Tomorrow ... well today I suppose is a big day.
I am starting an eating disorder support group and a self image group at a place called Sheena's Place. I am terrified. Parts of me want to go and other very strong parts of me do not want to go. The one thing that is keeping me going is that I was told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I really should go. In all honesty when I was suffering serverly from anorexia a few year ago and ended up in the hospital I really reeked havoc on my body, I have destroyed my bones because of osteoporosis, I have shin splints and a foot fracture. I stunted the growth of my upper body so now at my gained weight I still have very small breasts. I am still anemic to this day. My hair will never be as full. A few months after recovery the first time was wonderful, I gained the weight back and pushed out bad thoughts but they came trickling back in and I was at my highest weight and I just couldn't do it, my thoughts kill me all the time, this time I couldn't seem to stick to fasting so I would limit my calorie intake but end up bindging on sweets and junk food and cola and then I would purge, and this is the cycle I've gotten stuck in and it again is hurting my body, my digestive system is fucked up, my stomach can't handle much, my heart flutters and my teeth are being affected by the acid from throwing up. I try and exercise and lose weight but I am stuck in this cycle and I hate myself and I hate my body. I want so badly to get back to the thin body I once had but I remember hating myself at that weight to so I've reached a cross roads. There is a part of me that want to know what it is like to not be so afraid of eating and not feel so guilty after. And there is part of me that wants this group to trigger me more than anything and be able to have control and lose weight.
I am afraid of both options.
I am also afraid of judgement not being thin enough not being sick enough. I am afraid.
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