what am I up to life

just wanted to post an update about life right now since I haven't been posting much lately. Why haven't I been posting much lately you ask? It's because my laptop is broken and I have to use a very old slow computer for school things and it takes about 20 minutes just to get to my blogger. That I just haven't been doing anything lately.

So this is usually how my days are going  - either skip school and sleep and then do nothing or go to school (I finish at 10:45) and come home and sleep and do nothing.
But that is going to be changing because I finally have a job! I'm going to be working in Dairy Queen - Icecream place in the mall by my house - well it's not really close to my house because it takes me two buses to get there but a job is a job and I am going to be working quite a bit. I am saving up for University. I really want to move out of this house but it might be better for me to just stick it out and work lots and save the money.

Some interesting thnigs that have happend in my life recently: I had a party at my house for my best friends 19th birthday. People got drunk and it was a generally good time.
I really really like someone and ofcourse I can't be with them. There is this girl (yes I am bi-sexual) and we have been close friends for about 3 years now (yes she is bi-sexual to). We are better off best friends though and thats what we have decided. I like her so much though that it hurts alot -.- but as long as we are best friends then I can live with the fact we won't be together.

and today I have to go to the dentist to get three fillings and a cleaning - I HATE the dentist as I have posted quite a few times and I am not looking forward to sitting in a dental chair getting fillings for about 2 and a half hours.

I haven't been eating alot lately and I have been writing down what I do eat in my journal.I'm still 20 pounds over my goal weight though and it sucks.

My depression is also getting worse with this horrid snow/rain/slush weather we are having right now for some reason - the weather usually doesn't effect my depression but for some reason it is. and because of you lovely followers I am working really hard in trying to avoid suicide even though it is on my mind most of the time. You guys really do make me stronger <3

mental break

I had a mental break today.

I was planning on going to the mall with my friend to find a dress for this party on a weekend and I was getting dressed after my shower and changed my outfit honestly 20 times and by the 20th time I was crying because I hate my body do much. I ended up in yoga pants and a sweater. I was so upset and filled with self hate that I cut - right on my wrist which I've been trying not to do because of dance and fitness. I didn't even end up buying a dress because I hand zero self confidence.
The day didn't even start off well - I woke up to go to school and ended up going downstair put on half my uniform and then just felt this imense dread that I couldn't get myself to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there until I got myself in a hot bath then to get ready for the mall. -.-'

day = unsuccessful in everything.

I have have have to go to school tomorrow because I am doing the readings for Ash Wednesday unless of course they gave the part to someone else because I wasn't there today.

and I'm just sitting here now smoking and listening to music because I can't sleep.

I hope everyones day was so much better than mine.

baby showers

today I went to my sister in law's baby shower. I happy faced it even though I was the youngest and barely knew anyone there. I have such bad social anxiety. Seeing her face opening up the baby gifts I got her was lovely though.
My sister spent some time with me today, helped me with some school stuff - I love her, I wish I could tell her how much I hurt all the time. She just had her birthday and was talking about how strange it is to be so old and its funny because as she was talking all I could think was "wow I'm never going to make it to that age, I'll be long dead."

I'm off to bed now because tomorrow I get to babysit two boys aged 2 and 7 for 5 hours. They are pretty easy to babysit and super cute - one is a little hyper active but easy to distract with tv and toys. I love babysitting, seeing a happy child just makes me happy.

I hope everyone is doing well.

lots of love <3

let me know how you are! :)

bleeding vomiting spinning falling

I hate food but its all I think about - and I'm sure each and everyone of you can relate to that.

I also hate that it is incredibly hard for me to vomit - this might be a little too descriptive or tiggering so I apologize;  I caved and ate something that is not allowed in my mind and so I had to try and get rid of it - I can hunched over the toilet with three fingers down my throat - like really down their and I could only throw up a little - it took me so long to get enough up to stop and by then my eyes were red and the back of my hand was bleeding because of the amount of pressure my teeth had on it digging into it. And this is why it sucks to give in to my restricted foods.

Also since I have been in dance and fitness cutting on my wrists and arms where I usually do has become virtually impossible since I don't want people to see so now my sides are covered in little cuts -.-' changing is incredibly awkward in the changing rooms but luckily so far I've been able to get into a bathroom stall.

I'm also particularily lonely feeling since Valentines Day is in a few days but I honestly think its just an excuse to feel more lonely since I don't really understand Valentines Day anyway - you should do special things with your loved one anyday. For those who have loved ones -.- unlike me. I'm not loveable.

so after my first week of  fitness and dance the outcome was - extremely sore muscles xD
can't wait till next week- ha.

Other than that I've just been sleeping and such.

I've been quite lately, down, the usual.

Today I have to get from my house across town to a model fitting - there is a snow squall outside and the buses are running on Sunday schedules. UGH

school is already kicking my ass into gear.

today for example I did;
-50 minutes of hip hop
- 120 minutes of walking
- 40 minutes on a tread mill
- 25 minutes of weights
- 10 minutes on an elliptical
- 10 minutes sit ups

And tomorrow I have to do the beep test in fitness.
I also haven't been blogging because I haven't been doing anything - I even fell asleep at 7pm yesterday.

So now I am off to have a hot bath.

love you all <3

I haven't made a blog post in awhile D: sorry everyone!

I haven't really gotten out of bed to do much this week - I have this week off before my second semester starts.

Tonight I did get out of bed because I went to see Lights in concert - she was really good live I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Second semester starts monday and I am actually excited - I have dance and fitness so it will help me lose some weight - yay!

ok im off to go on tumblr or somethnig

love you!