searching finding throwing away

oh what to write about today.
I slept a normal human eight hours through the night - thank you organic help me sleep tea! I really need to invest in more of that.
In school, in my one class we watched a CNN documentary about "The Secret County - North Korea" it was honestly really eye opening to the crazyness of that communist country and of course all the video footage they showed was taken on a cell phone that was smuggled in and out - owning a cell phone in North Korea is punishable by death. - anyways sorry for the political lesson xD

Dance was soooo tiring - I had my hardest night tonight - classical ballet was good and all just super strenuous and then pointe was insane - it was an hour and my toe nail half fell off and I had to keep on dancing :P oh the life of a dance.
One more thing that happened to me today - I saw an add posted at school today - Its a place called Hopes Garden - an eating disorder support place - it crossed my mind to go. I don't even know why, I don't want to recover - I'm not ready. but it still crossed my mind - I even looked into times - support meeting and they are free . . . ofcourse its at a time I have dance so I wouldn't go anyway but they do have drop in thingers to get info. and I also learnt that there are barley any actual treatment centers in my city. one only goes up to 17 so I guess Im too old for help there if I ever did want it.
but whatever - I deserve to suffer I think - I'm super discusting.

anyways - today I had oatmeal, chocolate milk, veggies and some flat bread. a pretty good day - no junk food binges.

Tomorrow I am putting my outfit together for a party on friday. and spending sometime with friends after dance.

Today one of my friends said I was looking skinnier- I don't see it. They asked if I was ok. I'm certainly not that skinny - I probably just looked skinny in my baggy sweater since my collar bones stick out.
maybe I'll post a pic tomorrow - let you guys give me some input.

I hope everyone had a great day - also if anyone could recommend some blogs to follow I'd love it :) I love to comment on all you lovelys

xx Sarah - lots of love

dance your heart out

I did good today - I went to school, I went to class, I sold tickets for a school event at all lunches - I modelled for a photography project for one of my friends. I went home and ate a veggie taco for dinner and then I went off to dance.
I also had tap after school - it was so fun but we worked our butts off.
Dance was really good tonight- ballet was just fun in a way and our dance is coming along very nicely for the Christmas show. Jazz was awesome; we are doing a dance to "all I want for Christmas is you" and its sooo cute and then we had tea time where we all sat around and drank tea.
I love how close our dance studio is.
Tomorrow I am to not speak all day - I am taking the Vow of Silence - it is to raise awareness for people and children in other countries that have their rights taken away - they cannot speak up about the injustice in their lives.
And now I am going to try and sleep.
I hope everyone had a lovely day
xx sarah

running spinning falling

Today I am surprised I got out of bed.
I can't bring myself to smile or anything.
I am going for a run before school today - I am a crap runner but maybe I'll get better.
I have the jitters or some thing - I don't know if its just me or what. It's like I shake or twitch or something. ha. too much caffine maybe.
Last night I must have had a nightmare or I still really hate myself while I sleep because I scratched my neck so bad my nail got fucked - I mean I have weak nails to begin with but holy fuck. - hopefully no one asks me about it.
Also last night I woke up at like 3am because my mom slammed the bathroom door - slamming doors ALWAYS wake me up because when I was younger my mom would always slam her bedroom door as she was leaving it to come and beat me. So I had a panic attack at 3am and to make it worse my mom came into my room to thankfully just yell at me about turning the heat up.

So shit morning. I'm in a rubbish mood. I get coffee for breakfast with a smoke and thats it for the day until soup at dinner.

I have modern tonight thankfully- dance helps.

Speaking of dance - my solo performances at done - but they want to refilm it on a better stage  because the first filming didnt come out like they wanted it to.

and I should have some pics shortly - this is one my friend took of me warming up - I love it.

I am going back to school today - I didn't go much last week so the teacher will probably yell at me today. Strangely I am doing well in the class.

I hope everyone has a smashing day
love sarah xx

dance solo

ABC day four - complete :) - lost two pounds.

