my main phrase of the week when asked if I am okay is "I'm good I'm handling everything" because honestly the school year is up and all these people won't be around and I might as well let them think I am good, why let them worry and some just want to hear I'm okay for their good conscience.

Drifting and fading

My importance will drift and I will be left alone with the person i hate the most; myself. How am I suppose to go on without anything concrete to reach for. I am different and a challenge that noone wants to take and I can only pretend to be fine for so long before I can't handle it anymore. I am already being phased out of this world. There will be nothing left for me and I can't keep grasping at fake hopes, unrealistic dreams and thin air. I need to get ready to go.

exersice log

still have not eaten anything today but I did get my fat ass to the gym for two hours.
Burnt only 474 calories sadly  I need to figure out more exersices that burn more calories. I only survived on the eliptical for 20 minutes today before I felt like I was going to pass the fuck out.
My stomach is grumbling so much at the moment but I am so afraid to eat anything, so so afraid even something small.
I think I will shower and take a nap.

Bad Day, do not lose control

Apperently today is just not good.
Didn't want to get up, but got up.
Went to my in class assignment and pretended I actually knew something about velocity and amplitude of starts in relation to an exoplanet.
Was suppose to go to the gym at three but my friend is running late because she is not have a good day either and running around making appointments and it hurts me to see her so frazzled and telling me her life is falling apart and it makes me hurt so so much because I feel helpless and then again she doesn't seem to really need me anyways.
I tried to eat 7grapes with 50g of yogurt but couldn't so I binned it. Realizing I am going to the gym I tried to make light flaked tuna but I couldn't find my can opener so my brain told me it was a sign I shouldn't eat, which is fine except the fact that I need to plan these things out because I get so so scared that I am going to binge later and eat too much and fuck up and hate myself even more. So now I don't know what I am going to do.
I then decided to do 100 sit ups to curb my anxiety that I am feeling a lot today. I'm so anxious and fusterated and almost angry with myself today and then on the other hand I feel like bursting into tears. Last night right before I went to bed I did burst into tears thinking about being alone next year.
My anxiety continued after my sit ups and I cut a few fleshy lines into my hip to stomp on those feelings and remind myself to stay in control today.
I want to turn hunger off I don't want to be afraid of losing control and having to purge.
Now I am sitting on my bed waiting for my friend to text me to go to the gym. I have nothing else planned for the day and I just feel stuck.
I hope everyones day is going far better than mine.

Day review, food planning, throwback

I did not get out of bed today until 5pm which is probably why I am writing this at 4am. I did not want to socialize or leave the building. I skipped my acting class which I have not done before. I just did not want to deal with today, I really don't want to deal with this week. I did go to my psychology class however.
I stuck mostly to my meal plan today.
I ate my fruits and yogurt at 6pm and some leftovers from yesterday around 8pm and made potatoes with steamed veggies at midnight and ate some of that and have enough to eat the for lunch tomorrow. Low cal meals for the win. I did how ever have half a dounut to curb a hypoglucemic sugar crash which I hate dealing with but I fucked up my sugar levels a long time ago when I was 105 pounds in 2009. I also really need to stop drinking full fat soda.
Tomorrow meals are as planned
Fruits and yogurt for breakfast around 11am
Potatoes for lunch around 230
Home made whole wheat and green pepper mini pizza (cal content only 200!)
hummus and carrots for a late night snack
I am also going to the gym at 3pm for a few hours.

I am also in a swim meet next monday.

I have a busy week with an in class assignment tomorrow at 140, an essay to work on, psychiatric appointment thursday to finish my assesment and talk about medication and treatment, formal on friday, st.pattys on sunday, swim meet, monologue presentation and meeting on monday. Being busy at least keeps me moving.
I want to buy a scale this week to start logging my weight because I rarely go home anymore since it is so far away.
I am thinking about doing youtube video and really working on this blog more.
If you have anything you would like me to write and talk about in a video please let me know and comment below.
I also want to tell you guys how much I love you and you who read this blog really keep me going and keep me sane.
My heart to yours
<3

Throwback pictures - I wish I looked better now and need a change.

