depersonilization

when I look at myself in the mirror I don't know who the person is
when I think about myself its like its not real
I don't know who I am
I don't feel human

I feel ill today.
I'm dizzy walking around.
I went to bed around 7:30am and woke up at 1:30pm.
I had a horrid dream about being in a case underwater with no gravity but this monster with no eyes and grey skin was chasing me and there was nothing I could go to fight it off - I was doomed. I woke up with a fright.

I'm freezing.

I was suppose to go to my dads yesterday - we haven't really talked in like three or four days and he doesn't seem like he wants to, as soon as you don't call him once he starts saying he doesn't love me and I'm not a good enough daughter.

It's new years tomorrow and I'm going out with friends - i have no money for booze but maybe my friends will share. I do quite enjoy the fireworks. I am sad that I do not have a newyears kiss but thats just me.

I think I am going to go have a nice hot bubble bath to keep warm - as well as my nerves having been off the chart for the past couple of days.

I have no plans for tonight thus far. Probably go to bed early.

Yesterday I slept until 8pm and then drank alot of pop - not diet - I'm gross. and failed my apparent fast with 250 calories of subway and some dark chocolate. I'm a failure. I'd like to say I'm going to fast again today but I am not. I will how ever try to keep eating to minimum. I threw up the other day and scratched my throat and it bled so I neednot be doing that for a while - if I can control that.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day. Stay strong beauties. xox

me and my friend are the same jean size. her comment was. "wow we are the same jean size so we can trade! the only difference is that you have love handles! ahha"

I think I died inside.

Hello fast for the rest of my winter break or as long as I can go.

reading sleeping

all lined up, pretty in a row
take them one by one because you feel so low
on and on until away you go


I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I feel like I have no sense of time.
I sleep all day and do whatever by night.
I almost passed out in walmart today.
I got some lovely things on boxing day shopping.
I don't go back to school until the eighth and I don't know what I am going to do till then.
I'm reading quite a bit - I love books. I'm going to be starting a book called Cut - it's by this person who writes about children she's fostered and their lives- this one is about a child/teen longing for a family and escape from her internal pain which she finds in cutting. There are like 5 books in the series.
My sister is having a wicked fun time in Australia right now. I'm glad.
I've got new years plans to get completely sloshed.
I really wanted to kill myself so badly over Christmas because of everything going to shit but your comments really helped me stay alive - the hope in me says thank you <3
Killing myself is a constant thought. Cutting myself is an action I do frequently. Eating is sparse unless I binge and purge. But I'm here and I love you guys.
here's one of my new outfits

christmas eve explostion

Im just going to copy and paste my rant from my facebook chat with someone. everything fucking sucks 


i made enough custard for me and my dad and he doesnt want any

i was sad

hes being mean

not doing anything christmasy

i don't want to watch what hes watching and now hes mad that i cooked because there are dirty dishes

and hes made im in my room on my laptop

its not like there is anything else to do

hes yelling now.

about dishes which i left to soak

his exact words "just what I wanted to do on god damn Christmas eve - clean your fucking British desert mess that I asked you to clean up and instead you left it hardening to the pot"

which i fucking didnt.

i fucking hate christmas here.

it just makes me want to die - that'll make them happy. only one last mess of mine for them to fucking clean up

love is louder

happy christmas and being alive

I've been sleeping like a maniac - 18 hours then up for like 4 then another 18 hours, I haven't been able to bare being awake. I'm either sleeping too much or not at all. typical me.
I am on holidays now until the 8th of January.
Tomorrow I  go to my father's for Christmas since my mom has decided to work Christmas Eve, Day, Boxing day and New Years - at the hospital. She's a nurse.
I've decorated my house and even managed to find a small tree and some ordiments. I love decorating.
I need to find my long sleeved church dress for midnight mass tomorrow since I have horrid cuts on my arms now more so than usual.
Anyway, typing to you with love with my snowman candle burning besides me; I hope everyones holidays are going lovely.
I've finished all my wrapping.
I got my mum a strainer, purfume and body lotions and my father a tea towel and socks like he asked.
Its strange - I was thinking today that I am surprised how I survived till Christmas; I'm so set on wanting to die - but people dying is just too much on Christmas. Lucky for the part of me that wants to live even if that part of me is getting smaller everyday.
and now I am rambling.
One other thing that has really set me off - I can't go to Toronto for a week anymore because my parents won't let me. It fucking sucks - I was so excited and now my sister has left for Australia.

Happy Christmas Holidays everyone.

death

why do people have to die.
why do loved ones have to leave us.
I lost someone today.
At 92 a person who was like a grandmother to me my whole life passed away in her sleep.
Im pushed over the edge and I can't stop crying.
I  can barley see the screen as I type this.
I want to go be with her  I want to die to.
I wish I could have died instead.
people who have so much wanting to live seem to die - she was the spunkiest old british lady I new.
I have nothing more to type.

tap / thankyous

Tap show went really well actually. I also did most of the hair and makeup for the dancers in the show.

It took me forever to find a long sleeved white top for my costume today - couldn't go on stage with out it ofcourse - I don't want anyone seeing my cuts.

I just want to take you guys for your recent comments <3

Just me: thank you for telling me I'm loved and supported - I really needed to hear it and same to you love.

Depressed Skinny Mess: your my rock darling - I can't say it enough - I feel like we are one in the same for some reason - I love your comments and I'll always be there for you.