So the first dance solo went really good tonight =] next show tomorrow. I am please and alot of people said I dance beautifully.

I finally have my laptop back which is nice because now I can sit in my rook xD

I am super tired so this post won't be long - I'll get around to commenting on everyones blogs sooner or later :P

I didn't go to school today yet again but whatever.

I hope everyone had a lovely day.

lots of love Sarah

tired, busy, sister

ABC day three; fucked up - fasting today nuff said on that matter.

dance photoshoot for today was cancelled - thats okay because I am super busy anyway.
Today I have to - reherse my dance for the shows, participate in a free the children presentation about clean water, attend a free the children workshop for three hours, go to dance class till 6 and then go home and practice my dance - then sleep.

its 5am - I am up so early because I can't sleep. I'll be starting this day off with an energy drink and tictacs.

I wish I could crawl into bed today and stay there but sadly I cannot. I never get out of bed for myself- I get out of bed if I have made a commitment to someone or something else. Today it is free the children, tomorrow is dance.

I have something exciting [to me] to share with you guys; my sister is coming for a visit on December 10th, I don't talk about my sister much and thats partly because she's never around; shes quite a bit older than me [I was never ment to be born - my parents are old haha.] and she's moved out and she dislikes our parents [as any sane person would] so she visits once or twice a year - usually in december since its christmas month- she doesn't usually visit on Christmas and certainlly won't this year considering she'll be in Australia. Anyways,  I'm excited to see her because she is one of my family members who I love unconditionally; I've always looked up to her; shes like that 'perfect' big sister - smart, sweet, dancer, swimmer, teacher, amazing in anything she sets her mind to; I wish to be half as good as her. Ofcourse its hard living up to her for my parents since she was the perfect child but its not her fault. I wish she was around more often; when I was younger I would pray that she would take me away from the evils of my home and mother me but I never had the heart to tell her all the goings ons because the time that I do get with her is limited and I want it to be happy. and this visit I have a plan - I plan to be smaller; fragile; maybe she'll notice. so I have 16 days to lose a shitton of weight - I'm going to be working really hard.
This is my sister and I a loonnngg time ago [5years?] at my grade 8 grade [ignore the yuckyness that I am]

again I wrote alot so I'm sorry if I bored you :)

have an awesome day lovelys and I hope some of your strength will be with me as I get through this tiring day as I am starting off all ready tired.

xx Sarah

burning the candle at both ends

ABC day two 500 cals; success with 490cals - no weight loss so far.

in other news; Im still sick obviously.

I'm dying my hair bleach blonde probably sunday.

I'm super busy with dance. I have dance practice monday - thursday with week - tomorrow morning I have dance solo rehersals - Friday and Saturday I am performing a solo pointe piece called rise of the phoenix - If its taped i'll post it on here.

I'm doing dance photo shoot on Thursday.

busy busy busy - but I like busy alot.

now i am going to go to bed :)

I hope everyone is having a strong day <3

this is horrible

ABC day 1: 500 cals. I had less I had 300 cals today.

being sick makes it a lot easier to not eat but I hate being sick. I can't function.
I didn't even get to hand that project in today because I could not walk to school.
Today has been absolute rubbish. My parents were fighting about me and then at me, my Dad wants money - I have non to give him -  my mom is a right bitch and said she wants nothing to do with dance or me and that I'm a burrden she wishes she had aborted.

I was going to make low fat hot chocolate and there was none and I burst out into tears.

Plus for being sick - my period ended early.

I really need to go see my physio therapist because my hip injury is acting up. I cannot afford to have permanently damaged something because dance is all I have.

