Update

It feels like I haven't wrote in a decade but really what else has changed.

I've been taking the break up of my girlfriend and I very very hard. Feeling very alone and like I lost a lover and a friend.

My eating disorder support group is going well, it has become a constant in my life, they don't pressure me to recover, they are just there for support and honestly it helps.

I'm going no where with my counsellor and am going to need a new one despite financial disability.

I am waiting for my student loan to come in and holy shit its getting close to the first of the month and I NEED to pay rent and right now I can't even buy groceries. It is terrible and does my family help, no. I have a waitressing job but I keep having bad manic episodes and blowing it and drinking and doing stupid shit.

Realistically I am falling apart and need to channel my energy.

I am starting a 30 day shred on the first of June and I would like to share my journey with you and so the post after this one will be about the challenge.

I have not gone to bed yet today and what is in store for the day? - talking to a finacial advisor, going to class and writing a test, maybe possibly seeing my ex but probably not because she really doesn't seem like she wants to be close friends at the moment, I'm getting slightly numb to the fact that I am too much trouble for what I'm worth and everyone leaves.

I also got drunk and went from manic to depressive very quickly the other night and almost jumped off a roof... not very high but high enough it would have done alot of damage, my new friend was there and basically said I was just attention seeking (even though I wasn't asking for his attention and my brain didn't care he was there) because if I really wanted to die I would have done it already or from a higher roof.

I need to locate some coffee.

Embarking on treatment?

       Tomorrow ... well today I suppose is a big day.
I am starting an eating disorder support group and a self image group at a place called Sheena's Place. I am terrified. Parts of me want to go and other very strong parts of me do not want to go. The one thing that is keeping me going is that I was told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I really should go. In all honesty when I was suffering serverly from anorexia a few year ago and ended up in the hospital I really reeked havoc on my body, I have destroyed my bones because of osteoporosis, I have shin splints and a foot fracture. I stunted the growth of my upper body so now at my gained weight I still have very small breasts. I am still anemic to this day. My hair will never be as full. A few months after recovery the first time was wonderful, I gained the weight back and pushed out bad thoughts but they came trickling back in and I was at my highest weight and I just couldn't do it, my thoughts kill me all the time, this time I couldn't seem to stick to fasting so I would limit my calorie intake but end up bindging on sweets and junk food and cola and then I would purge, and this is the cycle I've gotten stuck in and it again is hurting my body, my digestive system is fucked up, my stomach can't handle much, my heart flutters and my teeth are being affected by the acid from throwing up. I try and exercise and lose weight but I am stuck in this cycle and I hate myself and I hate my body. I want so badly to get back to the thin body I once had but I remember hating myself at that weight to so I've reached a cross roads. There is a part of me that want to know what it is like to not be so afraid of eating and not feel so guilty after. And there is part of me that wants this group to trigger me more than anything and be able to have control and lose weight.
I am afraid of both options.
I am also afraid of judgement not being thin enough not being sick enough. I am afraid.

Youtube video, life update

Exam month is crazy so here is a life catch up.

I got around to gaining knowledge about my weight. I am 138 pounds, YUCK.

I just finished a 4000 word essay about economics.... head desk.

It won't be long till I am alone and everyone has left me. I am very sad.

I have the worse headache ever right now and about a million things to do.

I signed the lease for my house for a year.

I have two more tests until I am completed my first year.

I finally made a youtube video
please check it out, perhaps it will make you laugh :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecXfw3YGYmI

Blogging from A to Z day: A

Adventure,... April,... Ardvardk,... Apples,... Appendix... ABOUT ME!

I have decided to take part in the blogging from A-Z challenge in which you post in April everyday (except Sunday) with a topic beginning with the letter you are on. Today is A and I thought I would take the time to do an about me in the form of answering some questions.

Baby Sarah-Lexxi

Premature by 2 months I turned out okay.














Sarah-Lexxi now

First Year University Student studying Psychology and Theatre
This was taken at the annual formal
First Time ever wearing a blue dress.