Kes: hugs :) thanks for commenting! <3 <3

and everyone who comments/reads - I love you all! Your my blogger family - you keep me alive even when I'm struggling so much <3

disappearing

how much tynonal
how deep could I cut
how high would I have to jump from 
Today was blank.
Tomorrow I have to do a tap show at school.
I am at school from 8am-9pm.
I won't eat.
I had soup today and then pizza - ew. fail.
sit ups.
supernatural marathon right now because I can't sleep.
I don't sleep any more.
I'm on one of the lowest lows I've been on in a while.
I might go to the doctors for sleeping pills, but I might take too many; who cares
cut cut cut, smoke smoke smoke, i want some weed.

trigger warning

I'm a mess
I hate me
I can't make this utter saddness leave me
I've never be able to
I control it with eating and cutting and anything that makes me feel different
I hate it
I don't know what true happy feels like
I want to die
I'd rather die than continue to feel like this
I'm eighteen and since I little all I can remember is this saddness this darkness in me
Im tired - I'm tired of failed suicide attempts, I'm tired of swimming through life feeling like I'm drowning.
I'm tired of trying to tell my closest friends only to have them shurg it off like its just a phase or like I'm too old to be carrying on with what i have been like my whole life.
I can't take it anymore.
I've never posted a picture of my self harming but here it is - my right arm, tonight, my razor is dying and this is a very mild cutting.  Iwant to do more I want to cut more.

also I found this photo today - im the red head in the back. this was me two years ago. about 110

dance photos

some dance photos from open house as promised :) I'll put some more up later <3
ignore my bad ballet hands in the first photo.. not suppose to have my thumb sticking out like that.

whale

whale. that's what someone called me.
the exact phrase was;
"Wow, you look like a while compared to your dance class"

I didn't get out of bed today.
I haven't eaten today and if I do I will throw it up.
I'm done being a whale.
I'm on vacation from dance now that open house is over, so I can't gain and I must loose. we get like three weeks off. When I go back in three weeks I was to be skinny like the rest of the class.

Now I want to go back into my bed but I have to go to the mall with my friend, my super skinny gorgeous bestfriend, shes my thinspo, but I never break a promise so I'm going to the mall.

weigh in today - 128 - barf.

waking up walking in muck breathing in smog

so again with a quick blog update mostly because I'm tired right now - I just did an hour pointe show so I really need to soak my bleeding feet but I am feeling really good about how it went. I pushed myself really hard.
I ate like shit today and for some reason I feel like listing all the crap I ate.
Dr.Pepper
half cup of ceasar salad no bacon
half cup of twirly pasta with cheese sauce
6in veggie sub with only mustard
a tv dinner -.- mashed potatoes corn and simulated soy nuggets
and a snack bag of Miss Vickies chips
Coke.

ew barf gross.  I feel gross about it. but I did dance alot off.

Today at school was good. We had a political debate - the teacher said I have a natural talent for debate and demanding voice when I choose to speak about something I am passionate about. yay.
Tap was good - I taught so I was nervous but it worked out

anything else I want to talk about? no I don't think so. I'm feelling like I'm falling into a deep dark hole lately - I thought I was rising up - being about to push sour thoughts back but its really fighting - I have such a hard time finding the encouragement to get out of bed. And I never get out of bed for myself - I find a reason like "tap clubs needs a teacher, politics needs a full debate team and so on. Me; I am worthless.
If I wasn't so excited for my Toronto trip I think I'd rot. I guess its a good thing there is one part of me searching for a will to live but the pain is so strong as well. anyways enough blabing from me = I need to go.
man I need a smoke and I left them at my mothers house -.-'
night beautifuls.

here there everywhere!

I don't have alot of time to blog right now since I'm doing dance shows all this week but I promise I will comment on blogs asap :)

So this was posted on my tumblr the other day
"You look so sick. Your eating disorder is obvious and it hurts more then just you.You strive to look like something NOBODY finds attractive. you have a mental disorder and need to realize it and be treated. You don't look ''good'' or ''hot''. No guy wants that. if that's what you think they do, they don't...Your poor diet is killing you slowly and if you're bulimic and not just anorexic your teeth are being worn down everytime you throwup.and dont think im being mean. you know me. and knew me when i was recovering from my disorder. i wish someone would have told me how disgusting i looked. i always found curvy, confident girls way prettier then skin and bone and didnt know how i even developed an eating disorder.'now i realize it was because of my anxiety. im 17 and im ht high risk for being infertile and have an irregular heartbeat that could give me blood clots at anytime becaus eof my eating disorder. take care of yourself.
This person knons nothing about my eating disorder and that I've had it since I was 11. but for someone to care really made me cry, ofcourse I don't believe what they are saying I can't.

So now I must go get ready for my dance show - I just had an hour and a half of tap and tomorrow I get to teach two tap classes because I've picked it up so well - exciting!

I hope everyone has a lovely dance. Time to dance mine away.

my dad is mad my friend is coming to my dance show - thinks it will distract me from noticing him - stupid controller.

sister visit and happy faces

seeing my sister actually went really well. I know all the stuff I wrote but just seeing her makes me happier. She gives the best hugs and treats me like a human. She knows what our parents are like. We sat and talked for four hours, two hours longer than she was going to stay. She is excited for her Australia trip and is going to try and find me something perfect to bring back. She also asked me to do something amazing and convinced my dad to let me. For the first week in January I am going to watch her apartment in Toronto while she's gone. I get to live on my own in a different city for a whole week. She is making me a list and buying me a metro bus/subway/trollie pass so I can get around. Its going to be a little nerve raking going around a huge city alone but I am sooooo excited. Where her apartment is down the street there are little boutiques and coffee shops so I'm excited to sit in there and read and write and have some time away from my crazy family. I love my sister with all my heart and I know she loves me to. <3

friday figures

I went to school today and dropped off my political essay. I worked with my mock UN team and then went home.
I took a nap when I got home and then went out with friends. I went to a motel where two of my friends are living while they look for an apartment. It was my bestfriend/her boyfriend [my roomie], my friend nicole and her boyfriend and then me; the awkward fifth wheel. Everyone got really sloshed drunk except me - I got to take care of everyone, we also got high - me to - I like not feeling anything.
I had to pay for the taxi back and then my friend and her boyfriend disappeared into his room and never came out - I have paper thin walls -.-' I feel so lonley - I don't have anyone to be with.
I'm not tired and I'm so bored - I want macdonalds [binge] but I don't want it you know - I'm broke anyway.
Tomorrow I see my sister for a short amount of time.
I get to go out for dinner - I hate eating out.
Sunday I'm going to the mall with my dad.
I guess I need to find something to do now.
I hope everyones friday went well
love you!

