Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Tuesday January twenty eighth


        Today has been a wirlwind and I am drifting off as I type this; it being 4am and everything.
I had a long day being awoken around 10am while rumiging was going throughout my room with people getting ready for their days endevours. As I appear to have a different internal clock in comparision to my floor stayers, I was needless to say not happy about being up so early. I tried to start my day but took a nap once there was some piece and quiet in my dwelling. I napped until about 3 and scurried myself around trying to put make up on, brush hair up and out of my way and the most challenging part; getting dressed. Tuesdays are my busiest day because I have to transport myself downtown (roughly 45 mins) to my groups and have everything in my bag prepared for transporting directly from group to work ( because how dare I be caught wearing the same thing to group as work) So I carefully chose a flowy to hide my body but not flowy enough to make me look like a balloon outfit warm enough for this fridig minus 24 degrees celcius weather.
       Group number one of the day 4:30pm- 6pm Self image focused on mind reading today- I know I mind read (tricking myself into thinking I know what other people anywhere from stragers to close friends are thinking about me - because of course they are thinking about me and ofcourse it is undoubtably negative) and I know it has become a core belief in myself, I don't believe any challenges to thought and what ever I image someone saying in their head is a direct representation about how I feel about my self, image and esteem. The hard part is coping, self compassionate thoughts and challenging or decreasing the stress related to mind reading. So far I have mastered creating my own avoidance nest for places such as the subway with a book, phone and some music. But I have areas such as work where it is alot harder to ignore people so I must travel another path of stress relief. My homework for the week from this group is to track in an alotted time how much I am mind reading and to say 10 nice things about the other person in my head (this is suppose to help prepare you to say some nice things to yourself and eventually believe it) Also to continue to work on my self care box (this I can do to reduce stress anxiety and behaviours/ symtoms)

       My second group was my open support group and my favourite group out of the two. Even though you could tell it was a week that was horrid to everyone and everyone looked like they were being suffocated by life's air itself we all had smiles knowing we were in a safe place and glad to have all accounted for from the weeks before of bonds and friendships made. The facillitator read the room well and the dropped moods so we talking about heavy topics in short making sure everyone got any advice they needed or things off their chest and then moved on to talking about things we liked ect. cats movies funny videos and cool things to check out. Its always having the group end after checking out and commiting to some time for a self care activity and then realizing it is time to go out into the real world again where we all can't stand together to fight evil that is the hardest part of the night. But we will all return to give our ups and downs the next week in our safe nest of support.

        Work this night; 9pm, was rather D E A D I mean I had 6 customers and went stir crazy. My floor livers showed up and got smashed and I ate dinner (after not eating all day) and it triggered behaviours in me; I purged about half the meal in the bar bathroom which is a step down for me who usually only participates in this behaviour from the comfort of home. I felt like I had to eat something non warning flaggy in front of my friends in order to keep them from suspecting something and triggered my one friend. Then I had garlic bread and purged half of that. I went home feeling rather sick and got stoned with my friends and I should learn that getting stoned triggers bingdes, and I would have been fine to go right to sleep if my friends had not ordered mac donalds, so I ate with them again to not trigger my friend and they did offer. I have not purged this, because if you haven't purged while high I "highly" advise against it. And then the guy floor dweller projectile vomitted all over the bathroom and the girl had to clean it all up, thankfully not me but she too was drunk so I don't know how well she did.

        Since I am still rather stoned, I decided to write another blog post (in hopes of keeping up with this) about my day and group which I may start dedicating full posts to in case it can help anyone with full confidentiality for my group members I will not be giving exact sinerios or names obviously. Now I am so ready for bed and I am hoping it is quiet and doesn't smell like vomit, that I don't get woken up at stupid o clock by a very hung over floor dweller getting increasingly fusterated getting ready for work. I am hoping for some me time tomorrow, not too much guilt over the eating and a quiet day before work at 9pm for comedy night.

Goodnight lovelies xoxo

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