meal planning and formal dress

I ran out of my meal plan at school, which is fine because I was starting to hate eating on campus because there are only a few safe foods I have and I was extra tempted to binge on the bad foods. But because I ran out of meal plan I had to go grocery shopping because I have to cook my meals now with limited cooking appliences. The only grocer around is a huge superstore so going in there was over whelming even with my list. It took me three hours to finish my shopping for a weeks worth of food. I planned out healthy and stuck to my list so I cant be tempted by bad foods.
Today I had
-a greek salad w/ no dressing 200 cals
- a fettichini alfrado with peppers 500 cals
-carrots to snack

Tomorrow I have planned
-cut strawberries and grapes with low fat yogurt (I pre made a measured so I don't have super anxiety in the morning)
-two small potatoes mashed with light sour cream and steamed veggies for dinner
-possible light flaked tuna with green onion if I get really hungry

I also have things planned like brown rice with veg and tomato paste on whole wheat tortia and light tortia homemade mini pizza. Soups and salads for lunch. I also got hummus for protien.

I am going to keep my cals and portion sizes small and low.

I need to fix my fat body.
I also cannot sleep right now at 430am and need to be up at 9am to shower, write a paper and go to acting class from 230-530 and psych from 7-10. 

As promised this is the formal dress I bought after 4 hours of anxiety ridden dress shopping. After the formal event I will post my all dolled up. 

Sick, appointment, dance

I am sick. I hate being sick. I can't breath through my nose and my throat hurts, I hate how easily I get sick. I'm terrible at functioning when I am sick, I didn't even get out of bed today and now I am awake and still sick and my night time cold medicine is not making me drowsy.
My psychiatric appointment yesterday was pretty stressful, the doctor was nice and all but I have a lot of problem and I have to start dealing with them, we didn't even get through the full assessment so I have to go and finish it next week. He re-diagnosed my eating disorder and we are working at looking into diagnosing possible bipolar disorder which I didn't even consider but talking about it with him seems to shed a lot of light on my behavior, it is honestly a little scary and I'm not sure what to think quite yet. Purging ofc ourse is reeking havoc on my body but I am not ready to stop. And I am constantly fighting the urge to cut all the time.
Tomorrow I have to force myself to go to class and go to the mall to find a dress for my fat body for our university formal dance. Our theme is James Bond. I'll be sure to post a picture of my dress. I'm sure it will take me hours to decide on a dress. I am going with my best friend which I love but its hard for me because she also suffers from an eating disorder but she is VERY thin and I just wish I looked like her. Of course it kills me to see her suffer from being that thin because I know what its like but I wish I was back there.
Right now I am not in a good mood at all, I feel like screaming and cutting into my skin and doing sit up till I cry but I can't because my roommate is here and I don't want to trigger her with exercise, I'm sick and I obviously don't cut in front of others. I just want to cry, but I can't. I want to go hug and be loved my someone special but I can't. I'm alone and I hate me and its a stuggle and so I am writing and trying to distract myself.

Psychiatric

So I am feeling nervous. Tomorrow I have a psychiatric appointment. My therapist wrote a letter for me to take with me. They are going to decide what kind of medication I need and what my final officail diagnosies will be. I'm nervous because I don't really know what to say. I've warmed up to my therapist and that took a very long time, and now I have to spill all this stuff to someone else. This will be person number 5 on my care team list 1. Therapist 2. Nutritionist 3.Don 4.RLC and now 5.Psychiatrist. I am not use to having so many people know my shit and I still feel like they just don't get it and it is so hard for me to explain with words. I'm getting a full psych evaluation tomorrow. I will keep you updated about how it goes.

In other news; I'm trying to keep busy so I don't go completely out of my mind, I'm volunteering for our University open house, I've ran some house events and I've actually been doing my school work. I even have an A in Theater.

I weighed myself while I was at home this weekend. I am 136lbs... and at 5'8'' I am very fat to me. My goal right now is 125lbs. So I need to start hitting up the gym again and restricting and since I'm nowhere near my danger weight like when I was 16 (105lbs) everyone of my care team members thinks it is a okay to exercise. I feel like I can get away with anything, now just to find the motivation in all the self hate I have.
Recent me photographs