recap recall pics

after my shit day on Monday I haven't posted and I'm sorry. The days just seemed to become worse and so all I did was school dance sleep cry cut.  I'll give you a week recap.
Tuesday - I did not sleep monday night so I dragged myself to school, fell asleep in politics then slept in the chapel periods 3-6 and the chaplin asked if I was alright. I woke up sixth and went to tap club. Tuesday night at dance was horrible - I couldn't get anything right or good enough and I felt horrible looking at myself in the mirror - I was so upset that after dance I walked home instead of busing so I walked for 35 minutes crying my eyes out got home and just went to bed.
Wednesday - I schooled - I grade 8 orientated - I dance [better tonight] I watched top model and I ate alot. now I can't sleep because I feel like a fat disaster.
Tomorrow; school, dance then nothing.
friday; drinks but not getting drunk
Saturday - I get to see my sister - I was suppose to be skinny for this - I'm not.
I don't know what else to write about - ah, yes - I was thinking about starting a Vlog - opinions?
also I started reading a new book called Ashes Ashes - I quite like it.

So now I'm going to go for a smoke and see if I can sleep.
Random pic of me for the day:

I understand you might not want to be apart of this family but we are blood and I've always looked up to you so I was hoping for more than just two hours with you after not seeing for for 5months. It's almost worse that you can't say that you just don't want to be around. I know I'm many years younger than you but if only you'd give me a chance we could be bestfriends like sisters should. I'll always love you but I need you and your never here; you'd be the one person I'd get better for but your gone and dont want me. I guess I'm just blood.

what a shit day

I could just explode into a million little pieces right now. I'm physically and emotionally exaughsted. I want to curl up into a bawl and I can't. I got three hours of sleep last night and I have been going solid since 7am this morning.
I had hip hop practice all day from 11am-6pm only to be told that the choreographer had to rework something they forgot and it was too stressful to work me in having to learn an extra 1/4 of the dance (so I got kicked out even though I learnt 3/4 of a dance in one day that people got three weeks to learn and everyone was saying how I did it better than most people) so that just really broke me.
I need to get something together for my jazz dance Christmas show audition friday.
My friend that I have this huge ass crush on will never like me like that and it hurts like a mother fucker.
Me and my bestfriend got into a fight today because I had an emotional break and she just shaped back at me because I said something about her choosing her boyfriend over me when I needed her - which I didn't mean to come out the way it did - we worked everything out but still it was our first ever fight. ugh.
andthen I went to modern class for a practice for our "christmas show is in a week" practice. got worked hard.
now Im fucking tired and have to write a 2000 word essay. fuccckkkkkk this.
I want to scream and cut and run and I ate shit food today because I was stressed and Icouldn't throw it up.
and I can't super blast my music because of my new roomie which doesn't even really talk to me - but in his defence I am hiding out in my room right now.
I had a shit day and when I got home my mother didn't want me there and she hates me so much and its pushing way over the ledge - and now my knee hurts.
here is how I feel:

sorrow sundays

I woke up around 2pm today - slept for 15 hours. woke up to my dad saying  Im taking you back to your mothers and we will get lunch on the way. I really did not want to eat but I forced down soup - and thats what I've had today.
Today I also got a new roommate - after my mothers failed attempts of kicking me out and then telling my to come home and so on she decided to get a boarder - luckly it is someone I know - all though its kind of awkward because I don't know them that well, it is my bestfriends boyfriend. anyway I don't know how this is going to go but I'll keep you posted.
poor guy has to come into my hell hole of a house - my mom is always drunk and always yelling at my - I'm always a depressed mess - and now I'm going to have to try harder to pretend I'm not even in my own home.
Hopefully he doesn't notice me working out. not eating. bindging. cutting. having an emotional break or something; how awkward but then again maybe he just won't care. this is my moms way of making some extra money.

other than that - I need to choerograph a Christmas dance for the school assembly in like three days. fun.
my head is feeling slightly better but ofcourse still hurting.

Today was a slow nothingness day - I have unfinished homework I probably won't be doing anyway.
This week I have dance auditions, dance practice at school and dance practice at the studio before the Christmas show.

busy busy.

tick tick I feel an emotional break coming on.

concussion drinks sleep

I haven't posted in a while - I don't know where the time went honestly its been a haze.
dance dance dancee
drank till I dropped last night at a party - I know I said I wasn't going to drink as much but my mom straight up told me she hated me so i left to party.
I got a concussion last night to from some ass whole. stupid.
So I spent today in emerg and puking.
all in all I feel like shit shit shit
I'm at my dads because I can't be around my mom right now.
I haven't eaten today obviously
I have 200 cals yesterday + whatever I drank in booze.

I hope everyones weekend is going lovely.

I want to thank you my lovely followers and commenters - my family <3 I love you guys so much and I'm going to do a thank you post when I can really focus

searching finding throwing away

oh what to write about today.
I slept a normal human eight hours through the night - thank you organic help me sleep tea! I really need to invest in more of that.
In school, in my one class we watched a CNN documentary about "The Secret County - North Korea" it was honestly really eye opening to the crazyness of that communist country and of course all the video footage they showed was taken on a cell phone that was smuggled in and out - owning a cell phone in North Korea is punishable by death. - anyways sorry for the political lesson xD

Dance was soooo tiring - I had my hardest night tonight - classical ballet was good and all just super strenuous and then pointe was insane - it was an hour and my toe nail half fell off and I had to keep on dancing :P oh the life of a dance.
One more thing that happened to me today - I saw an add posted at school today - Its a place called Hopes Garden - an eating disorder support place - it crossed my mind to go. I don't even know why, I don't want to recover - I'm not ready. but it still crossed my mind - I even looked into times - support meeting and they are free . . . ofcourse its at a time I have dance so I wouldn't go anyway but they do have drop in thingers to get info. and I also learnt that there are barley any actual treatment centers in my city. one only goes up to 17 so I guess Im too old for help there if I ever did want it.
but whatever - I deserve to suffer I think - I'm super discusting.

anyways - today I had oatmeal, chocolate milk, veggies and some flat bread. a pretty good day - no junk food binges.

