bored, bones, weight

I never know what to do with my days with nothing to do. I ended up going to bed at like 8pm last night after I had a salad for dinner.
I had a sandwhich around noon today because I felt like I was going to pass out and then I had a smoke and cola for my hyperglycemia since I was low on sugar. Thats like 400 calories today and I wonder if I can get away with not eating anything else today.
I'm so awake right now and I just want to be tired so I can sleep until something to do comes up but I'm at university till the 20th and all my friends have already gone home and butterfly girl is still here but when she's busy I don't have anything to do but go on the computer and smoke when I feel like going outside in the cold.
I hope everyone is having a lovely day.
Apperently I feel like taking pictures of myself lately. So here is one of my collar bones, I miss my old collar bones though, I miss my 110 pound body, I think about when I was 110 and thinking I was so fat and needed to lose so much more and now I'm 130 and wondering how I can let myself be like this.

 

abs

Today my brain is in control. I've had 70calories. I'm counting today.

Other note I noticed my abs are coming in.

I'm still fat and yucky but here is a picture. 

I don't want to go

I don't even want to go to my coucelling appointment today, I don't even know what to say. Like "hey ya once I was super skinny and now I have all the same eating struggles just stuck in a fat body because of recovery kay cool" "Oh no I cant just STOP thinking negative thoughts" "Fine I'll try your breathing thing" stupid. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do it. And like I'm just gonna be like oh ya I threw up my meal yesterday and then ended up eating other shit and wanting to throw it up but had too many people around, oh wait we're just focusing on my self harm and negative thoughts, ok just pretend I didn't say anything, ya I'm not going to tell her anything. She wants me on meds for my anxiety, girl lets just wait till you've uncovered everything you want to cover up with meds, this isn't why I'm here. Just a stupid constant struggle between wanting recovery but the bad voices telling me no, skinny, perfect, not goodenough be better do what we say you piece of unworthyoflife shit.

I shouldn't start doing this again, but sometimes it just comes up so easily, fuck the sore throat and light headed afterwards, sometimes I can't get anything to come up and sometimes everything does. those times I feel like its right, its not suppose to stay in my body.

Am I the horrible one

Ever get the feeling like you're disapearing and seperating from the world. Like you may not directly want to die but can't seem to find reasons for yourself to stay not based on people you should stay for. It's like I could drift away maybe not die but just drift. Trying is so very hard and sometimes I just want to slip back into my old ways because for a while they are easier and living in my own world is easier but I know eventually it will kill me. Killing my self casually.
I also feel like I spent so much of my life, my childhood, my adolescence trying to be perfect at things at everything and committing so much time and it hasnt amounted to anything I am still no better than anyone else and nothing paid off, I'm not amazing I'm not good enough. Its something to have a little bit of talent but never good enough. Story of my life is that I'm average or if I'm good at something that could be extrodinary I'm not the best I'm not good enough.
I'm just on a rant now I suppose beacause you probably get the point.
Other things that are bothering me right now
- I haven't made myself go to the gym and based on what I'm eating day to day I should
- I haven't studied hard enough for exams because I'm just lazy
- I feel responsible for my friends down fall and even if I'm not a direct cause for her not eating or cutting I feel very much apart of it and watching her destroy herself makes me want to destroy myself even more
- I've wanted to self harm this week because my brain is yelling at the top of it's lungs all the horrible things about myself but I'm trying so hard not to because I don't want to put other people in an awkward position, I signed a contract about not doing it in residence, I can't have people see, I don't want to have to talk to my theripst about it.
- I don't like my therapist very much at all but I've only seen her once and so far shes diagnosed me with sever anxiety.
-I'm fitting in my fat jeans.
-I want to throw up meals after I've eaten and I can't make myself leave to do that because I'm usually with someone.
- My roommate is leaving tomorrow I don't want to be alone and I don't want her to be alone at home.
- I need a hobby
- I go home on the 20th and I'm not sure how I feel
- I have two "I'm crazy and you know it" appointments one with my theripst (Tuesday) and one with the person who takes care of this kind of thing in residence
Sometimes I wonder that if that one person who saw my cuts didn't see them or didn't care or if I didn't cut but was still struggling with depression and anxiety if anyone would really notice really care, is it just hard to accept things until it's stairing you in the face or displeasing to the eyes, do some people want you not to cut up your own body just so they don't have to look at it. I wonder these things and then I wonder, am I a horrible person. Maybe I'm the horrible one and everyone else is not.