19
5foot8
recently rented my first room in a house with friends










Random About me questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Sarah - my mother picked it from the bible. Alexis- my Dad's favorite soap opera character
and thus Sarah-Alexis


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
today after I woke up from a horrid nightmare in the middle of the day.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
  It could use some work to be perfect but yes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I do not eat meat

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
no but some day I want 4


6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I struggle with this question because of my low self esteem but looking at the way I treat others, yes


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
occasionaly


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes and I get strep throat ALOT


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 
Yes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
used to love fruit loops and nesquick but I don't eat cereal anymore


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
sometimes I think so mentally because I fight my head everyday


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
mint chocolate chip or moosetracks or just plain chocolate I use to love


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
eyes


15. RED OR PINK?
red


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my weight & my social skills my face my inability to get things done early


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
my friends back in london


20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
 carrots 


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
 cookies baking, cleaning products and laundry


27. HAIR COLOR?
natural ginger


28. EYE COLOR?
blue green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
haven't in a while


30. FAVORITE FOOD?
 I don't have one

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
scary


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Disturbia



37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
both

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
both


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
my psychology text book because I have an exam today




41. ANY TATTOOS?
wrist tattoos

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
rain falling

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
beetles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Ottawa


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
It use to be dance but I've had too many injuries

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
London


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Toronto


48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
my residence building is grey stone but my new house is old red brick




Those were some random questions.
some other information pretaining to my blog

Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa with bulimic tendencies, Bi-Polar type 2 with higher Major Depressive

Treatment: CBT, Sheena's Place for Eating disorders, Cipraplex

my main phrase of the week when asked if I am okay is "I'm good I'm handling everything" because honestly the school year is up and all these people won't be around and I might as well let them think I am good, why let them worry and some just want to hear I'm okay for their good conscience.

Drifting and fading

My importance will drift and I will be left alone with the person i hate the most; myself. How am I suppose to go on without anything concrete to reach for. I am different and a challenge that noone wants to take and I can only pretend to be fine for so long before I can't handle it anymore. I am already being phased out of this world. There will be nothing left for me and I can't keep grasping at fake hopes, unrealistic dreams and thin air. I need to get ready to go.

exersice log

still have not eaten anything today but I did get my fat ass to the gym for two hours.
Burnt only 474 calories sadly  I need to figure out more exersices that burn more calories. I only survived on the eliptical for 20 minutes today before I felt like I was going to pass the fuck out.
My stomach is grumbling so much at the moment but I am so afraid to eat anything, so so afraid even something small.
I think I will shower and take a nap.

Bad Day, do not lose control

Apperently today is just not good.
Didn't want to get up, but got up.
Went to my in class assignment and pretended I actually knew something about velocity and amplitude of starts in relation to an exoplanet.
Was suppose to go to the gym at three but my friend is running late because she is not have a good day either and running around making appointments and it hurts me to see her so frazzled and telling me her life is falling apart and it makes me hurt so so much because I feel helpless and then again she doesn't seem to really need me anyways.
I tried to eat 7grapes with 50g of yogurt but couldn't so I binned it. Realizing I am going to the gym I tried to make light flaked tuna but I couldn't find my can opener so my brain told me it was a sign I shouldn't eat, which is fine except the fact that I need to plan these things out because I get so so scared that I am going to binge later and eat too much and fuck up and hate myself even more. So now I don't know what I am going to do.
I then decided to do 100 sit ups to curb my anxiety that I am feeling a lot today. I'm so anxious and fusterated and almost angry with myself today and then on the other hand I feel like bursting into tears. Last night right before I went to bed I did burst into tears thinking about being alone next year.
My anxiety continued after my sit ups and I cut a few fleshy lines into my hip to stomp on those feelings and remind myself to stay in control today.
I want to turn hunger off I don't want to be afraid of losing control and having to purge.
Now I am sitting on my bed waiting for my friend to text me to go to the gym. I have nothing else planned for the day and I just feel stuck.
I hope everyones day is going far better than mine.

