Today was actually an okay day. this does not happen very often.
I woke up a little after noon hour, I went on the computer and then my friend came over for a bit. Then I went to my friends house for their family night (their family really likes having me over). We watched wedding shows and such. I ate fruit today and some dinner.
Thats all I really did and that was okay.
Things I should have done today however; - Study for my politics exam monday, -go to my fathers, -send in my supplementary audition form for dance university program as I don't have many days left.
obviously I procrastinate.

my friend got some of my modelling photos to me. here you go

trapped

                                                     [yes this is me in my fat legged glory]
I'm trapped and I can't find a way out.
This life seems like its going to mount to nothing.
I'm useless and fat.
I'm going to go eat myself into a candy sugar enduced coma now and then go on the eliptical for like four hours and still be fat.
I just want to die.

some random light at the end of the tunnel- I got booked for a chanel gala charity fashion show. No pay but it might help get my foot in the door. They probably won't like me because I'm to fat to be a model. Measurements are this sunday.

[just smiling through the devastation inside]

anywhere but here

     There is so much that I want that I can't have here. I want to be such unrealistic things; I want to be a model and actress and dancer. Why did I have to want to be something so unattainable from my town, plus I am not pretty enough.
    I want to move back to the UK, I don't remember it but I have more family there, maybe I could start over there. If I ever have the opportunity to move back I will because I would be all set, I wouldn't even have to worry about any citizen stuff because I am one - yay for living in two countries.

anyway enough of my longing for something that isn't here. I have to go to school tomorrow and ofcourse I am awake at two in the morning - like wide awake. My sleep pattern is fucked.

I think I am going to go eat something and throw it up because I'm just that fucked up and I feel like I'm being "told" to, you know? like its either don't eat or "since you have no will power and will eat you HAVE to throw it up"

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "IM DEPRESSED, I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE, HELP ME, FIX ME."  but no one is listening and I couldn't do it anyway. it's never going to go away. I was born this way - no gaga reference intended.
picture for today? I don't even know if I like it and my face isn't even in it.

My presentation went pretty well thank goodness!
I didn't go to school the next day though because I slept in then just said fuck it and slept for the rest of the day.
my friggen laptop has overheated and eaten three cords and is about to get through another- i honestly need a new laptop all together.
I'm stuck at my dads alll weekend so I am going to be extremely bored.
I don't have much else to write about.
stay strong beautifuls <3

rollercoaster day and a flashback

Today was a huge roller coaster.
In the beginning it was bad; I was nervous about my presentation and my stomach hurt really badly. I was called down to the office over the PA system and decided to ignore it.
It got better when we ran out of time for me to present so I get to go today, and then I went home and my stomach started to feel better and I got a letter in the mail - it was from a international poetry contest I had entered and it turns out that I am a semi-finalist in the competition and my poem is going to be published. I was extremely excited and so was my dad. Then I rewarded myself with a nap; I woke up a few hours later to my mother screaming about the mess of the house and more hating me. She didn't care about my poem.
The day got better again when I went to my friends house for a bit.
Then the day got much worse, my mother woke up around 1am and my friends were over - she kicked us out and I didn't get out of the house until she came down - she started screaming at me about my father telling her she was nuts and she was saying how I am a horrible daughter which escaled in her pushing me down and kicking me once or twice - so I booked it out of the house, and the thought crossed my mind that my mothers eyes were extremly dialiated so I think shes on drugs - again, and shes already an alchoholic.
need less to say its 5am and I am still up and I present today and I'm going to movie today so no nap time. ugghhh.  and I cut tonight.

I feel like giving you guys a flash back to me a few years ago. I was sicker than I am now though. I wore baggy  clothes a lot and wanted nothing more than to weigh nothing - I need to get back to a tiny size.

crazy day head spinning

I've had quite the day. I didn't go to school (big surprise huh) but I went to my friends house later in the day after a huge fight with my mom that resulted in her trashing my room and going around the house saying she wish she could have aborted me.
and at my friends house my friend keeled over in pain in her side and I had to take her to the emergency room; now thank god for our free health care and all but we have the longest waiting room times known to man - after being looked at by a nurse me and my friend had to wait in the emergency waiting for from 5 hours!! and then we got in to see a doctor and had to wait another hour and a half to get results back only for her to be given a shot of pain medication and told to come back for more testing tomorrow. They think something is wrong with her reproductive track so she broke down crying which made me cry and we were both so tired we cried harder. So we got back at about 3in the morning.
Now you think thats all right? WRONG. I have to present a project tomorrow on the ownership of the arctic and I only just finished my slide show and now its too late to go to bed and I feel like I'm dying.
lovely huh.
and to make it all a little ironic - I almost passed out from not eating today and barely eating anything yesterday so I bought some food to be sane for my friend and it came to 6 dollars and 66 cents.
I'm going to look like shit giving my presentation tomorrow but oh well.
I hope everyone had a much better day than me :)

oh and with that guy- he never showed up to talk to me - lied to my friends face about not knowing I wanted to talk to him and he got a girlfriend the other day - whom he had gone out with before but cheated on though she doesnt seem to care. So I'm done with him - he is no longer going to have any effect on my life.
I can not wait till I get home tomorrow so I can take a nap.

stuck but falling

like a wall that keeps out the happiness
If the wall is up long enough you begin to wonder
Does happiness even exist

I'm so tired; sleepy tired and life tired.

Tomorrow is going to be shitty. I have to talk to the boy to get him to shut the fuck up, I also want him to say to my face that it ment nothing to him. If I break I break.

I hope all you lovelies have a much better day <3