I hope everyones day was better than mine <3
I am trying not to cut so I really hope I don't even though I realllly want to,

sick again; late night project

I am so sick. again!
ugghhhhhhhh
stuffy nose, sore throat, head ache, dizzy, fever.
and do you know what I am doing? a project that is due tomorrow.
It has to be done.
Today was ok. ABC will have to wait till tomorrow - I had to have a sit down dinner with my friends family.
So I am starting tomorrow. like I said. wow. . .  sorry.
Today I saw a friend I have not seen in a while - we walked to the mall - it was cold and probably did not help my cold. I bought some make up.
I bought a scratch card - I lost.
Other than that nothing really went on today.
Tomorrow I have to get this project into my politics teacher - its going to be half assed but its going to be done. Then I am going home to sleep until I need to leave for dance. I have dance class then I am going to go home to bed.
I wish I could sleep now - The second half of my project is waiting for me. I must go.
I hope everyone had a wonderous homework free day.
I'll comment on blogs tomorrow.
and I'm off
love; Sarah xx

binge explosion, new day, new coat

stupid stupid stupid I'm so stupid. I binged like hard core binge - for me anyway. I hadn't eaten in a day and a half and I felt fine; then my friends asked me to go out - we went to mac donalds - usually I'm good at avoiding Mac Donalds but for some reason this time I went nuts - I'm going to feel discusting sharing this with everyone but here is the intake:
One Junior Chicken - 380cals
One crispy chicken snack wrap - 290cals
One medium fry- 360cals
One medium coke- 220cals
Total - 1250cals

HOLY EW ARGGG
and I didn't even have time to throw it up.

so today is a new day - today I am starting the ABC diet - I am usualy so AGAINST these little diets but I need something to tell me what is allowed - I need a little structure - and its hard to explain - its like as I was crying last night affter my binge something snapped like I HAVE to do this.

I also went on a run, I suck at running but I went anyway.

I'm trying to find a positive to this blog post for you guys . . . I got a new coat this weekend! I love it very much - here I'll post a picture :) . I did very much enjoy my shopping trip and I did enjoy my milky way and Quavers.
also I'm playing with the idea of going bleach blonde for a while. maybe it will be a weight loss reward.
today is my day to remind myself - It is a new day - everyday is new.
my coat :)

also I went out for coffee and this is what people at the coffee shop I go to do :) brightens up my day
you can also see my anti-bullying pledge pin in the corner - I took a pledge to help end bullying:)

coming and goings of today

I should be getting ready to go out with my two best friends right now but I feel like I don't look good in anything so I can't find anything to wear and that make up is a hassle even though I know I won't leave the house without it. The farthest I got was having a shower and brushing my teeth.

Today I am going to "The British Shop" in my city - oh Canada thank you for at least having a place were I can get things from my real home xD and honestly a few things I've learnt from England to Canada is that 1.The chocolate in Britain is the best thing ever! my grandpa use to work for Cadbury and bring home chocolate when I was very small, but by far my favourite chocolate bar is a Milky Way and I'm going to let my self have one today. 2.Crisps are better. 3. everything is better. but honestly my mom has written up a list of things for me to get - black pudding for her [personally I don't like it + I am a vegetarian] and tea xD.

I am also going to the mall today and I actually have money to spend - if I find anything I actually want to buy - feel confident enough to wear - I will take pictures to post for you guys.

Last night I didn't eat until 9pm - and I wouldn't have eaten at all if it wasn't for my friend -.-' but today is a new day - I have a plan. I'm going to work off that milky way but honestly I am going to try and enjoy it.

Monday I find out specifics about the music video I am going to be in [exciting!] and last night I got an email confirming I am a dance soloist for a show at a fair xD

my picture meaning of today - Its snowing where I live already - I miss the summer. and I really need more slouchy long sleeve tops.

anyways enough of my goings ons - have a great day everyone <3

love always
              Sarah xx

update

Dance makes it hard to update my blog every single day but boy do I try!
I don't think I have lost any weight yet from cutting out foods and more dance but then again I haven't weighed myself - I don't look any different though.
There is this one girl in 5/6 of my dance classes and she is my thinspo - shes a little taller than me but sooo much thinner - such an amazing dance to.
I got my politics exam back - not as good as I wanted it to be Application: 24/24 Thinking and Inquiry: 15/17 and Communication 20/35 - communication is always my worst - I have never been able to spell - when I was little I use to write all my letters backwards and in the wrong spot - it took me a long time to conquer that.

