burning the candle at both ends

ABC day two 500 cals; success with 490cals - no weight loss so far.

in other news; Im still sick obviously.

I'm dying my hair bleach blonde probably sunday.

I'm super busy with dance. I have dance practice monday - thursday with week - tomorrow morning I have dance solo rehersals - Friday and Saturday I am performing a solo pointe piece called rise of the phoenix - If its taped i'll post it on here.

I'm doing dance photo shoot on Thursday.

busy busy busy - but I like busy alot.

now i am going to go to bed :)

I hope everyone is having a strong day <3

this is horrible

ABC day 1: 500 cals. I had less I had 300 cals today.

being sick makes it a lot easier to not eat but I hate being sick. I can't function.
I didn't even get to hand that project in today because I could not walk to school.
Today has been absolute rubbish. My parents were fighting about me and then at me, my Dad wants money - I have non to give him -  my mom is a right bitch and said she wants nothing to do with dance or me and that I'm a burrden she wishes she had aborted.

I was going to make low fat hot chocolate and there was none and I burst out into tears.

Plus for being sick - my period ended early.

I really need to go see my physio therapist because my hip injury is acting up. I cannot afford to have permanently damaged something because dance is all I have.

I hope everyones day was better than mine <3
I am trying not to cut so I really hope I don't even though I realllly want to,

sick again; late night project

I am so sick. again!
ugghhhhhhhh
stuffy nose, sore throat, head ache, dizzy, fever.
and do you know what I am doing? a project that is due tomorrow.
It has to be done.
Today was ok. ABC will have to wait till tomorrow - I had to have a sit down dinner with my friends family.
So I am starting tomorrow. like I said. wow. . .  sorry.
Today I saw a friend I have not seen in a while - we walked to the mall - it was cold and probably did not help my cold. I bought some make up.
I bought a scratch card - I lost.
Other than that nothing really went on today.
Tomorrow I have to get this project into my politics teacher - its going to be half assed but its going to be done. Then I am going home to sleep until I need to leave for dance. I have dance class then I am going to go home to bed.
I wish I could sleep now - The second half of my project is waiting for me. I must go.
I hope everyone had a wonderous homework free day.
I'll comment on blogs tomorrow.
and I'm off
love; Sarah xx

binge explosion, new day, new coat

stupid stupid stupid I'm so stupid. I binged like hard core binge - for me anyway. I hadn't eaten in a day and a half and I felt fine; then my friends asked me to go out - we went to mac donalds - usually I'm good at avoiding Mac Donalds but for some reason this time I went nuts - I'm going to feel discusting sharing this with everyone but here is the intake:
One Junior Chicken - 380cals
One crispy chicken snack wrap - 290cals
One medium fry- 360cals
One medium coke- 220cals
Total - 1250cals

HOLY EW ARGGG
and I didn't even have time to throw it up.

so today is a new day - today I am starting the ABC diet - I am usualy so AGAINST these little diets but I need something to tell me what is allowed - I need a little structure - and its hard to explain - its like as I was crying last night affter my binge something snapped like I HAVE to do this.

I also went on a run, I suck at running but I went anyway.

I'm trying to find a positive to this blog post for you guys . . . I got a new coat this weekend! I love it very much - here I'll post a picture :) . I did very much enjoy my shopping trip and I did enjoy my milky way and Quavers.
also I'm playing with the idea of going bleach blonde for a while. maybe it will be a weight loss reward.
today is my day to remind myself - It is a new day - everyday is new.
my coat :)

also I went out for coffee and this is what people at the coffee shop I go to do :) brightens up my day
you can also see my anti-bullying pledge pin in the corner - I took a pledge to help end bullying:)

coming and goings of today

I should be getting ready to go out with my two best friends right now but I feel like I don't look good in anything so I can't find anything to wear and that make up is a hassle even though I know I won't leave the house without it. The farthest I got was having a shower and brushing my teeth.

Today I am going to "The British Shop" in my city - oh Canada thank you for at least having a place were I can get things from my real home xD and honestly a few things I've learnt from England to Canada is that 1.The chocolate in Britain is the best thing ever! my grandpa use to work for Cadbury and bring home chocolate when I was very small, but by far my favourite chocolate bar is a Milky Way and I'm going to let my self have one today. 2.Crisps are better. 3. everything is better. but honestly my mom has written up a list of things for me to get - black pudding for her [personally I don't like it + I am a vegetarian] and tea xD.

I am also going to the mall today and I actually have money to spend - if I find anything I actually want to buy - feel confident enough to wear - I will take pictures to post for you guys.

