cozy

horrible day.
so fat.
liquid fast starting tomorrow.
new sweater.

cigs scared running

have you ever felt so depressed that you just wanted to scream and cry and curl up into a ball but can't?
I feel the ugliest and most horrible I have in a long while.
I'm binging and purging, cutting, smoking cigs and stuff, Im drinking and running till I faint.
I want to runaway I feel like I need to get away
I feel like I'm done - I just want to die.
I just want to be done.
+my throat hurts like a bitch, my first period teacher hates me for missing school. arrrgg.
I'm sorry - my posts are probably such a bother.

I wrote a poem on the back of a maths sheet about vectors and displacement threories.

Twist and turn my soul
Split into two
Apart for me
And apart for you
Hold it together
Likes sticks and glue
The part for me 
Bursts into a few
You take it away 
And use it as you do

We are the Change

you are all amazing followers <3

I went to We Day today and it was so inspirational and amazing! ~ I want to go to Kenya or India to help build a school - ofcourse its like crazy ass expensive so yay fundraising.

I need a smoke so bad right now ~goes to get smoke~

I'm fighting so hard to get out of bed still - so so very hard - suicidal thoughts frequently - I'm just hoping I don't get another blow of more depression.

I hope everyone is well.

my friend took this picture of me today - it would be lovely if my face wasn't fat.. or it wasn't me.

last night

last night was a drunken stoned depressing mess.
I drank a shit load - I smoked some weed - and I was depressed
My mother is impossible to live with - I'm leaving soon.
I have some really bad cuts on my wrist.
I want to stay in bed and never get out.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
I am going to all the first period classes tomorrow to talk about our thanksgiving fundraiser.

I'm so tired of being alive.

rubbish

today was pure rubbish.
I'm a fat ass. I'm a horrible person. my mother can't love me.
Why is it so insanely impossible to love myself? oh ya because I'm shit.
So I'm pretty sure my mom fractured my wrist. I'm going to hospital tomorrow to get it looked at.
My mother is talking about moving back to Birmingham. Its lovely but I have a life here.
I'm depressed - I want to cut. I had three smokes today.
I just don't think I should be on this planet.

University visit today was awesome!! I lovveee the program. DANCE <3
anyways I had a good day - worked over my lunch on our social justice club - painted a sign for the new thanksgiving campaign :)
I hope everyone is having  a good day :)

raise up

Writers Craft is INSANE!! I love writing but it feels like we aren't doing the creative aspect of it. I hope it gets better. For now I have a gazzilion hours of homework.
I also have a politics essay due tomorrow about the political spectrum.
I joined a social justice group at my school called Me to We and I am excited about that.
Tomorrow is Spirit Day so YAY no uniforms.
I am absolutley exaughsted today.
I also woke up this morning depressed more so than usual so I grabed my laptop to come on blogger and read this post about coping with sadness and it helped me SO much that I actually got out of bed.
Today I binged. ughhhhh. But I have been good lateley - following the rules.
Anyway I'm going to sleep :)
night lovelys

Despise Dentist

I so do not want to go to the dentist :( my teeth get cavities really easy - genetics. I have to get three fillings today. I hate hate hate the dentist.
So anyway - today was a boring day at school - nothing special - got a few assignments - nothing hard.
Welcome 22nd follower :)
I am sooo tired right now I just want to nap but Ican't because my dentist appointment is in like 30 minutes D:
I shall nap when I get home.
I'm going to do some arts and crafts later :)
I will post some pictues when I am finished.
I hope everyone is having a good day today!

rainy rain

I went to school and actually enjoyed class - politics. It makes me happy for a few reasons. - the teacher is awesome - I'm interested and I have a friend it that class. 

I also lifted my spirits today by watching my favorite youtuber/blogger Check her out :) 

http://www.youtube.com/user/kandeejohnson?blend=1&ob=5

and her personal channel 

http://www.youtube.com/user/thekandeejohnsonshow

annnyyway yes watch and smile :) 

so what else have I done today - nothing because it is raining and my hot glue gun is at my dads -.-' I wonder if he'll bring it to me. 

I ate part of a smile cookie today and burned it off. 

my head is going crazy. 

sick

so last I didn't go to school because I just couldn't get myself out of bed. Now that I am making myself get out of bed and go to school I end up sleeping late and missing my first class that I had a test in! PLUS I feel like rubbish! I have a very sore throat and stuffy nose. great. lovely.
I hope everyone has a lovely day.
I am going to get dressed and put a face on and track down some tea for my throat.

