Embarking on treatment?

       Tomorrow ... well today I suppose is a big day.
I am starting an eating disorder support group and a self image group at a place called Sheena's Place. I am terrified. Parts of me want to go and other very strong parts of me do not want to go. The one thing that is keeping me going is that I was told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I really should go. In all honesty when I was suffering serverly from anorexia a few year ago and ended up in the hospital I really reeked havoc on my body, I have destroyed my bones because of osteoporosis, I have shin splints and a foot fracture. I stunted the growth of my upper body so now at my gained weight I still have very small breasts. I am still anemic to this day. My hair will never be as full. A few months after recovery the first time was wonderful, I gained the weight back and pushed out bad thoughts but they came trickling back in and I was at my highest weight and I just couldn't do it, my thoughts kill me all the time, this time I couldn't seem to stick to fasting so I would limit my calorie intake but end up bindging on sweets and junk food and cola and then I would purge, and this is the cycle I've gotten stuck in and it again is hurting my body, my digestive system is fucked up, my stomach can't handle much, my heart flutters and my teeth are being affected by the acid from throwing up. I try and exercise and lose weight but I am stuck in this cycle and I hate myself and I hate my body. I want so badly to get back to the thin body I once had but I remember hating myself at that weight to so I've reached a cross roads. There is a part of me that want to know what it is like to not be so afraid of eating and not feel so guilty after. And there is part of me that wants this group to trigger me more than anything and be able to have control and lose weight.
I am afraid of both options.
I am also afraid of judgement not being thin enough not being sick enough. I am afraid.

Day review, food planning, throwback

I did not get out of bed today until 5pm which is probably why I am writing this at 4am. I did not want to socialize or leave the building. I skipped my acting class which I have not done before. I just did not want to deal with today, I really don't want to deal with this week. I did go to my psychology class however.
I stuck mostly to my meal plan today.
I ate my fruits and yogurt at 6pm and some leftovers from yesterday around 8pm and made potatoes with steamed veggies at midnight and ate some of that and have enough to eat the for lunch tomorrow. Low cal meals for the win. I did how ever have half a dounut to curb a hypoglucemic sugar crash which I hate dealing with but I fucked up my sugar levels a long time ago when I was 105 pounds in 2009. I also really need to stop drinking full fat soda.
Tomorrow meals are as planned
Fruits and yogurt for breakfast around 11am
Potatoes for lunch around 230
Home made whole wheat and green pepper mini pizza (cal content only 200!)
hummus and carrots for a late night snack
I am also going to the gym at 3pm for a few hours.

I am also in a swim meet next monday.

I have a busy week with an in class assignment tomorrow at 140, an essay to work on, psychiatric appointment thursday to finish my assesment and talk about medication and treatment, formal on friday, st.pattys on sunday, swim meet, monologue presentation and meeting on monday. Being busy at least keeps me moving.
I want to buy a scale this week to start logging my weight because I rarely go home anymore since it is so far away.
I am thinking about doing youtube video and really working on this blog more.
If you have anything you would like me to write and talk about in a video please let me know and comment below.
I also want to tell you guys how much I love you and you who read this blog really keep me going and keep me sane.
My heart to yours
<3

Throwback pictures - I wish I looked better now and need a change.