Today was actually an okay day. this does not happen very often.
I woke up a little after noon hour, I went on the computer and then my friend came over for a bit. Then I went to my friends house for their family night (their family really likes having me over). We watched wedding shows and such. I ate fruit today and some dinner.
Thats all I really did and that was okay.
Things I should have done today however; - Study for my politics exam monday, -go to my fathers, -send in my supplementary audition form for dance university program as I don't have many days left.
obviously I procrastinate.

my friend got some of my modelling photos to me. here you go

trapped

                                                     [yes this is me in my fat legged glory]
I'm trapped and I can't find a way out.
This life seems like its going to mount to nothing.
I'm useless and fat.
I'm going to go eat myself into a candy sugar enduced coma now and then go on the eliptical for like four hours and still be fat.
I just want to die.

some random light at the end of the tunnel- I got booked for a chanel gala charity fashion show. No pay but it might help get my foot in the door. They probably won't like me because I'm to fat to be a model. Measurements are this sunday.

[just smiling through the devastation inside]

anywhere but here

     There is so much that I want that I can't have here. I want to be such unrealistic things; I want to be a model and actress and dancer. Why did I have to want to be something so unattainable from my town, plus I am not pretty enough.
    I want to move back to the UK, I don't remember it but I have more family there, maybe I could start over there. If I ever have the opportunity to move back I will because I would be all set, I wouldn't even have to worry about any citizen stuff because I am one - yay for living in two countries.

anyway enough of my longing for something that isn't here. I have to go to school tomorrow and ofcourse I am awake at two in the morning - like wide awake. My sleep pattern is fucked.

I think I am going to go eat something and throw it up because I'm just that fucked up and I feel like I'm being "told" to, you know? like its either don't eat or "since you have no will power and will eat you HAVE to throw it up"

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "IM DEPRESSED, I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE, HELP ME, FIX ME."  but no one is listening and I couldn't do it anyway. it's never going to go away. I was born this way - no gaga reference intended.
picture for today? I don't even know if I like it and my face isn't even in it.

My presentation went pretty well thank goodness!
I didn't go to school the next day though because I slept in then just said fuck it and slept for the rest of the day.
my friggen laptop has overheated and eaten three cords and is about to get through another- i honestly need a new laptop all together.
I'm stuck at my dads alll weekend so I am going to be extremely bored.
I don't have much else to write about.
stay strong beautifuls <3

rollercoaster day and a flashback

Today was a huge roller coaster.
In the beginning it was bad; I was nervous about my presentation and my stomach hurt really badly. I was called down to the office over the PA system and decided to ignore it.
It got better when we ran out of time for me to present so I get to go today, and then I went home and my stomach started to feel better and I got a letter in the mail - it was from a international poetry contest I had entered and it turns out that I am a semi-finalist in the competition and my poem is going to be published. I was extremely excited and so was my dad. Then I rewarded myself with a nap; I woke up a few hours later to my mother screaming about the mess of the house and more hating me. She didn't care about my poem.
The day got better again when I went to my friends house for a bit.
Then the day got much worse, my mother woke up around 1am and my friends were over - she kicked us out and I didn't get out of the house until she came down - she started screaming at me about my father telling her she was nuts and she was saying how I am a horrible daughter which escaled in her pushing me down and kicking me once or twice - so I booked it out of the house, and the thought crossed my mind that my mothers eyes were extremly dialiated so I think shes on drugs - again, and shes already an alchoholic.
need less to say its 5am and I am still up and I present today and I'm going to movie today so no nap time. ugghhh.  and I cut tonight.

I feel like giving you guys a flash back to me a few years ago. I was sicker than I am now though. I wore baggy  clothes a lot and wanted nothing more than to weigh nothing - I need to get back to a tiny size.

crazy day head spinning

I've had quite the day. I didn't go to school (big surprise huh) but I went to my friends house later in the day after a huge fight with my mom that resulted in her trashing my room and going around the house saying she wish she could have aborted me.
and at my friends house my friend keeled over in pain in her side and I had to take her to the emergency room; now thank god for our free health care and all but we have the longest waiting room times known to man - after being looked at by a nurse me and my friend had to wait in the emergency waiting for from 5 hours!! and then we got in to see a doctor and had to wait another hour and a half to get results back only for her to be given a shot of pain medication and told to come back for more testing tomorrow. They think something is wrong with her reproductive track so she broke down crying which made me cry and we were both so tired we cried harder. So we got back at about 3in the morning.
Now you think thats all right? WRONG. I have to present a project tomorrow on the ownership of the arctic and I only just finished my slide show and now its too late to go to bed and I feel like I'm dying.
lovely huh.
and to make it all a little ironic - I almost passed out from not eating today and barely eating anything yesterday so I bought some food to be sane for my friend and it came to 6 dollars and 66 cents.
I'm going to look like shit giving my presentation tomorrow but oh well.
I hope everyone had a much better day than me :)

