Monday, December 10, 2012

Am I the horrible one

Ever get the feeling like you're disapearing and seperating from the world. Like you may not directly want to die but can't seem to find reasons for yourself to stay not based on people you should stay for. It's like I could drift away maybe not die but just drift. Trying is so very hard and sometimes I just want to slip back into my old ways because for a while they are easier and living in my own world is easier but I know eventually it will kill me. Killing my self casually.
I also feel like I spent so much of my life, my childhood, my adolescence trying to be perfect at things at everything and committing so much time and it hasnt amounted to anything I am still no better than anyone else and nothing paid off, I'm not amazing I'm not good enough. Its something to have a little bit of talent but never good enough. Story of my life is that I'm average or if I'm good at something that could be extrodinary I'm not the best I'm not good enough.
I'm just on a rant now I suppose beacause you probably get the point.
Other things that are bothering me right now
- I haven't made myself go to the gym and based on what I'm eating day to day I should
- I haven't studied hard enough for exams because I'm just lazy
- I feel responsible for my friends down fall and even if I'm not a direct cause for her not eating or cutting I feel very much apart of it and watching her destroy herself makes me want to destroy myself even more
- I've wanted to self harm this week because my brain is yelling at the top of it's lungs all the horrible things about myself but I'm trying so hard not to because I don't want to put other people in an awkward position, I signed a contract about not doing it in residence, I can't have people see, I don't want to have to talk to my theripst about it.
- I don't like my therapist very much at all but I've only seen her once and so far shes diagnosed me with sever anxiety.
-I'm fitting in my fat jeans.
-I want to throw up meals after I've eaten and I can't make myself leave to do that because I'm usually with someone.
- My roommate is leaving tomorrow I don't want to be alone and I don't want her to be alone at home.
- I need a hobby
- I go home on the 20th and I'm not sure how I feel
- I have two "I'm crazy and you know it" appointments one with my theripst (Tuesday) and one with the person who takes care of this kind of thing in residence
Sometimes I wonder that if that one person who saw my cuts didn't see them or didn't care or if I didn't cut but was still struggling with depression and anxiety if anyone would really notice really care, is it just hard to accept things until it's stairing you in the face or displeasing to the eyes, do some people want you not to cut up your own body just so they don't have to look at it. I wonder these things and then I wonder, am I a horrible person. Maybe I'm the horrible one and everyone else is not.

2 comments:

  1. "Difting" as you put it, sounds just how i feel too...maybe i don't want to die...but jusy to drift away from reality for a while..keep your head held high sweetie <3

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  2. fuck, dude. i feel like this all the time, and it's epic shit. im sorry, and i hope it gets a little better for you.

    stay lovely. <3

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