rollercoster and butterflies

This week has been a rollercoster. It has had its super amazing up and really shitty low lows.
What's been good? butterflies and returned butterflies. I haven't felt involved in so long in the butterfly tummy life.
The downs; life events, counselling, exam crunch.
Yesterday and today I couldn't dress myself and I couldn't look in the mirror because I'm so ugly and fat. I was suppose to go to the gym but I got to dizzy to stand.
I'm tired and trying to study, write essays and go to class.
I just want to stay in bed but I can't.
Next monday is going to be super rough, I have a mental health meeting about coping living in residence and to overview my tracking log, I don't want to talk about my breakdowns and self harm that's been noticed, then I have a counseling appointment with my childhood trauma therapist and then I have a major psychology exam which I have to study for. My two main support people will not be there the weekend or the monday; one will be with her boyfriend and one (butterfly girl) will be in New York. Also that monday night after all this shit and probably a few anxiety attacks I have to go to semi formal - so between my appointment and exam I have to get all dolled up and pretty (and its going to be hard because I'm ugly) and then write my exam in my dress, go to the dance alone, wait for butterfly girl to come back and try to make a goodnight.
I'll keep you updates.
Right now I'm learning about language in psych lecture (yes I am in class right now).
Tonnight I won't be sleeping because I NEED to get caught up for studying.

breakdowns, special people and life

Haven't blogged since thursday when I pretty much had a break down blog post. Alot has happened since then. I was kind of in a daze trying to push through and then I got sick on Tuesday, I'm still kind of sick but at least functioning. I've been going to the gym which is really good but I still need to work on only eating health things.
I am blogging to you while in my psychology lecture right now because we are learning on how we formulate memories so I am pretty bored.
Saturday I had a really bad breakdown because my best friend and I got into a fight and it felt like I was losing her and she was blamming me and I couldn't handle it because I need to make everyone happy. I pretty much left the room I was in and sat out side in the cold long enough for my legs to change colour and my hands to be ice. I had to get, (lets call her D) D to come out and get me because I was crying so hard and cut and needed a person to be with me and talk to me so I didn't do anything stupid. I hated having to ask for help but I was scared and D really helped. D is becoming very very close to my heart but as everything in my life is, it is complicated I shall only say she is an amazing person and an amazing friend and I wish with all my heart I could be with her and love her and make her happy every day of her life (because I'm full of all the gushy cute stuff, my heart has all the love to share) sadly it will most likey never to be that and it will again have to be a person I will have to learn to move on from at some point in my life because peoples lives move on and they have to do what makes them happy as do I and sometimes those paths don't cross and if they do it is only for a short period of time in the sceme of life. I have all the things to say about that but I won't go into it.
Im surprised I can blog and pay attention to my lecture all at the same time but it is psychology, I understand it and then I end up self diagnosis but this is what I need to go through to be a helper in this world. I just want to help everybody and give them what they want no matter the cost to me.

I also need to finish a chapter book by tomorrow for 8:30 am. and then have two essays done (that I haven't started) by thursday, then thursday I'm going to get my drink on.

I haven't gone to sleep yet.

For tonight I will probably sit with a friend who is ill and try and wish her better, read my book and go to bed because I need to sleep.

Yet again another long post but I hope you are all getting use to it. I think it has something to do with sharing all my feelings.

