Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I don't want to go

I don't even want to go to my coucelling appointment today, I don't even know what to say. Like "hey ya once I was super skinny and now I have all the same eating struggles just stuck in a fat body because of recovery kay cool" "Oh no I cant just STOP thinking negative thoughts" "Fine I'll try your breathing thing" stupid. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do it. And like I'm just gonna be like oh ya I threw up my meal yesterday and then ended up eating other shit and wanting to throw it up but had too many people around, oh wait we're just focusing on my self harm and negative thoughts, ok just pretend I didn't say anything, ya I'm not going to tell her anything. She wants me on meds for my anxiety, girl lets just wait till you've uncovered everything you want to cover up with meds, this isn't why I'm here. Just a stupid constant struggle between wanting recovery but the bad voices telling me no, skinny, perfect, not goodenough be better do what we say you piece of unworthyoflife shit.

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