Last night I didn't eat until 9pm - and I wouldn't have eaten at all if it wasn't for my friend -.-' but today is a new day - I have a plan. I'm going to work off that milky way but honestly I am going to try and enjoy it.

Monday I find out specifics about the music video I am going to be in [exciting!] and last night I got an email confirming I am a dance soloist for a show at a fair xD

my picture meaning of today - Its snowing where I live already - I miss the summer. and I really need more slouchy long sleeve tops.

anyways enough of my goings ons - have a great day everyone <3

love always
              Sarah xx

update

Dance makes it hard to update my blog every single day but boy do I try!
I don't think I have lost any weight yet from cutting out foods and more dance but then again I haven't weighed myself - I don't look any different though.
There is this one girl in 5/6 of my dance classes and she is my thinspo - shes a little taller than me but sooo much thinner - such an amazing dance to.
I got my politics exam back - not as good as I wanted it to be Application: 24/24 Thinking and Inquiry: 15/17 and Communication 20/35 - communication is always my worst - I have never been able to spell - when I was little I use to write all my letters backwards and in the wrong spot - it took me a long time to conquer that.

When I go to dance classes I have late classes monday - wednesday so I stay at my Dad's at the night - my Dad has always made me feel uncomfortable and honestly he's really weird so its hard to stay there and my mom is so happy that I'm not home as often because she hates me being around - I wish I had my own place but since I dance four times a week sometimes five it is near impossible to find a job.

Anyways not much else to talk about except for the fact I nearly died in dance yesterday because I wore my sweater to hide my arms  - it was way too hot. Tonight cover up might do the trick.

Yesterday the social justice team put on something called a "mix it up" were different people sit at tables and meet new people - it was for our anti-bullying week. Since I have been so severly bullied through out my life I volunteered to spear head as one of the leaders - it was a great success. Tomorrow we are holding a big anti bullying assembly so hopefully that goes well.

I'm getting some dance pictures taken in the near future so I'll make sure to post some :)

I think I am going to have a lay down now until I need to leave for dance so big restful hugs!
Sarah xx

life update

I shouldn't drink.
I get to emotional.
I smashed a fucking beer bottle just to have something I could cut myself with. My arm looks like a massacre.
I spent most of Saturday throwing up - laying down and drinking water trying to remember what the fuck happen the night before. I really should not drink. I'm going to try and not drink. I mean this is going to sound twisted but I could be really drunk smashed that beer bottle and slit my wrists deep enough to bleed out and die and everyone around would be too drunk to do anything and thats NOT the part that bothers me - its that I won't really be aware of my own death. I'll have taken myself away from life with out any last sober thoughts and that bothers me. I am way to suicidal to drink.

On an other less depressing topic I hung out with friends tonight and went on a lovely 7k walk.

Tomorrow - well really in about four hours I'm still deciding wether or not to go to school for my one class. I like politics and I'm doing decently well but my attendance is rubbish because I don't actually HAVE to be in class nor do I need the class.

Later today I suppose - I have modern dance class tonight and I will take a nap before then.

In other more exciting news - I might be in a music video - which is super exciting - I've always fancied being an actress so I audition for things here and there and I finally got a call back. I also have a modelling shoot in the next two weeks - which is lovely because I really need the money - its implied nude but its for art and such - ya everyone has their opinions on that sort of thing but I am not against fine art implied nude - I AM against full on porn nudity and would never do something like that. So my week is super busy with dance from Monday - Thursday - I'm going to the mall with a friend friday.

This was a super long post but it seems like I have alot to talk about tonight haha. maybe I just talk more at 4:30 in the morning. what else is  there to talk about... ah yes, I am fasting to day - mondays are the easiest - i never have to eat breakfast or lunch but dinner is sometimes tricky - [unless of course im into my hiding food stages] but mondays i leave for dance late enough to say - I will grab something from Dads [my Dad lives close to the dance studio so I usually stay there when I dance] and when I get to my Dads I say "I ate at Moms" my parents rarely talk so it won't matter.

I think I'm done typing .... .... wait wait I forgot to mention I am printing out my poetry and thinking about sending it to some publishers - I really want to publish a poetry book :)

Honestly - I do have things I want to do in life even though I'm severely depressed, sometimes I think of it as my bucket list and sometimes I think it might save me one day.

On a last note - don't sit on your feet while tying long blog posts - you will get pins and needles and it will suck.

A prickly sore tired Sarah saying goodnight - good morning and sorry for the long read - have an amazing day <#