Tomorrow I am putting my outfit together for a party on friday. and spending sometime with friends after dance.

Today one of my friends said I was looking skinnier- I don't see it. They asked if I was ok. I'm certainly not that skinny - I probably just looked skinny in my baggy sweater since my collar bones stick out.
maybe I'll post a pic tomorrow - let you guys give me some input.

I hope everyone had a great day - also if anyone could recommend some blogs to follow I'd love it :) I love to comment on all you lovelys

xx Sarah - lots of love

dance your heart out

I did good today - I went to school, I went to class, I sold tickets for a school event at all lunches - I modelled for a photography project for one of my friends. I went home and ate a veggie taco for dinner and then I went off to dance.
I also had tap after school - it was so fun but we worked our butts off.
Dance was really good tonight- ballet was just fun in a way and our dance is coming along very nicely for the Christmas show. Jazz was awesome; we are doing a dance to "all I want for Christmas is you" and its sooo cute and then we had tea time where we all sat around and drank tea.
I love how close our dance studio is.
Tomorrow I am to not speak all day - I am taking the Vow of Silence - it is to raise awareness for people and children in other countries that have their rights taken away - they cannot speak up about the injustice in their lives.
And now I am going to try and sleep.
I hope everyone had a lovely day
xx sarah

running spinning falling

Today I am surprised I got out of bed.
I can't bring myself to smile or anything.
I am going for a run before school today - I am a crap runner but maybe I'll get better.
I have the jitters or some thing - I don't know if its just me or what. It's like I shake or twitch or something. ha. too much caffine maybe.
Last night I must have had a nightmare or I still really hate myself while I sleep because I scratched my neck so bad my nail got fucked - I mean I have weak nails to begin with but holy fuck. - hopefully no one asks me about it.
Also last night I woke up at like 3am because my mom slammed the bathroom door - slamming doors ALWAYS wake me up because when I was younger my mom would always slam her bedroom door as she was leaving it to come and beat me. So I had a panic attack at 3am and to make it worse my mom came into my room to thankfully just yell at me about turning the heat up.

So shit morning. I'm in a rubbish mood. I get coffee for breakfast with a smoke and thats it for the day until soup at dinner.

I have modern tonight thankfully- dance helps.

Speaking of dance - my solo performances at done - but they want to refilm it on a better stage  because the first filming didnt come out like they wanted it to.

and I should have some pics shortly - this is one my friend took of me warming up - I love it.

I am going back to school today - I didn't go much last week so the teacher will probably yell at me today. Strangely I am doing well in the class.

I hope everyone has a smashing day
love sarah xx

dance solo

ABC day four - complete :) - lost two pounds.

So the first dance solo went really good tonight =] next show tomorrow. I am please and alot of people said I dance beautifully.

I finally have my laptop back which is nice because now I can sit in my rook xD

I am super tired so this post won't be long - I'll get around to commenting on everyones blogs sooner or later :P

I didn't go to school today yet again but whatever.

I hope everyone had a lovely day.

lots of love Sarah

tired, busy, sister

ABC day three; fucked up - fasting today nuff said on that matter.

dance photoshoot for today was cancelled - thats okay because I am super busy anyway.
Today I have to - reherse my dance for the shows, participate in a free the children presentation about clean water, attend a free the children workshop for three hours, go to dance class till 6 and then go home and practice my dance - then sleep.

its 5am - I am up so early because I can't sleep. I'll be starting this day off with an energy drink and tictacs.

I wish I could crawl into bed today and stay there but sadly I cannot. I never get out of bed for myself- I get out of bed if I have made a commitment to someone or something else. Today it is free the children, tomorrow is dance.

I have something exciting [to me] to share with you guys; my sister is coming for a visit on December 10th, I don't talk about my sister much and thats partly because she's never around; shes quite a bit older than me [I was never ment to be born - my parents are old haha.] and she's moved out and she dislikes our parents [as any sane person would] so she visits once or twice a year - usually in december since its christmas month- she doesn't usually visit on Christmas and certainlly won't this year considering she'll be in Australia. Anyways,  I'm excited to see her because she is one of my family members who I love unconditionally; I've always looked up to her; shes like that 'perfect' big sister - smart, sweet, dancer, swimmer, teacher, amazing in anything she sets her mind to; I wish to be half as good as her. Ofcourse its hard living up to her for my parents since she was the perfect child but its not her fault. I wish she was around more often; when I was younger I would pray that she would take me away from the evils of my home and mother me but I never had the heart to tell her all the goings ons because the time that I do get with her is limited and I want it to be happy. and this visit I have a plan - I plan to be smaller; fragile; maybe she'll notice. so I have 16 days to lose a shitton of weight - I'm going to be working really hard.
This is my sister and I a loonnngg time ago [5years?] at my grade 8 grade [ignore the yuckyness that I am]

again I wrote alot so I'm sorry if I bored you :)

have an awesome day lovelys and I hope some of your strength will be with me as I get through this tiring day as I am starting off all ready tired.

xx Sarah

burning the candle at both ends

ABC day two 500 cals; success with 490cals - no weight loss so far.

in other news; Im still sick obviously.

I'm dying my hair bleach blonde probably sunday.

I'm super busy with dance. I have dance practice monday - thursday with week - tomorrow morning I have dance solo rehersals - Friday and Saturday I am performing a solo pointe piece called rise of the phoenix - If its taped i'll post it on here.

I'm doing dance photo shoot on Thursday.

busy busy busy - but I like busy alot.

now i am going to go to bed :)

I hope everyone is having a strong day <3

this is horrible

ABC day 1: 500 cals. I had less I had 300 cals today.

being sick makes it a lot easier to not eat but I hate being sick. I can't function.
I didn't even get to hand that project in today because I could not walk to school.
Today has been absolute rubbish. My parents were fighting about me and then at me, my Dad wants money - I have non to give him -  my mom is a right bitch and said she wants nothing to do with dance or me and that I'm a burrden she wishes she had aborted.

