Embarking on treatment?

       Tomorrow ... well today I suppose is a big day.
I am starting an eating disorder support group and a self image group at a place called Sheena's Place. I am terrified. Parts of me want to go and other very strong parts of me do not want to go. The one thing that is keeping me going is that I was told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I really should go. In all honesty when I was suffering serverly from anorexia a few year ago and ended up in the hospital I really reeked havoc on my body, I have destroyed my bones because of osteoporosis, I have shin splints and a foot fracture. I stunted the growth of my upper body so now at my gained weight I still have very small breasts. I am still anemic to this day. My hair will never be as full. A few months after recovery the first time was wonderful, I gained the weight back and pushed out bad thoughts but they came trickling back in and I was at my highest weight and I just couldn't do it, my thoughts kill me all the time, this time I couldn't seem to stick to fasting so I would limit my calorie intake but end up bindging on sweets and junk food and cola and then I would purge, and this is the cycle I've gotten stuck in and it again is hurting my body, my digestive system is fucked up, my stomach can't handle much, my heart flutters and my teeth are being affected by the acid from throwing up. I try and exercise and lose weight but I am stuck in this cycle and I hate myself and I hate my body. I want so badly to get back to the thin body I once had but I remember hating myself at that weight to so I've reached a cross roads. There is a part of me that want to know what it is like to not be so afraid of eating and not feel so guilty after. And there is part of me that wants this group to trigger me more than anything and be able to have control and lose weight.
I am afraid of both options.
I am also afraid of judgement not being thin enough not being sick enough. I am afraid.

Blogging from A to Z day: A

Adventure,... April,... Ardvardk,... Apples,... Appendix... ABOUT ME!

I have decided to take part in the blogging from A-Z challenge in which you post in April everyday (except Sunday) with a topic beginning with the letter you are on. Today is A and I thought I would take the time to do an about me in the form of answering some questions.

Baby Sarah-Lexxi

Premature by 2 months I turned out okay.














Sarah-Lexxi now

First Year University Student studying Psychology and Theatre
This was taken at the annual formal
First Time ever wearing a blue dress.

19
5foot8
recently rented my first room in a house with friends










Random About me questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Sarah - my mother picked it from the bible. Alexis- my Dad's favorite soap opera character
and thus Sarah-Alexis


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
today after I woke up from a horrid nightmare in the middle of the day.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
  It could use some work to be perfect but yes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I do not eat meat

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
no but some day I want 4


6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I struggle with this question because of my low self esteem but looking at the way I treat others, yes


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
occasionaly


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes and I get strep throat ALOT


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 
Yes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
used to love fruit loops and nesquick but I don't eat cereal anymore


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
sometimes I think so mentally because I fight my head everyday


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
mint chocolate chip or moosetracks or just plain chocolate I use to love


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
eyes


15. RED OR PINK?
red


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my weight & my social skills my face my inability to get things done early


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
my friends back in london


20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
 carrots 


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
 cookies baking, cleaning products and laundry


27. HAIR COLOR?
natural ginger


28. EYE COLOR?
blue green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
haven't in a while


30. FAVORITE FOOD?
 I don't have one

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
scary


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Disturbia



37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
both

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
both


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
my psychology text book because I have an exam today




41. ANY TATTOOS?
wrist tattoos

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
rain falling

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
beetles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Ottawa


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
It use to be dance but I've had too many injuries

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
London


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Toronto


48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
my residence building is grey stone but my new house is old red brick




Those were some random questions.
some other information pretaining to my blog

Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa with bulimic tendencies, Bi-Polar type 2 with higher Major Depressive

Treatment: CBT, Sheena's Place for Eating disorders, Cipraplex

Bad Day, do not lose control

Apperently today is just not good.
Didn't want to get up, but got up.
Went to my in class assignment and pretended I actually knew something about velocity and amplitude of starts in relation to an exoplanet.
Was suppose to go to the gym at three but my friend is running late because she is not have a good day either and running around making appointments and it hurts me to see her so frazzled and telling me her life is falling apart and it makes me hurt so so much because I feel helpless and then again she doesn't seem to really need me anyways.
I tried to eat 7grapes with 50g of yogurt but couldn't so I binned it. Realizing I am going to the gym I tried to make light flaked tuna but I couldn't find my can opener so my brain told me it was a sign I shouldn't eat, which is fine except the fact that I need to plan these things out because I get so so scared that I am going to binge later and eat too much and fuck up and hate myself even more. So now I don't know what I am going to do.
I then decided to do 100 sit ups to curb my anxiety that I am feeling a lot today. I'm so anxious and fusterated and almost angry with myself today and then on the other hand I feel like bursting into tears. Last night right before I went to bed I did burst into tears thinking about being alone next year.
My anxiety continued after my sit ups and I cut a few fleshy lines into my hip to stomp on those feelings and remind myself to stay in control today.
I want to turn hunger off I don't want to be afraid of losing control and having to purge.
Now I am sitting on my bed waiting for my friend to text me to go to the gym. I have nothing else planned for the day and I just feel stuck.
I hope everyones day is going far better than mine.

Day review, food planning, throwback

I did not get out of bed today until 5pm which is probably why I am writing this at 4am. I did not want to socialize or leave the building. I skipped my acting class which I have not done before. I just did not want to deal with today, I really don't want to deal with this week. I did go to my psychology class however.
I stuck mostly to my meal plan today.
I ate my fruits and yogurt at 6pm and some leftovers from yesterday around 8pm and made potatoes with steamed veggies at midnight and ate some of that and have enough to eat the for lunch tomorrow. Low cal meals for the win. I did how ever have half a dounut to curb a hypoglucemic sugar crash which I hate dealing with but I fucked up my sugar levels a long time ago when I was 105 pounds in 2009. I also really need to stop drinking full fat soda.
Tomorrow meals are as planned
Fruits and yogurt for breakfast around 11am
Potatoes for lunch around 230
Home made whole wheat and green pepper mini pizza (cal content only 200!)
hummus and carrots for a late night snack
I am also going to the gym at 3pm for a few hours.

I am also in a swim meet next monday.

I have a busy week with an in class assignment tomorrow at 140, an essay to work on, psychiatric appointment thursday to finish my assesment and talk about medication and treatment, formal on friday, st.pattys on sunday, swim meet, monologue presentation and meeting on monday. Being busy at least keeps me moving.
I want to buy a scale this week to start logging my weight because I rarely go home anymore since it is so far away.
I am thinking about doing youtube video and really working on this blog more.
If you have anything you would like me to write and talk about in a video please let me know and comment below.
I also want to tell you guys how much I love you and you who read this blog really keep me going and keep me sane.
My heart to yours
<3

Throwback pictures - I wish I looked better now and need a change.