSorry I should have read this before sending!
Oh wow, that is so much pressure on you! Maybe your dad will come around after the initial shock? And I've totally heard of other moms struggling with eds before, but I'm not sure if there's a group for it. Maybe look up if there's just a general ED support group in your area? Take care!
ReplyDelete