Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Where I went and why I came back
I stopped posting a while ago because I had no time in the world. I was trying to go to school during the summer, work full time as a server and sort out my life and see if I could recover. Needless to say I wore myself out as one does with filling up every hour of there day and forgetting to sleep.
Things that have happened to me in the past few months
- I took a semester off of school starting December because I couldn't handle the course load, don't know what I want to do with my life and just plain out couldn't pay attention.
- I took on full time at work because I was promoted to bartender, I like the job a lot better but don't see myself staying there for more than another year.
- I kept on going to my eating disorder support group and started a body image skill building group. Both of these groups are with my favourite facilitaror and I have made a little bit of a family with my group.
- I unfortunatly have returned to disordered thoughts and listening to my eating disorder but its providing me comfort in areas where I can not find anything.
I personally believe that I've been clinging back to my disordered eating because I have been feeling so so very lost recently in every aspect of my life. I do not know what I want to do with my life or school even and a lot of people are pressuring me to make decisions about this. Living in a different city, paying rent and life ammenities doesn't give me a lot of free time because I need to keep a standard of living and I am not recieving any school funding while I am not in school. I still hope that some magical being will come down out of the sky and tell me what path I am ment to follow.
Next I feel generally lost as a person, being so sick with this disorder at a very young age I didn't have the time to develop a sense of self because I was in survival mode with my body and now I feel like I am a 10 year old stuck in a 20 year old body which is a pain in the ass when everyone around me at least has some grasp on who they are and how they want to act.
Finally I am lonely. As a child I never really had a safe bonding experience, it was always stay alive, don't anger the drunk mother and please the father to his exact standards. I have problems connecting with people now and always questioning if they ever like me or want me in there life. It is a hassle and can make me too much to handle and so a lot of people leave or I make friends who are in a worse off place as me.
I've also been in a tough situation as of right now. I have two friends living on my bedroom floor. They are a couple. They are frequently fighting and my one friend is severly into her eating disorder and doesn't want to get better and someone I idolize her body and the fact someone undying loves her, which is usually the reason they fight. I am triggered but I care about her. I have a few other friend with quite severe problems and I love them to pieces but it hurts me so deeply to the core that they are suffering that I can't handle it.
I feel like I've been rambling on but I really have no where else to spew my thoughts and emotions. Even in group we have rules about what we can and can not say. Things I want to say:
- I can't stand them fighting because they are lucky to have love
- I've been purging a lot more than usual
- I've been restricting but not up to my eating disorders standards.
- I just self harmed for the first time in a while today
- My depression is full force
- I'm mildly suicidal
- I don't have the time to really do anything about it and I'm just going through the motions, and I'm not sure I want to do anything about it.
- I'm 130 pounds my first goal weight is 120 and I really want to get there
- I still miss my ex and she moved away to the UK
- I don't think I can be loved
- I want my room back because I can't find anything of mine but I want my friends to be safe
Hopefully I will write more frequently.
I don't even know if there is even anyone out there anymore.
If there is; xoxoxo