oh and with that guy- he never showed up to talk to me - lied to my friends face about not knowing I wanted to talk to him and he got a girlfriend the other day - whom he had gone out with before but cheated on though she doesnt seem to care. So I'm done with him - he is no longer going to have any effect on my life.
I can not wait till I get home tomorrow so I can take a nap.

stuck but falling

like a wall that keeps out the happiness
If the wall is up long enough you begin to wonder
Does happiness even exist

I'm so tired; sleepy tired and life tired.

Tomorrow is going to be shitty. I have to talk to the boy to get him to shut the fuck up, I also want him to say to my face that it ment nothing to him. If I break I break.

I hope all you lovelies have a much better day <3

drama and fruitcakes

I handed in my project yesterday yay. I make a 15 minute presentation on Wednesday about the ownership of the Arctic [how interesting huh...]
Friday had good bits and bad one, most bad though, that guy I was telling you about [the one I slept with] is still going around telling people and then he told someone who knows me and she came to me and said exactly what he said and so he is saying that us sleeping together ment nothing to him and that it was annoying that I liked him so much and he just wanted to sleep with me for no reason. I FUCKING HATE HIM. There are a bunch of my friends who just want to kick the shit out of him and he knows it. I was going to talk to him but its like he dropped of the planet. I broke down in school because what he said hurt so bad because it ment alot to me to be with him. ugh.

my friday included; not eating, drama shit, booze.

Today however is a better day, I got to go to the mall and my dad is actually being nice for once and I got salad and fruit. 

I hope everyone is having a lovely day! 

want sleep

I'm starting to feel better and I have to go to school tomorrow.
The one night I wanted to go to bed early because I was tired I have this massive politics project due tomorrow.
I have written 8 political article summaries for my current events portfolio and I have two more to write which will probably take an hour. Sadly it has reached the point that if I go to sleep I will not wake up in time -.-' fail.
I should not have procrastinated and then I got sick and completely forgot that this project exsited.
The last two weeks before exams are always the most crazy.

I hope everyone is well.

I actually worked out today since I was feeling better. . . well better enough.

update --------------------------------------------------------
4,500 words later, 21 pages. I am finished this project. running on empty but glad it is done. question is - should I sleep for three hours and hope to wake up?

sick

I can not express how much I love every single one of you <3
I'm saying fuck you to highschool and forgetting about the people who don't like me for who I am.

In other news - I am still sick - its getting worse - I couldn't even go to school today. Medicine is barely working. I have having a super poor immune system. I hope this doesn't turn into pneumonia.

I haven't gotten out of bed today but I guess the good thing about that is that I haven't eaten anything today.

I will comment on blogs later but right now even typing it hard so I'm going to go back to sleep.

lots of love lovelies <3

fucktoday

today was a shitty beyond shitty day. like super over the top shitty.
I HATE highschool - I should not have come back for an extra year to better my education. nope.
highschool drama is discusting. apperently I am a lying slut who deserves to be hated. and you know WHY? because I slept with someone who I thought really liked me DRUNK at a party - I made a mistake and the guy I slept with told everyone he felt like - I told noone because I wanted to keep it private - and according to my ex boyfriend this means I'm a liar since I didn't tell him, we were broken up a good 3 months when I slept with this guy so why should I tell him. So all that pretty much went BOOM today. UGH.
plus my parents are idiot and you get the idea.
tonight I should have been at dance to get these emotions out but NO because dance was taken away from me. I couldn't dance in my basement because my mom didn't want me there. SO I fucking cut.
fuckfuckfuckfuck
and you know what hilarious IM A FUCKING FAT COW. I'm 130 pounds! EW BARF I am at one of my highest weights and I keep fucking eating. IM STUPID.
I need to restrict and exersice.

that is all.
tomorrow I have tap at school at least.

love you all - hope you had a better day than I

update and sick

I've been distant. I haven't commented on blogs but no worries - i am reading <3

I've self harmed alot lately - funny thing is I think its keeping me alive.

