life update

I shouldn't drink.
I get to emotional.
I smashed a fucking beer bottle just to have something I could cut myself with. My arm looks like a massacre.
I spent most of Saturday throwing up - laying down and drinking water trying to remember what the fuck happen the night before. I really should not drink. I'm going to try and not drink. I mean this is going to sound twisted but I could be really drunk smashed that beer bottle and slit my wrists deep enough to bleed out and die and everyone around would be too drunk to do anything and thats NOT the part that bothers me - its that I won't really be aware of my own death. I'll have taken myself away from life with out any last sober thoughts and that bothers me. I am way to suicidal to drink.

On an other less depressing topic I hung out with friends tonight and went on a lovely 7k walk.

Tomorrow - well really in about four hours I'm still deciding wether or not to go to school for my one class. I like politics and I'm doing decently well but my attendance is rubbish because I don't actually HAVE to be in class nor do I need the class.

Later today I suppose - I have modern dance class tonight and I will take a nap before then.

In other more exciting news - I might be in a music video - which is super exciting - I've always fancied being an actress so I audition for things here and there and I finally got a call back. I also have a modelling shoot in the next two weeks - which is lovely because I really need the money - its implied nude but its for art and such - ya everyone has their opinions on that sort of thing but I am not against fine art implied nude - I AM against full on porn nudity and would never do something like that. So my week is super busy with dance from Monday - Thursday - I'm going to the mall with a friend friday.

This was a super long post but it seems like I have alot to talk about tonight haha. maybe I just talk more at 4:30 in the morning. what else is  there to talk about... ah yes, I am fasting to day - mondays are the easiest - i never have to eat breakfast or lunch but dinner is sometimes tricky - [unless of course im into my hiding food stages] but mondays i leave for dance late enough to say - I will grab something from Dads [my Dad lives close to the dance studio so I usually stay there when I dance] and when I get to my Dads I say "I ate at Moms" my parents rarely talk so it won't matter.

I think I'm done typing .... .... wait wait I forgot to mention I am printing out my poetry and thinking about sending it to some publishers - I really want to publish a poetry book :)

Honestly - I do have things I want to do in life even though I'm severely depressed, sometimes I think of it as my bucket list and sometimes I think it might save me one day.

On a last note - don't sit on your feet while tying long blog posts - you will get pins and needles and it will suck.

A prickly sore tired Sarah saying goodnight - good morning and sorry for the long read - have an amazing day <#