Embarking on treatment?

       Tomorrow ... well today I suppose is a big day.
I am starting an eating disorder support group and a self image group at a place called Sheena's Place. I am terrified. Parts of me want to go and other very strong parts of me do not want to go. The one thing that is keeping me going is that I was told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I really should go. In all honesty when I was suffering serverly from anorexia a few year ago and ended up in the hospital I really reeked havoc on my body, I have destroyed my bones because of osteoporosis, I have shin splints and a foot fracture. I stunted the growth of my upper body so now at my gained weight I still have very small breasts. I am still anemic to this day. My hair will never be as full. A few months after recovery the first time was wonderful, I gained the weight back and pushed out bad thoughts but they came trickling back in and I was at my highest weight and I just couldn't do it, my thoughts kill me all the time, this time I couldn't seem to stick to fasting so I would limit my calorie intake but end up bindging on sweets and junk food and cola and then I would purge, and this is the cycle I've gotten stuck in and it again is hurting my body, my digestive system is fucked up, my stomach can't handle much, my heart flutters and my teeth are being affected by the acid from throwing up. I try and exercise and lose weight but I am stuck in this cycle and I hate myself and I hate my body. I want so badly to get back to the thin body I once had but I remember hating myself at that weight to so I've reached a cross roads. There is a part of me that want to know what it is like to not be so afraid of eating and not feel so guilty after. And there is part of me that wants this group to trigger me more than anything and be able to have control and lose weight.
I am afraid of both options.
I am also afraid of judgement not being thin enough not being sick enough. I am afraid.

Youtube video, life update

Exam month is crazy so here is a life catch up.

I got around to gaining knowledge about my weight. I am 138 pounds, YUCK.

I just finished a 4000 word essay about economics.... head desk.

It won't be long till I am alone and everyone has left me. I am very sad.

I have the worse headache ever right now and about a million things to do.

I signed the lease for my house for a year.

I have two more tests until I am completed my first year.

I finally made a youtube video
please check it out, perhaps it will make you laugh :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecXfw3YGYmI

Blogging from A to Z day: A

Adventure,... April,... Ardvardk,... Apples,... Appendix... ABOUT ME!

I have decided to take part in the blogging from A-Z challenge in which you post in April everyday (except Sunday) with a topic beginning with the letter you are on. Today is A and I thought I would take the time to do an about me in the form of answering some questions.

Baby Sarah-Lexxi

Premature by 2 months I turned out okay.














Sarah-Lexxi now

First Year University Student studying Psychology and Theatre
This was taken at the annual formal
First Time ever wearing a blue dress.

19
5foot8
recently rented my first room in a house with friends










Random About me questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Sarah - my mother picked it from the bible. Alexis- my Dad's favorite soap opera character
and thus Sarah-Alexis


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
today after I woke up from a horrid nightmare in the middle of the day.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
  It could use some work to be perfect but yes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I do not eat meat

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
no but some day I want 4


6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I struggle with this question because of my low self esteem but looking at the way I treat others, yes


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
occasionaly


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes and I get strep throat ALOT


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 
Yes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
used to love fruit loops and nesquick but I don't eat cereal anymore


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
sometimes I think so mentally because I fight my head everyday


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
mint chocolate chip or moosetracks or just plain chocolate I use to love


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
eyes


15. RED OR PINK?
red


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my weight & my social skills my face my inability to get things done early


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
my friends back in london


20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
 carrots 


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
 cookies baking, cleaning products and laundry


27. HAIR COLOR?
natural ginger


28. EYE COLOR?
blue green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
haven't in a while


30. FAVORITE FOOD?
 I don't have one

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
scary


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Disturbia



37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
both

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
both


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
my psychology text book because I have an exam today




41. ANY TATTOOS?
wrist tattoos

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
rain falling

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
beetles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Ottawa


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
It use to be dance but I've had too many injuries

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
London


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Toronto


48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
my residence building is grey stone but my new house is old red brick




Those were some random questions.
some other information pretaining to my blog

Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa with bulimic tendencies, Bi-Polar type 2 with higher Major Depressive

Treatment: CBT, Sheena's Place for Eating disorders, Cipraplex