I bought a new dance leotard for my uni audition - it'll come in the mail in 15 days.

I am sooooooo sick  - horrid cold at the moment. sore throat, fever, stuffy/runny nose. blaahhh

and i think i atttract misery and people who want to open up to me - two people told me they dont see the point in living today and one person said they hated themselves - i tried my best to help but I am such a hiprocrite. and honestly its a trigger to me - these people are so wonderful and im shit -  i should be dead and they shouldnt want to die - i want them to be happy.

i need some sleep now

be strong lovlies - i love yo all

plans and thanks

thank you everyone for your supportive comments <3 they really helped.
each and everyone of you is right - I can't let my passion die - I have created a plan, I sent in my applications for the dance program at university. And I  am going to try my best to dance at home in my basement.

Also since I am not dancing 5 days a week I need something else to put myself into - I sent in my audition resume for a new TV series so hopefully i get an audition.
Also I have been contacted by to photographers to do some modelling.
hopefully one of these things picks up and I won't go bonkers.

Last night my mother was in a horrible mood and yelled at me all night telling me I am a waste of space that will never succeed. You think hearing that all my life it would get easier to ignore over the years. It doesn't.

That bottle of coedine has moved from the bathroom cabinet into my bedroom dresser door. its still in my mind.

on an other note -  I haven't eaten all day.

thank you everyone for supporting me -  i honestly need it right now.
I don't feel like talking much.
my dad would not budge at all about dance; i no longer have dance classes - my heart is broken. I even told him I didnt think i could stay alive with out them and he didnt care. money and vacation is more important to him.

life sucks
family sucks
I am alone in my life
except for you lovlies <3

he took everything I had

My father took away my dance lessons. All of them. I am a mess. I can't go on with out my dance, dance is my sanity. Dance is my future. Dance is all I ever want to do with my life. I had to fight so hard to be allowed to dance this year and now he's taking it all away. and you know why he has decided that I no longer get to do the one thing I love ? because he would rather go on vacation to Las vegas. He is a stupid fucking idiot and I never want to speak to him again. I'm going over to his house today to see if I can talk him into giving me my dance back because I will die without it, I won't get into the university program I want without it and I won't be able to compete without going to my studio.My whole life will be over. And honestly I have a whole bottle of codeine just waiting for me. I can slip out of this world in a numb stance; swallow a bunch of pills and slit my wrists. Then I'll be at peace.
But first I must fight for my dance.
I broke down so horribly after finding this out yesterday that I went into a kind of psychosis and my friend picked me up; put me in her car and made me stay at her place last night. It helped and I got lots of love from her two dogs but honestly I just can't take my family bullshit anymore. I feel like I have no control over my life; nothing is going my way and I'm sick and tired of living like this.

my father doesn't realize he took my whole heart.

new years stuff and ramblings

This could potentially be a long post - just a warning ;)

First off - happy new year. I didn't make a new years resolution and I never really have, I mean in school we use to have to make one up but I never did it or it was something that didn't really matter. I suppose if this was like school and I HAD to make one it would be to find love? I don't know - I'm feeling lonely and I have no one I'm interested in that I'd even have a shot with. I'm to fucked up to be in a relationship anyway I suppose.

My new years was actually okay; besides all my friends being significantly trashed as fuck and me having to do all the taking care of. I enjoyed fireworks and some entertainment.

My best friend is no longer allowed to sleepover at my house anymore because my mom rented the spare room in our home to her boyfriend and her parents think that it is inappropriate for her to be sleeping over now. It really sucks, and shes usually a barrier for me and my mum to not fight. ugh.

I feel like I had much more to say before I actually started writing. hmm. lets give some random tid-bits shall we?
- I have to go to my dad's house tomorrow or the next day to apply for school
-I have to get flooring in the basement for my dance room
- I have a headache right now and I think I might be getting sick
-My hands are fucking freezing.
-I am almost done a book called 'cut' and I'm in love with it
-I have one more week of holiday vacation
-I'm going to sell some of my stuff and can't decide between ebay and kijiji.
-I need to stay vlogging soon - I've been talking about it for a while.
-I found pills yesterday - that I had left over from a surgury. . . I never though pills would be my way out of this world but it crossed my mind the second I found them, ya I'm fucking
-I cut my face a few days ago - stupid.

I think thats it - maybe that post is pretty long - ha.

I hope everyone had a wonderful new years and now I'm off to read blogs <3 love you!

here is a pic from my newyears!