When I go to dance classes I have late classes monday - wednesday so I stay at my Dad's at the night - my Dad has always made me feel uncomfortable and honestly he's really weird so its hard to stay there and my mom is so happy that I'm not home as often because she hates me being around - I wish I had my own place but since I dance four times a week sometimes five it is near impossible to find a job.

Anyways not much else to talk about except for the fact I nearly died in dance yesterday because I wore my sweater to hide my arms  - it was way too hot. Tonight cover up might do the trick.

Yesterday the social justice team put on something called a "mix it up" were different people sit at tables and meet new people - it was for our anti-bullying week. Since I have been so severly bullied through out my life I volunteered to spear head as one of the leaders - it was a great success. Tomorrow we are holding a big anti bullying assembly so hopefully that goes well.

I'm getting some dance pictures taken in the near future so I'll make sure to post some :)

I think I am going to have a lay down now until I need to leave for dance so big restful hugs!
Sarah xx

life update

I shouldn't drink.
I get to emotional.
I smashed a fucking beer bottle just to have something I could cut myself with. My arm looks like a massacre.
I spent most of Saturday throwing up - laying down and drinking water trying to remember what the fuck happen the night before. I really should not drink. I'm going to try and not drink. I mean this is going to sound twisted but I could be really drunk smashed that beer bottle and slit my wrists deep enough to bleed out and die and everyone around would be too drunk to do anything and thats NOT the part that bothers me - its that I won't really be aware of my own death. I'll have taken myself away from life with out any last sober thoughts and that bothers me. I am way to suicidal to drink.

On an other less depressing topic I hung out with friends tonight and went on a lovely 7k walk.

Tomorrow - well really in about four hours I'm still deciding wether or not to go to school for my one class. I like politics and I'm doing decently well but my attendance is rubbish because I don't actually HAVE to be in class nor do I need the class.

Later today I suppose - I have modern dance class tonight and I will take a nap before then.

In other more exciting news - I might be in a music video - which is super exciting - I've always fancied being an actress so I audition for things here and there and I finally got a call back. I also have a modelling shoot in the next two weeks - which is lovely because I really need the money - its implied nude but its for art and such - ya everyone has their opinions on that sort of thing but I am not against fine art implied nude - I AM against full on porn nudity and would never do something like that. So my week is super busy with dance from Monday - Thursday - I'm going to the mall with a friend friday.

This was a super long post but it seems like I have alot to talk about tonight haha. maybe I just talk more at 4:30 in the morning. what else is  there to talk about... ah yes, I am fasting to day - mondays are the easiest - i never have to eat breakfast or lunch but dinner is sometimes tricky - [unless of course im into my hiding food stages] but mondays i leave for dance late enough to say - I will grab something from Dads [my Dad lives close to the dance studio so I usually stay there when I dance] and when I get to my Dads I say "I ate at Moms" my parents rarely talk so it won't matter.

I think I'm done typing .... .... wait wait I forgot to mention I am printing out my poetry and thinking about sending it to some publishers - I really want to publish a poetry book :)

Honestly - I do have things I want to do in life even though I'm severely depressed, sometimes I think of it as my bucket list and sometimes I think it might save me one day.

On a last note - don't sit on your feet while tying long blog posts - you will get pins and needles and it will suck.

A prickly sore tired Sarah saying goodnight - good morning and sorry for the long read - have an amazing day <#

dance job breath

I am like twice the size of every person in my dance classes.
Today was shit. My friend  - same height 20 pounds lighter naturally thin was talking about feeling fat and needing to work out so badly. What am I? god-freaking-zilla.It hurts really bad. She is one of the bestest friends I've ever had though - Im just in a rotten mood today

he just makes me feel like a piece of shit like im stupid and worthless how did we ever date - oh ya I loved him

On a positive note I love being back in dance for the dance.