I have another appointment and counselling wednesday. hurr.

Love you all <3

too much trouble for what I am worth

Can't fucking do anything, failure at everything.
Too much trouble for what I'm worth.
Like seriously why care I'm just one person on this planet that wouldn't make your life any better anyways.
I have the worse writters block right now for my essay and I'm not getting anything done and even when I finally get something down its not like its going to be good enough anyways. A pass isn't good enough I have to be fucking great top of the class with good marks, I need something to feel proud of because I fail at being pretty, thin, hot, loved, athletic. People only give a shit who are amazing, no one cares about people who are only average. So if I'm not going to do great then I had might as well fail.
I can't do anything and I can't even explain anything.
I'm in a terrible mood and I keep letting everyone down. I'm not cut out for university and I'm letting myself slip. I don't want to do this and I don't want to be here, I'd only want to be here if I was actually worth something to the academic system which I'm not. If I'm not great at schooling I won't get a job and I'll continue to be a failure in my parents eyes and my own eyes.
I have no motivation but I want it, I want to be better and there is the part of me that won't let me get better. It's like I'm drowning in a sea of darkness and depression.
I can't get out of bed, I can't start things early.
I'm so confussed with my own words and I can't explain anything.
I feel stuck and I feel sad and lonely.
I feel like I could just become invisable and scream scream scream.
Noone wants to love me no one wants to fall in love with me even if they give the vibes there in to me, my heart is constantly played with and I always get the worse senarios handed to me. I want want want and I can never get.
I'm sorry for the super long blog but I don't have anywhere else to turn, its easier to type than it is to speak, sometimes I wish I could just sit in silence and anyone who wonders what is wrong I wish I could let them into my brain for three minutes and they would feel and hear everything that I do because explaining it to them (well trying) just never works they just don't get it because they haven't been there, but you guys have, you guys get it.
I'm off to stare at my essay screen and become more and more frustrated.
I'm cursed to forever be alone in my turmoil in my reality.

intake report

My emergency intake appointment went as well as it could have I suppose. I get so much anxiety talking to new people in the first place let alone a counsellor determining my route of recovery and saftey of myself.
It started with some forms and then I got sat in a very small biege room with no windows and three chairs; one for the counsellor and two for the visitor; I took the seat the farthest away near the wall. I got asked a whole bunch of questions that I tried to answer honestly because I was there so I had might as well. I was deemed metally fit enough to return to rez and book an appointment for next week to be analyzed for my path of what kind of treatment I am going to be getting. I was given crisis numbers and told to try not to be alone and to make sure that I didn't have access to many drugs like pills. I also had the intake recorded which I hate but what can I do. It was horribly uncomfortable and I did not connect with my intake counsellor at all. I don't know how this is going to help but I'll keep everyone updated. No one is concernd with my wieght or eating because I look like I am a healthy weight. They want to address the self harm. I have my don talking to be and another head leader that I haven't yet got to know so I am very nervous to have to go and talk to. My next appointment is Wednesday the 21st. I answered no to suicidal thoughts because I would rather not end up in  rubbr room and I don't think I am in bad enough headspace to do that.
One thing I am scared for is the fact that it may get worse because it gets better because of all the trigers.
Time for some not mental related stuff;
I am sitting in my fantasy class and I am so freaking tired I can barely open my eyes becaus
e I pulled an all lighter. I am so tired that I propably wont make it through this class to be honest. I feel like I am going to be sick or pass out and I am so tured.

anyne have quteously about intake services?

go I'm off to go die nops.

intake

I'm being taken to coucelling and disabilities intake today. This is the first time someone other than a person who has known me for years has cared this much for my health and saftey. I'm scared beyond belife and I don't think I'll ever get better but I have to try I suppose.

On a side note I am so hungover right now.

I'll let all you lovelies know how everything goes <3

lets all fall for the people we can't have and think about them. herp.

anyways. my vacation home time is going ok. got really drunk yesterday.
weighed myself for like the first time in forever and ive lost 15 pounds. my next goal is 10 pounds away.