I was going to make low fat hot chocolate and there was none and I burst out into tears.

Plus for being sick - my period ended early.

I really need to go see my physio therapist because my hip injury is acting up. I cannot afford to have permanently damaged something because dance is all I have.

I hope everyones day was better than mine <3
I am trying not to cut so I really hope I don't even though I realllly want to,

sick again; late night project

I am so sick. again!
ugghhhhhhhh
stuffy nose, sore throat, head ache, dizzy, fever.
and do you know what I am doing? a project that is due tomorrow.
It has to be done.
Today was ok. ABC will have to wait till tomorrow - I had to have a sit down dinner with my friends family.
So I am starting tomorrow. like I said. wow. . .  sorry.
Today I saw a friend I have not seen in a while - we walked to the mall - it was cold and probably did not help my cold. I bought some make up.
I bought a scratch card - I lost.
Other than that nothing really went on today.
Tomorrow I have to get this project into my politics teacher - its going to be half assed but its going to be done. Then I am going home to sleep until I need to leave for dance. I have dance class then I am going to go home to bed.
I wish I could sleep now - The second half of my project is waiting for me. I must go.
I hope everyone had a wonderous homework free day.
I'll comment on blogs tomorrow.
and I'm off
love; Sarah xx

binge explosion, new day, new coat

stupid stupid stupid I'm so stupid. I binged like hard core binge - for me anyway. I hadn't eaten in a day and a half and I felt fine; then my friends asked me to go out - we went to mac donalds - usually I'm good at avoiding Mac Donalds but for some reason this time I went nuts - I'm going to feel discusting sharing this with everyone but here is the intake:
One Junior Chicken - 380cals
One crispy chicken snack wrap - 290cals
One medium fry- 360cals
One medium coke- 220cals
Total - 1250cals

HOLY EW ARGGG
and I didn't even have time to throw it up.

so today is a new day - today I am starting the ABC diet - I am usualy so AGAINST these little diets but I need something to tell me what is allowed - I need a little structure - and its hard to explain - its like as I was crying last night affter my binge something snapped like I HAVE to do this.

I also went on a run, I suck at running but I went anyway.

I'm trying to find a positive to this blog post for you guys . . . I got a new coat this weekend! I love it very much - here I'll post a picture :) . I did very much enjoy my shopping trip and I did enjoy my milky way and Quavers.
also I'm playing with the idea of going bleach blonde for a while. maybe it will be a weight loss reward.
today is my day to remind myself - It is a new day - everyday is new.
my coat :)

also I went out for coffee and this is what people at the coffee shop I go to do :) brightens up my day
you can also see my anti-bullying pledge pin in the corner - I took a pledge to help end bullying:)

coming and goings of today

I should be getting ready to go out with my two best friends right now but I feel like I don't look good in anything so I can't find anything to wear and that make up is a hassle even though I know I won't leave the house without it. The farthest I got was having a shower and brushing my teeth.

Today I am going to "The British Shop" in my city - oh Canada thank you for at least having a place were I can get things from my real home xD and honestly a few things I've learnt from England to Canada is that 1.The chocolate in Britain is the best thing ever! my grandpa use to work for Cadbury and bring home chocolate when I was very small, but by far my favourite chocolate bar is a Milky Way and I'm going to let my self have one today. 2.Crisps are better. 3. everything is better. but honestly my mom has written up a list of things for me to get - black pudding for her [personally I don't like it + I am a vegetarian] and tea xD.

I am also going to the mall today and I actually have money to spend - if I find anything I actually want to buy - feel confident enough to wear - I will take pictures to post for you guys.

Last night I didn't eat until 9pm - and I wouldn't have eaten at all if it wasn't for my friend -.-' but today is a new day - I have a plan. I'm going to work off that milky way but honestly I am going to try and enjoy it.

Monday I find out specifics about the music video I am going to be in [exciting!] and last night I got an email confirming I am a dance soloist for a show at a fair xD

my picture meaning of today - Its snowing where I live already - I miss the summer. and I really need more slouchy long sleeve tops.

anyways enough of my goings ons - have a great day everyone <3

love always
              Sarah xx

update

Dance makes it hard to update my blog every single day but boy do I try!
I don't think I have lost any weight yet from cutting out foods and more dance but then again I haven't weighed myself - I don't look any different though.
There is this one girl in 5/6 of my dance classes and she is my thinspo - shes a little taller than me but sooo much thinner - such an amazing dance to.
I got my politics exam back - not as good as I wanted it to be Application: 24/24 Thinking and Inquiry: 15/17 and Communication 20/35 - communication is always my worst - I have never been able to spell - when I was little I use to write all my letters backwards and in the wrong spot - it took me a long time to conquer that.

When I go to dance classes I have late classes monday - wednesday so I stay at my Dad's at the night - my Dad has always made me feel uncomfortable and honestly he's really weird so its hard to stay there and my mom is so happy that I'm not home as often because she hates me being around - I wish I had my own place but since I dance four times a week sometimes five it is near impossible to find a job.

Anyways not much else to talk about except for the fact I nearly died in dance yesterday because I wore my sweater to hide my arms  - it was way too hot. Tonight cover up might do the trick.

Yesterday the social justice team put on something called a "mix it up" were different people sit at tables and meet new people - it was for our anti-bullying week. Since I have been so severly bullied through out my life I volunteered to spear head as one of the leaders - it was a great success. Tomorrow we are holding a big anti bullying assembly so hopefully that goes well.

I'm getting some dance pictures taken in the near future so I'll make sure to post some :)

I think I am going to have a lay down now until I need to leave for dance so big restful hugs!
Sarah xx

life update

I shouldn't drink.
I get to emotional.
I smashed a fucking beer bottle just to have something I could cut myself with. My arm looks like a massacre.
I spent most of Saturday throwing up - laying down and drinking water trying to remember what the fuck happen the night before. I really should not drink. I'm going to try and not drink. I mean this is going to sound twisted but I could be really drunk smashed that beer bottle and slit my wrists deep enough to bleed out and die and everyone around would be too drunk to do anything and thats NOT the part that bothers me - its that I won't really be aware of my own death. I'll have taken myself away from life with out any last sober thoughts and that bothers me. I am way to suicidal to drink.