I have 21 followers =D hello new follower!! teehee

anyways today I went to the fair and it was so much fun actually.
I ended up giving this really hot Australian man my number - i reeeallllyy hope he  calls me :)
anyway I am sooo tired because I had to walk back from the fair. it took like an hour and a half.
I burnt calories though.

Goodnight blogers :)

nothing of nothingness

I didn't not go to school Wednesday or today - nor will I tomorrow. I just can't. I'll catch up. Its no big deal really. This school year is a "whatever" year because I'm only going because I need to be enrolled in a school to get into a university dance program I have the grades for.
That and I just can't get out of bed.
Whatever.
I cut today.
I ate today. Not a whole lot though.
I actually need to get caught up in my writers craft course.
I just have no interest in doing anything, thanks depression.
I'm going to the fair on Saturday.
blah.
I think I'll go watch a movie.

YAY today today

I HAVE MY LAPTOP BACK! I CAN COMMENT AGAIN!
and not go crazy over fusteration of my old clunker computer. SO HAPPY about that anyway.
might go to the fair tomorrow. I feel to fat for the fair. Got new pants - size 3.
Taking a few days off school - I don't feel well + need the mental health day.
took the day off today because my best friend was having a horrid day so we did fun things - photoshoot, tv ect. watched america's next top model.
Was sitting with my friend and other guy friend and we were tumblring and these cutting pictures came up and my friend goes on about how sad it is how they know people who have done it and the same about eating disorders - the thing is I am soo good at hiding my cutting and depression and eating disorder and at that very moment I wanted to cry and scream out - me I do that I've done that for so long. But I can't.
Got into the online Writers Craft course I wanted - yay. must catch up in the class now.

picture time - my friend took this of me today. my arms look huge.

Right now I'm actually hungry and want to eat something. But I can't. I'm afraid. I want KD. But no. Also since I'm on 24hours fasting now I feel that hunger high. I feel like if I eat something "not safe" I will make my self throw up. After I reported bindging last night I binged again and made myself throw up. Usually I don't throw up. When I was full blown anorexic I would throw up only sweets if I had caved to them. Now I feel like I want to go for a run. But honestly I am too tired. I stayed up last night all night and came home today at 11:30 and slept till 7 so naturally I'm up again all night tonight - and now its too early in the morning to go to bed before school. If I don't sleep I also feel hunger more. great. I have to go to my Dad's house today and eating there is like military procedure - you eat whats in front of you. I'm going to cry and I know it. And we eat together so hiding things is crazy hard. When I was about 100 pounds January 2010 I would sit at the table with him and put food in my pockets and wipe some into my hair and wear baggy clothes to hide some in there. Ofcourse I don't know if he'd notice now..
I hope today just goes by fast because I'm tired. I just want to sleep for a while.

Thanks you and such

I want to start with a big thank you to Lily. - You comment almost daily and I just want to say thank you because it really means alot to me that you take the time. so thank you :) - I'm always reading your blog :) and soon when I get my laptop I will be able to comment. Thanks for being awesomely you :)

  In other new (heehee I get such a kick out of saying that). I am exaughsted - I had quite a bit of politics homework. My job interview went well and I should hear in a week or so. I had a large double double coffee 74cals today. And sat with two cheese sandwhiches with mayo infront of me for a good hour before hiding and tossing them into the bushes behind my house.

Tomorrow I have a busy day - I have school then a guidance appointment for a new class and I have to go to the bank and pick dance classes at a new studio. and get to my dads house at some point.

right now I really want to run away from my mothers place being shes crazy and drunk like everynight.

this picture of my face amuses me - i can pick 20 things i utterly dislike.

sloppy sad sunday

I was supose to get my laptop back today. I didn't.
I was supose to go out today. I didn't
I was supose to feel good today. I didn't
I wasn't supose to eat today. I did.
fucking binge. I tried to throw up and just got about half out and thats all my body could handle.

I'm looking at University Dance programs out of the province and even out of the country.
know any good dance programs in a University near you? let me know.

I didn't count my calories today.
I feel sick.
School tomorrow is optional for me. I don't want to deal with the people in my cooking class- I do however want to go to politics so I'm going to go to that one. One class tomorrow.

Cleaned my room finally - I like it clean- my mothers comment "Its fine but.." thats her favorite line.

So I guess today wasn't soooo horrible like world horrible but it wasn't the best.

I cut. surprise. not.