I want to be 100 pounds - 110 by Christmas - I don't know if I want to make it to Christmas

I have to learn a two minute dance for next thursday for contemporary class and I have to learn it off a kinda crappy recording.
They put me in too easy classes so I had to get my time table changed.
Now I have:

Monday - Modern advanced 8:45 - 10
Tuesday- Contemporary Ballet Open Advanced Intensive 6-8 / Jazz open Advanced Intensive 8-9:45
Wednesday - Classical RID ballet [highest level] tech class - 6:15 - 7:30 / Pointe 7:30 - 8:45
Thursday - Contemporary (lyrical) Open Advanced Intensive 4:30 - 6

I dance four days a week with possible rehearsals fridays. The three days  I do have off I need to get a job.

I'm also fasting for the next three days. minus tomorrow nights drinking at a party.

I hope everyone is lovely - I'm still going to post often even if I'm doing it from the dance studio :)

dance

failed on my liquid fast today - but I'm just veggie fasting from now on because I start dance classes tomorrow.
I am super excited to start dance again :)
my dance times:
monday
8:15 - modern

tuesday
      2:00:tap
5:15 - ballet
7:45 -lyrical
8:45 -jazz

wednesday
6:15 -ballet
7:15 -pointe

Its super exciting :)

I have my politics mid-term today and I think I did well.

I promised a weigh in but honestly I don't want to because I didn't complete the liquid fast.

Now I must find all my dance stuff :)

I hope every one had a great day.

teacup of pain

Today was fun - little kids are sooooo cute!
seeing their faces light up when santa arrived brightened my whole day
I hope every child suffers no pain.

My childhood was shit and it pains me to think any child could suffer like I did.

liquid fast day two - success - I'll weigh in tomorrow.

this is a pretty short post - I'm quite tired.

On a positive note - I think my cold is finally subsiding

I wrote this :

Tea cup of pain
Cracking down the rim
Rosie Roise
Shards of glass
Peeling back the plastic rap
Been this way for a while
It time to exhaust black bile

liquid fast day one

liquid fast day one: complete - success

I even worked out

I wish I was as skinny as my best friends - that is my goal so far.

If I loose 10 pounds I am going to get a new piercing :)

My dance tattoo got postponed thanks to my dad so now I have to wait even longer.

I cut today.

Tomorrow I am an assistant photographer and crew for The Childrens Hospital Fundraiser - I get to talk to the kids while they get santa photos - yes I am dressed up christmas-y  :P

breathing water in the air

here I am typing my post while coughing up a lung and realizing I am late to my friends house. Honestly I needed to take sometime right this very second to post because I feel like I might explode into a millions tears because I feel like I'm being crushed by a thousand bricks and with my cold on top of everything else I don't feel strong enough to hold them. I wish that when my close friends say things that are suppose to make me feel better actually did, I wish I believed them. I wish that I wasn't completely fucked in the head. I truly believe I was ment to leave this world.

sorry about the melancholy but even though I just got out of bed today has already been a long day.

On a brighter note the liquid fast is off to a good start.

cough twist die

I am still sick.
It sucks that I have an immune system deficiency sometimes because something like a simple cold turns into a three week chest cold/flu hopefully not pneumonia thing -.-'
My meds aren't doing anything usefully except for making me feel very drugged up. Sleeping is near impossible unless my meds knock me out.
I was thinking about just ODing on meds today . . . I really wanted to. I should have.
I really want to cut right now and I probably will.
Tomorrow I am going to politics class and a social justice meeting then home.
Friday I get a tattoo - I am getting Dance on the arch of my foot - I'll make sure to post a picture.
I like the thought that when I die I will take dance with me - I know morbid but I only ever feel alive when I dance.
I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow
hugs <3  your sarah

seriously!

I'm full on sick again ugghhh when will this end!!
My throat kills and the worse part is that its hard to breathe D: so I might have to go back to the doctors.
not cool.
I have tap today if I can make it all the way till the end of the day.