I don't want to grow old

today has been a good day food wise. I had a low cal (60cals) pudding cup and then worked that off by working hard in fitness, 10 minute run, situps, leg ups ect. Then dance class for some good cardio. then I came home and went to sleep for a long while, ate half a plate of cheesy pasta - cried about it. Did a ten minute full body burn work out because I didn't want to go into the creepy basement to get on the elliptical. And I'm going to do a video called Victoria Beckham Leg workout - funny enough she is my inspiration for legs. So ya and I'm drinking ice water.

Other than food wise my day has been shitty. My one friend is very depressed and I don't know how to help her, I know there isn't much I can do and it is incredibly triggering for me. I really want to cut but I have two photoshoots in the next two days. I've also just been an emotional wreck.

I also may have mentioned before the incredible skinniness that is my dance teacher at school and I was un certain as to wether she was naturally like that or if she's sick like us. She choreography a grade 10 lyrical dance to Courage by Superchick and now I'm really wondering. - funny I wonder about her and she'd have no idea about me because I'm so fat.

my inner voice that many of you call "ana" is back in full force by the way. It's always there but lately Ive  been getting the "you aren't allowed that and you have to do this" voices.

I think this is what I would label as my major relapse. Lets see how this goes. It's only been one day but I feel like its going to be many more. I was to be stick thin like nothing else.

-- i think i hate that my friend is so depressed because I truly care about her but a part of inside thinks "she's beautiful, everyone wants her, she's super thin and yet thinks shes unlovable and fat. if she thinks that then what am i. an abruptness to the world that deserves to be removed.