Today was also the 9/11 10years. Im not american but I do have an apreciation and sadness for everyone who was involved. helped. and died. Its horribly sad. Canada hasn't had anything like that and my heart goes out to anyone who has experienced anything like it.

I'm starting to add pictures to every post like on my old blog. Also hoping for more readers :)

Hey Again Saturday ;)

I'm posting again so soon xD
I was just in the kitchen cutting up carrots broclli tomatos and lettus and my mom was like ohhh here and wraps them in pita wraps and sour cream -.-' so I cut up more to eat by itself and eat one of my mothers wrap and hide and threw away the other - I haven't hid food in awhile but I guess old habbits come back easy. My mom won't ever notice anyway - lets just say she didn't notice when I was below 100pounds and when I had to be hospitalized she convinced her self it was "a phase". And she noticed I cut and its been 7years I've been doing it -.-'
Anyway my Dad is coming to get me now to go job hunting.
Speaking of job hunting I got interviewed yesterday for a job at Dairy Queen the position isn't for another few weeks but they said I looked promising. I also have a huge interview for a paid internship at the hospital for a medical assistant and x-ray assistant.

weekend wonders

I don't know about you guys but I have that one food that just gets to me; mine is cheese - I love it and I should give it up because it is so high in calorie.

Friday

large coffee 74cals
Coca-Cola  110cals
Cheese Sandwhich 300cal
Spagetti with sauce and cheese 501cal
total: 985cals

I didnt really exersice at all - I walked for a bit.

I seem to have on off day - I ate yesterday and hated everybite and cried once. And now its 531pm on Saturday and I haven't had anything.
I also cut again last night because me and my ex boyfriend actually talked and he said some really cruel things which remined me of how hurtful he was during the whole relationship but whole attatched I was to him. Plus my mom is up to the usual.
I've decided to post a pic of me today.
my arm is huge so I'm going to stop doing push ups and my legs...lets not go there.

yay calorie app

Its finally friday!
I am going to a foot ball game tonight!
I now have a calorie counter app on my black berry and I love it.

Thursday
1 large regular Tim Hortan's coffee   74cal
I can of barqs root beer     160 cal
1.76 cup of Vegetable Soup low sodium made with water 98 cal
total 332cal

walking: 471 kcal
situps 79 kcal
sleeping+resting 1200 kcal
total 1768kcal

net: -1436

today!

So I've survived the first two days of school! I have cooking and my teacher is nuts but slowly growing on me - we only cook once a week and do seat work the rest of the week- its only a collage based class so I am super bored most of the class because I finish my work alot quicker than most of the kids. My politics class is amazing and I love the teacher! I don't have histories anymore because it got changed to a time that conflicts my schedual so I have to wait a week for a new class to take - I'm hoping they have room in writers craft.
Anyway - I ate exactly 800 calories today - I have to up my calorie intake somewhat today because I had to run with my friend.
As promised a picture of my in my uniform xD I wear the kilt and larger sweater and have gotten away with non school regulated tights. sometimes I wear this knit sweater with the crest on it - its my favorite but I didnt take a picture of me in it.

have a goodnight lovlies :)

goodbye summer

i accidently posted this on my other blog - so if you read both sorry :P
passing out in mac donalds was an ironic situation. I went with my friends (I only ever get drinks at mac donalds) and I was standing in line with them when the room kinda got blurry then well I woke up -.-'
Ofcourse in my 120 pound body (yes i've lost 4 pounds) no one would suspect me of not eating so I "was coming down with something" - thus I got free juice.
I don't recommend running and not eating since lunch the previous day -.-'

School starts in exactly 5 hours and I've decided to make the best out of my victory lap.

I went job hunting today so hopefully I get a call!

Also - starving is addictive - cutting is addictive and both my parents struggle with alchoholism so I have a very addictive personalitly - my new thing is scratch cards - all though I've only spent 8dollars on two of them and am just playing off of my winnings I can feel that "rush" and am watching myself carefully.

I have also successfully located a long sleeve knit sweater uniform piece for school - not too hot to wear this time of year so no one will question why I am wearing it (yes I am hiding cuts).
and for some reason I think it will be fun to post a picture of me in my uniform tomorrow - weird me.

tomorrow starts the first day of my new regiem.
I have a work out plan and an eating plan of 400 cals.
Im excited.
I start school in five days - not so exciting
I have cooking [i love to cook so yay excited]
I also have Politics and World Histories [ they might be interesting]

the next semster is my favorite though
Fitness, Dance and Fashion =D

have a goodnight lovlies~