On an other less depressing topic I hung out with friends tonight and went on a lovely 7k walk.

Tomorrow - well really in about four hours I'm still deciding wether or not to go to school for my one class. I like politics and I'm doing decently well but my attendance is rubbish because I don't actually HAVE to be in class nor do I need the class.

Later today I suppose - I have modern dance class tonight and I will take a nap before then.

In other more exciting news - I might be in a music video - which is super exciting - I've always fancied being an actress so I audition for things here and there and I finally got a call back. I also have a modelling shoot in the next two weeks - which is lovely because I really need the money - its implied nude but its for art and such - ya everyone has their opinions on that sort of thing but I am not against fine art implied nude - I AM against full on porn nudity and would never do something like that. So my week is super busy with dance from Monday - Thursday - I'm going to the mall with a friend friday.

This was a super long post but it seems like I have alot to talk about tonight haha. maybe I just talk more at 4:30 in the morning. what else is  there to talk about... ah yes, I am fasting to day - mondays are the easiest - i never have to eat breakfast or lunch but dinner is sometimes tricky - [unless of course im into my hiding food stages] but mondays i leave for dance late enough to say - I will grab something from Dads [my Dad lives close to the dance studio so I usually stay there when I dance] and when I get to my Dads I say "I ate at Moms" my parents rarely talk so it won't matter.

I think I'm done typing .... .... wait wait I forgot to mention I am printing out my poetry and thinking about sending it to some publishers - I really want to publish a poetry book :)

Honestly - I do have things I want to do in life even though I'm severely depressed, sometimes I think of it as my bucket list and sometimes I think it might save me one day.

On a last note - don't sit on your feet while tying long blog posts - you will get pins and needles and it will suck.

A prickly sore tired Sarah saying goodnight - good morning and sorry for the long read - have an amazing day <#

dance job breath

I am like twice the size of every person in my dance classes.
Today was shit. My friend  - same height 20 pounds lighter naturally thin was talking about feeling fat and needing to work out so badly. What am I? god-freaking-zilla.It hurts really bad. She is one of the bestest friends I've ever had though - Im just in a rotten mood today

he just makes me feel like a piece of shit like im stupid and worthless how did we ever date - oh ya I loved him

On a positive note I love being back in dance for the dance.

I want to be 100 pounds - 110 by Christmas - I don't know if I want to make it to Christmas

I have to learn a two minute dance for next thursday for contemporary class and I have to learn it off a kinda crappy recording.
They put me in too easy classes so I had to get my time table changed.
Now I have:

Monday - Modern advanced 8:45 - 10
Tuesday- Contemporary Ballet Open Advanced Intensive 6-8 / Jazz open Advanced Intensive 8-9:45
Wednesday - Classical RID ballet [highest level] tech class - 6:15 - 7:30 / Pointe 7:30 - 8:45
Thursday - Contemporary (lyrical) Open Advanced Intensive 4:30 - 6

I dance four days a week with possible rehearsals fridays. The three days  I do have off I need to get a job.

I'm also fasting for the next three days. minus tomorrow nights drinking at a party.

I hope everyone is lovely - I'm still going to post often even if I'm doing it from the dance studio :)

dance

failed on my liquid fast today - but I'm just veggie fasting from now on because I start dance classes tomorrow.
I am super excited to start dance again :)
my dance times:
monday
8:15 - modern

tuesday
      2:00:tap
5:15 - ballet
7:45 -lyrical
8:45 -jazz

wednesday
6:15 -ballet
7:15 -pointe

Its super exciting :)

I have my politics mid-term today and I think I did well.

I promised a weigh in but honestly I don't want to because I didn't complete the liquid fast.

Now I must find all my dance stuff :)

I hope every one had a great day.

teacup of pain

Today was fun - little kids are sooooo cute!
seeing their faces light up when santa arrived brightened my whole day
I hope every child suffers no pain.

My childhood was shit and it pains me to think any child could suffer like I did.

liquid fast day two - success - I'll weigh in tomorrow.

this is a pretty short post - I'm quite tired.

On a positive note - I think my cold is finally subsiding

I wrote this :

Tea cup of pain
Cracking down the rim
Rosie Roise
Shards of glass
Peeling back the plastic rap
Been this way for a while
It time to exhaust black bile

liquid fast day one

liquid fast day one: complete - success

I even worked out

I wish I was as skinny as my best friends - that is my goal so far.

If I loose 10 pounds I am going to get a new piercing :)

My dance tattoo got postponed thanks to my dad so now I have to wait even longer.

I cut today.

Tomorrow I am an assistant photographer and crew for The Childrens Hospital Fundraiser - I get to talk to the kids while they get santa photos - yes I am dressed up christmas-y  :P

breathing water in the air

here I am typing my post while coughing up a lung and realizing I am late to my friends house. Honestly I needed to take sometime right this very second to post because I feel like I might explode into a millions tears because I feel like I'm being crushed by a thousand bricks and with my cold on top of everything else I don't feel strong enough to hold them. I wish that when my close friends say things that are suppose to make me feel better actually did, I wish I believed them. I wish that I wasn't completely fucked in the head. I truly believe I was ment to leave this world.

sorry about the melancholy but even though I just got out of bed today has already been a long day.

On a brighter note the liquid fast is off to a good start.

cough twist die

I am still sick.
It sucks that I have an immune system deficiency sometimes because something like a simple cold turns into a three week chest cold/flu hopefully not pneumonia thing -.-'
My meds aren't doing anything usefully except for making me feel very drugged up. Sleeping is near impossible unless my meds knock me out.
I was thinking about just ODing on meds today . . . I really wanted to. I should have.
I really want to cut right now and I probably will.
Tomorrow I am going to politics class and a social justice meeting then home.
Friday I get a tattoo - I am getting Dance on the arch of my foot - I'll make sure to post a picture.
I like the thought that when I die I will take dance with me - I know morbid but I only ever feel alive when I dance.
I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow
hugs <3  your sarah

seriously!

