too much trouble for what I am worth

Can't fucking do anything, failure at everything.
Too much trouble for what I'm worth.
Like seriously why care I'm just one person on this planet that wouldn't make your life any better anyways.
I have the worse writters block right now for my essay and I'm not getting anything done and even when I finally get something down its not like its going to be good enough anyways. A pass isn't good enough I have to be fucking great top of the class with good marks, I need something to feel proud of because I fail at being pretty, thin, hot, loved, athletic. People only give a shit who are amazing, no one cares about people who are only average. So if I'm not going to do great then I had might as well fail.
I can't do anything and I can't even explain anything.
I'm in a terrible mood and I keep letting everyone down. I'm not cut out for university and I'm letting myself slip. I don't want to do this and I don't want to be here, I'd only want to be here if I was actually worth something to the academic system which I'm not. If I'm not great at schooling I won't get a job and I'll continue to be a failure in my parents eyes and my own eyes.
I have no motivation but I want it, I want to be better and there is the part of me that won't let me get better. It's like I'm drowning in a sea of darkness and depression.
I can't get out of bed, I can't start things early.
I'm so confussed with my own words and I can't explain anything.
I feel stuck and I feel sad and lonely.
I feel like I could just become invisable and scream scream scream.
Noone wants to love me no one wants to fall in love with me even if they give the vibes there in to me, my heart is constantly played with and I always get the worse senarios handed to me. I want want want and I can never get.
I'm sorry for the super long blog but I don't have anywhere else to turn, its easier to type than it is to speak, sometimes I wish I could just sit in silence and anyone who wonders what is wrong I wish I could let them into my brain for three minutes and they would feel and hear everything that I do because explaining it to them (well trying) just never works they just don't get it because they haven't been there, but you guys have, you guys get it.
I'm off to stare at my essay screen and become more and more frustrated.
I'm cursed to forever be alone in my turmoil in my reality.