Day review, food planning, throwback

I did not get out of bed today until 5pm which is probably why I am writing this at 4am. I did not want to socialize or leave the building. I skipped my acting class which I have not done before. I just did not want to deal with today, I really don't want to deal with this week. I did go to my psychology class however.
I stuck mostly to my meal plan today.
I ate my fruits and yogurt at 6pm and some leftovers from yesterday around 8pm and made potatoes with steamed veggies at midnight and ate some of that and have enough to eat the for lunch tomorrow. Low cal meals for the win. I did how ever have half a dounut to curb a hypoglucemic sugar crash which I hate dealing with but I fucked up my sugar levels a long time ago when I was 105 pounds in 2009. I also really need to stop drinking full fat soda.
Tomorrow meals are as planned
Fruits and yogurt for breakfast around 11am
Potatoes for lunch around 230
Home made whole wheat and green pepper mini pizza (cal content only 200!)
hummus and carrots for a late night snack
I am also going to the gym at 3pm for a few hours.

I am also in a swim meet next monday.

I have a busy week with an in class assignment tomorrow at 140, an essay to work on, psychiatric appointment thursday to finish my assesment and talk about medication and treatment, formal on friday, st.pattys on sunday, swim meet, monologue presentation and meeting on monday. Being busy at least keeps me moving.
I want to buy a scale this week to start logging my weight because I rarely go home anymore since it is so far away.
I am thinking about doing youtube video and really working on this blog more.
If you have anything you would like me to write and talk about in a video please let me know and comment below.
I also want to tell you guys how much I love you and you who read this blog really keep me going and keep me sane.
My heart to yours
<3

Throwback pictures - I wish I looked better now and need a change.

meal planning and formal dress

I ran out of my meal plan at school, which is fine because I was starting to hate eating on campus because there are only a few safe foods I have and I was extra tempted to binge on the bad foods. But because I ran out of meal plan I had to go grocery shopping because I have to cook my meals now with limited cooking appliences. The only grocer around is a huge superstore so going in there was over whelming even with my list. It took me three hours to finish my shopping for a weeks worth of food. I planned out healthy and stuck to my list so I cant be tempted by bad foods.
Today I had
-a greek salad w/ no dressing 200 cals
- a fettichini alfrado with peppers 500 cals
-carrots to snack

Tomorrow I have planned
-cut strawberries and grapes with low fat yogurt (I pre made a measured so I don't have super anxiety in the morning)
-two small potatoes mashed with light sour cream and steamed veggies for dinner
-possible light flaked tuna with green onion if I get really hungry

I also have things planned like brown rice with veg and tomato paste on whole wheat tortia and light tortia homemade mini pizza. Soups and salads for lunch. I also got hummus for protien.

I am going to keep my cals and portion sizes small and low.

I need to fix my fat body.
I also cannot sleep right now at 430am and need to be up at 9am to shower, write a paper and go to acting class from 230-530 and psych from 7-10. 

As promised this is the formal dress I bought after 4 hours of anxiety ridden dress shopping. After the formal event I will post my all dolled up. 

Sick, appointment, dance

I am sick. I hate being sick. I can't breath through my nose and my throat hurts, I hate how easily I get sick. I'm terrible at functioning when I am sick, I didn't even get out of bed today and now I am awake and still sick and my night time cold medicine is not making me drowsy.
My psychiatric appointment yesterday was pretty stressful, the doctor was nice and all but I have a lot of problem and I have to start dealing with them, we didn't even get through the full assessment so I have to go and finish it next week. He re-diagnosed my eating disorder and we are working at looking into diagnosing possible bipolar disorder which I didn't even consider but talking about it with him seems to shed a lot of light on my behavior, it is honestly a little scary and I'm not sure what to think quite yet. Purging ofc ourse is reeking havoc on my body but I am not ready to stop. And I am constantly fighting the urge to cut all the time.
Tomorrow I have to force myself to go to class and go to the mall to find a dress for my fat body for our university formal dance. Our theme is James Bond. I'll be sure to post a picture of my dress. I'm sure it will take me hours to decide on a dress. I am going with my best friend which I love but its hard for me because she also suffers from an eating disorder but she is VERY thin and I just wish I looked like her. Of course it kills me to see her suffer from being that thin because I know what its like but I wish I was back there.
Right now I am not in a good mood at all, I feel like screaming and cutting into my skin and doing sit up till I cry but I can't because my roommate is here and I don't want to trigger her with exercise, I'm sick and I obviously don't cut in front of others. I just want to cry, but I can't. I want to go hug and be loved my someone special but I can't. I'm alone and I hate me and its a stuggle and so I am writing and trying to distract myself.