I'm full on sick again ugghhh when will this end!!
My throat kills and the worse part is that its hard to breathe D: so I might have to go back to the doctors.
not cool.
I have tap today if I can make it all the way till the end of the day.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween guys!
I hope everyone has a spooky day ;)
I'm going to try and enjoy some of my schools halloween activities and such.
I've school appropriated my Sucker Punch costume for the day haha.
My sore throat is finally gone YAY! now hopefully my cough will go away.
Nothing else very interesting to talk about - if you want to see my halloween costume just look at the post below.

hall-o-ween

Halloween party equals boozes, pills, and paranormal activity three.
Holy fuck freaked out xD
I love feeling drunk and numbed out.
Still sick tho!
This is my costume: Baby Doll from Sucker Punch (it can also be mistaken for a sailor I've been told)

I hope everyone is having a great halloween weekend!

so sick

I'm still sick D: one trip to the doctors for me today - kinda thinking I have strep.
This sucks because I coulda partied lastnight but was way to sick and I can party hard tonight but I don't know if  I can hadle it D: honestly I just want to get fucked up. UGH
On another note, my friend took some pics of my for her photography class and people seem to actually like them. here's one

I don't know

being sick is the pits.
I feel like I'm drifting.
I don't know who I am, what I am ment to do.
I don't know anything.
I just know I don't want to be here.
Every waking moment is "how could I die right now" wanting to die is controling everything.
I think I want to die because I feel like I'm living dead. If that makes sense.
I'm doing anything to feel alive but numb this huge pain all at the same time.

I hope everyone has a better day today.

today is one of those mornings I woke up wishing I were dead.

Evanescence meet and greet/ concert

so today WAS the best day of my whole entire life EVER.
I met Evanescence - got all their autographs on a cd and got a picture taken with them.
THEN I was front row for the entire concert. I rocked out so hard everything hurts now and I'm coming down with some sickness and I've lost my voice but it was WORTH IT!!
They played all my favorite songs and I cried at one because I remember being 12 and thinking if I ever got to see this song live it really was a reason to live. That song stopped me from killing myself at 12 and 13.
And the band is so cool! and Amy is the sweetest person ever! shorter in person than you'd think haha.
I was so star struck meeting her I could only manage a "hi, how are you and thank you and you rock" :P
I feel like my life is complete and that its okay to die xD
And THERE EVEN BETTER LIVE then album music :P Her phone is AMAZING!!
that is all :P enjoy some pics!

best day ever in the making

Today has the potential to be one of the best most amazing days of my life. I get to meet and greet Evanescence and attend their concert. I hope I don't forget my own name xD.
I'm leaving on a greyhound at 10:30am with my friend - we are going to hang out down town for a while then head over to the music hall. I'm so excited! sadly my friend didn't win a meet and greet but he wants me to go for the both of us - hopefully he's easy to find after!
I have loved Evanescence since I was 12 when the friend that I'm going to the concert with introduced me to their music. The music has gotten me through alot - times when I thought depression would win and anorexia would kill me -  the music litterally kept me alive.
Ofocurse I'll probably keep that to myself - I might forget how to speak all togther :P
I promise if I get an awesome picture I will post it. I'm only allowed one photo on my phone with the band - meet and greet rules. And one autograph which I am soooo going to frame xD
Today is going to be amazing - I might cry.
Hopefully everything goes smoothly and I can find my friend after the meet and greet and soundcheck and that we can get super close to the stage =D

OKAY I've rambled enough - I wish everyone of you could be with me :) I hope everyone has the best day possible.
I promise a fully photo documented adventure blog update tomorrow :)
Love you guys !!!
rock on ;)

OMG EXCITED

I WON A MEET AND GREET WITH EVANESCENCE!!
I never win contests! I cannot believe this!
Tomorrow is going to be one of the best days ever! meet and greet and concert!
:D

whatever

today was shit.
I haven't eaten at all though.
My mother is stupid and I need to move out.
My dad doesn't want to pay for dance - well he can pay for my funeral bills because dance is the one thing that makes me happy.

busy does not even scratch the surface

all of a sudden I've become incredibly busy!!

Baby sitting Saturday and Sunday
Modeling runway rehersal Sunday Evening
Meeting with Pheonix Project Dance Solo music selection process (I'm the soloist!) sometime next week
Evanescence concert Tuesday
Start dance next week
Angels and Demons Runway show Oct 30th
school (ha funny)
AND I've just been through round one auditions for two new modelling calls
holy moly I am busy.
and I still need to plan a halloween movie night
Start my dance for the christmas assembly
Start my audition piece for University dance programs
Look at god damn dance programs
save money
find love ahahaha jk
I need to be able to get out of bed for these things....
I haven't even got to sleep tonight - Im running on energy drinks and coffee -.-'

I hope everyone has a relaxed day for me :P

Today I am dragging myself to school - Going to the "we" team social justice meeting to learn the speech I make on October 24th. Then I'm going to the mall with friends for a little break - searching thriftly for my costume. I'm being poison Ivy from Batman. HOLY COW.

and right now what I really need is A SHOWER - and a smoke. and I wish I had prozac or something so I could function -.-'

Lucky with all this going on I have less time to eat.

AHEREGTDSG$#

UGH EVERYTHING IS A MESS, APPERENTLY THE WORLD DOESN'T CARE!!!
I CANT HAVE OR DO ANYTHING!
I'M A FAILURE
A FUCK TARD
I SUCK AND SHOULD DIE
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
EVERY WAKING SECOND I WANT TO DIE

sleep and the coming week

I was really put off by the doctors yesterday. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning - in face I didn't get out of bed all day - no one cared. 

I didn't eat or anything but then I binged on mac donalds and barfed it up.

I cut - and cleaned them better than usual - I don't really want a repeat of the hospital.

I had to tell one of my bestfriends I cut to take me to the hospital - she was very understanding and not upset at all and we didn't talk about it after. thankgod.

I should go to school tomorrow. I will..

The furnace broke - its freezing in my house -.-'

I've listened to the new Evanescence CD like 5 times now - Eight days till I see them live!!!

I'm almost thinking about just staying alive just for this concert. Once its over I see no point to continue on. I would like to end everything now but two things stopping me are

• The Evanescence concert (I've wanted to see them live since I was 12 and their music has saved me before)
• I babysit two precious children this coming weekend - I can't let them down, im like the only babysitter their mom can afford this weekend. 

doctors

stupid doctors. He didn't give a fucking damn at all. I told 100 percent truth and once I did he didn't even care to really look at the cut. told me to put some polysporin on it.
I guess it doesn't matter what I do.
whatever.
life is bull and nothing works out.

shit shit fuck shit do i tell?

I think one of my cuts is infected...

blahh

Im drunk
I cut
I, drunk nd i cut
kayy

pic from my makeup - hair job

+ me drunkr

Tomatos, busy and sleeplessness

Politics project complete.
I did not sleep all night and I have a busy day D:
I give a presintation to a grade 9 science class on global warming at 8am then I head to politics are 9:24 till 10:45 then I paint a banner for the social justice team I'm on for something we are doing called "Halloween for Hunger" were you collect cans instead of candy for the foodbank. Painting will take the longest.
I left a note for my mom asking for money so I can get an energy drink or something. Hopefully she gives it to me.
Other than that - tomorrow is a friday and I think I have plans with my friend Ashley to sit around and chill.
I wanted tomorrow to be a fasting day but I already know I will be indulging in some caffine liquids.

Saturady I get shit faced after I work all day on a photoshoot as the makeup/ hair artist. Anyone interested in seeing pictures?

I need to buy more long sleeve shirts ... I need a job. badly.

And today was ok. I ate a tomato and hot chocolate. I went to  a social justice meeting. I helped my friend with her photography.

square glass perfect

I fell asleep around 9pm last night and now I'm up at 4:30am too tired to do anything but no tired enough to fall asleep again quite yet.
My day at school was ok pretty boring nothing interesting.

I have this white square plate and clear mug and I know this is going to sound weird but I only eat and drink out of them when my eating disorder is really getting a hold. I only drink diet drinks and water in the mug or tea. And  I like to organize my low cal foods - usually fruits and veggies and egg whites on the white plate and I have specific patterns on the plate that I make. I like the clean crispness of the white square and the clearness of the glass. Its perfect.
I started using the plate and glass today.

I have a fair amount of school work to do today and I think I will go to my dad's house to do it.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day

ugggggggggggghhhhhhhh

text from J "your life doesn't suck  You might have some rough times but trust me it will get better. You've got amazing friends to look forward to no matter how terrible your life can get. You still make them smile so your lifes not bad. You might think your dumb every once and a while but it all works out in the end People like you and you have amazing talents"

This made me so mad because I was trying to explain depression - it hit ALL the time. Why don't people get it. I can't see my talents. I'm SCUM all the time.
CUT I WANT TO CUT

late night hours

staying up watching Prozac Nation.


Pressure on my chest
Muck filling my lungs
Surrounded by smog
Heavy and empty
Lightness in the head
Hard in the heart

A poem about how I feel

I think tomorrow I'm going to try and look decent ... but I will still look ugly.

sister thanksgiving pain

stupid cramps, I miss when I didn't get my period anymore.
In other news :P I'm going home today from my Dad and possibly going out with some friends.
We did our Thanksgiving  last night and I got away with only eating the steamed veggies.
My sister was in town yesterday but didn't come see me because she didn't want to see Dad or for him to know she was even here - she and him kinda have a relationship like him and me - our parents where not and are not very good parents.
Me not being able to see her really made me want to cut but there is seriously like nothing to do it with here so I punched my legs really hard until I felt better.
Having my period makes me super tired so I'm going to go take a nap
Sleep Hugs and wishing you a good day xxSarah

down down frown

I heard if you cut vertically they have more trouble stitching it back together. Easier to die.


I'm spending Thanksgiving at my Dad's because my mother doesn't want me.
and now I have plans with three other people to move into a two bedroom condo co-op building, rents cheap between the three of us - so the second I get a steady job we are renting it. I think this will be good for me - to be away from my partents - they've caused so much damage.
If I make it 
I baked 30 cupcakes today and didn't eat any
thank god for the internet or I'd go nuts in this house.
I need sleep but I either don't sleep or sleep too much. thanks depression.
I also really wanted to run around the house today putting sheets over all the mirrors - instead I just don't look. 

White lips, pale faceBreathing in snowflakesBurnt lungs, sour tasteLight's gone, day's endStruggling to pay rentLong nights, strange men
And they sayShe's in the Class A TeamStuck in her daydreamBeen this way since 18But lately her face seemsSlowly sinking, wastingCrumbling like pastriesAnd they screamThe worst things in life come free to usCos we're just under the upperhandAnd go mad for a couple of gramsAnd she don't want to go outside tonightAnd in a pipe she flies to the MotherlandOr sells love to another manIt's too cold outsideFor angels to flyAngels to fly
Ripped gloves, raincoatTried to swim and stay afloatDry house, wet clothesLoose change, bank notesWeary-eyed, dry throatCall girl, no phone
And they sayShe's in the Class A TeamStuck in her daydreamBeen this way since 18But lately her face seemsSlowly sinking, wasting[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-team-lyrics-ed-sheeran.html ]Crumbling like pastriesAnd they screamThe worst things in life come free to usCos we're just under the upperhandAnd go mad for a couple of gramsAnd she don't want to go outside tonightAnd in a pipe she flies to the MotherlandOr sells love to another manIt's too cold outsideFor angels to flyAn angel will dieCovered in whiteClosed eyeAnd hoping for a better lifeThis time, we'll fade out tonightStraight down the line