Psychiatric

So I am feeling nervous. Tomorrow I have a psychiatric appointment. My therapist wrote a letter for me to take with me. They are going to decide what kind of medication I need and what my final officail diagnosies will be. I'm nervous because I don't really know what to say. I've warmed up to my therapist and that took a very long time, and now I have to spill all this stuff to someone else. This will be person number 5 on my care team list 1. Therapist 2. Nutritionist 3.Don 4.RLC and now 5.Psychiatrist. I am not use to having so many people know my shit and I still feel like they just don't get it and it is so hard for me to explain with words. I'm getting a full psych evaluation tomorrow. I will keep you updated about how it goes.

In other news; I'm trying to keep busy so I don't go completely out of my mind, I'm volunteering for our University open house, I've ran some house events and I've actually been doing my school work. I even have an A in Theater.

I weighed myself while I was at home this weekend. I am 136lbs... and at 5'8'' I am very fat to me. My goal right now is 125lbs. So I need to start hitting up the gym again and restricting and since I'm nowhere near my danger weight like when I was 16 (105lbs) everyone of my care team members thinks it is a okay to exercise. I feel like I can get away with anything, now just to find the motivation in all the self hate I have.
Recent me photographs

everything hurts too much
I destroy everything I touch
I can't do this anymore
I don't know who I am

I wonder

Do you ever wonder:
What life would be like
If you could appriciate all the beauty in you life
Life the leaves on the trees, people doing wonderful things, water droplets, snow filled nights.
If you weren't scared of change or getting to know people and letting them in.
That the good things in your life could be viewed as good and you weren't afraid they would be taken away
If you could enjoy eating food and not be afraid of looking the in mirror.
If you could exersice just for feeling good and only have postitive thought
If you woke up one morning without feelings of darkness and fear
If waking up ment you got to enjoy the day
If you weren't afraid of not being good enough and like there were people who loved you
If you could wake up and love your self
Do you ever wonder?
I wonder.
I wish.
I'm so tired.
I wish I didn't have thoughts like "I'm so tired of all this I could just end it"
Sometimes I think I've been sick for so long that it has become more of me that I am of myself.

I wish I was a cat

Things I have to do
- Psychology Exam Monday
- Astro Biology Exam Thursday
- Acting Journal Due Monday
- Acting assignment Monday
- online science quiz due midnight tomorrow
- four online psychology quizzes due midnight monday
- Essay Due 27th

Time I have - zero
Things I want to do - zero
Mental state - bad
I wish I was a cat

people tire of me easily. I'm too intense. Talk too much. Feel too much. I think I will just isolate for a while. It will be long sleeve days for a while as well.

I'm just a speck

I thought I was doing alot better.
I had support with therapy and my RCL and my don and I was being more social and eating better and going to the gym.
I still hated what I saw in the mirror and I still had bad thoughts but I was coping with them.
I was just pretending to be what everyone thought was good for me. I don't suggest you do this.
I haven't changed.
The bad thoughts just come creeping back stronger and you hate yourself more than what you started with.
I am confused about life and what it brings, everything can go ok for a while but the same shit just keeps hitting me and things fall apart and you lose things you lose things and then you look around and everything is gone and you are all alone. Alone. I'm alone.
We are just a speck in the universe and one day even the universe will die out, every single star will run out of hydrogen and burn out and things will collapse into black holes and between the black holes will be nothing but darkness, ever expanding but there will be no more matter to create new things. Everything that started the universe will be gone, forever dark.
Eventually life will run out of things to give me happiness and hope and I will collapse upon myself.
I feel unimportant, I will never be the most important thing to anyone and never to myself.
I was excited to have my own apartment next year but I couldn't find a job so I'll be in residence again. I'm so in debt and I can't even do really well in school, I have no motivation what have I become, nothing to be proud of.
I just want to stop talking, stop thinking.
The world hurts, people hurt me by being mean or leaving, people hurt me when I care so much about them about their pain and I can't do anything about it.
I have to much hope to just die even though I think about it and I don't have enough hope to make myself happy and better.
I'm just a speck.