Still awake blogger loves still awake. I can't wait to get some sleep it's going to be glorious.
Then back to London some time tomorrow huurrrrr so excited. . . ahahahah no.

bad day

wanting something you can't have is about one of the worse feelings you can have especially if you feel like it's being dangled right in front of your face, this is the story of my life.

Today has been one of those days were nothing seems to go right. I didn't go to bed last night so I've been up since 3pm yesterday because I had a midterm to study for. And I can't go to bed tonight until my essay is done. I am going to do homework with my don when she gets back from the ab.

Today I sat in line for tickets to Montreal for four hours. Seriously four hours and you know what? I never got tickets. My social anxiety decided I didn't want to go near the end. My friend was feeling sick so I took her to the doctors on campus and then to get my other friend to eat I walked to mac donalds (quite a far walk) in the pooring rain, que incredibly bad mood. So then my don made me tea and let me fall asleep for a little while before we started decorating for a halloween contest. Then I went and wrote my mid term which was delayed an hour (had to sit waiting for an hour) got sat beside some obnoxious guy. Then went back to finish decorating. Meanwhile my friend (the girl I was interested in for a long time, the one I slept with, the one I fell for and then she went and got back together with her boyfriend) is texting me how she is fine about me wanting to go to Montreal on her birthday (one of the reasons I didn't go as well) and she obviously wasn't fine. She starts acting like she doesn't care I moved away and shes fine with out friendship moving apart which isn't what I wanted and then I get told its her boyfriend who put those thoughts in her head and that she doesn't really want our friendship to move apart so I'm trying to mend hurt feelings and still being upset she didn't just tell me the truth in the first place and all the drama, like today honestly. And to top it all off little piss offs have been happening all day and I'm in just a generally bad mood mixed with the emotions of not sleeping, needing to do well on my midterm and having to have an essay in by 830 tomorrow morning.

I really hope all of your days were better than mine.

I also cut in the washroom today to make myself feel better. fail. I ate today to so fuck.

out of control in control

That light headed feeling you get then you realize you haven't eaten in over 32 hours. It didn't feel like that long. I've really been only eating one small meal a day for about a week. I know I've lost some weight just because of the way my clothes have been fitting. I go home on Tuesday and I know I am going to want to weigh myself on the scale part of me is scared because I know I'm not going to like any numbers that are my goal weights and the other part of me wants to weigh myself because I know its going to make me want to lose more weight. I always want to lose more weight but the recovery part of my brain fights the sick part of my brain and usually the sick part wins.
I was just out side and got really dizzy just from smoking one ciggarete.
I know that cutting and restricting have been getting worse lately for my roommate as well so we agreed to go to couselling services together but I don't know if we are going to ever get there.
My brain is in over drive thinking about too many things at once and depression is so unbareable that food is something I can concentrait on and control while everything else seems to be out of my control.
Whats out of control right now
- school
- insanity
- self esteem
- depression
- social life
- thinking
- relationship life (wanting someone not being able to have them how cliche right)
- parents

Whats in control right now
- food

What I'm mad at myself about
- letting my friends make me get fatty food later today to get them off my back
- drinking alot last thursday ( there are so many calories in that)
- not getting an A on my first exam ( I got a B)
- not sitting down and doing all my essays (doing that tomorrow with psychology exam studying)

leave a comment and let me know how your life is going right now

love you all <3 xoxox

Struggles and University

I haven't posted in over a month. Does anyone even read this blog anymore. I'm just like blah blah my disorder getting on track blah blah ... goes missing .... repeat. I am stuggling every day but I just don't have the time to post and I am really sorry.
I haven't been able to weigh myself but I don't think I'm losing any weight. The past few days I haven't really been eating alot and I know its bad but it gives a feeling of power you know.
I also did something I haven't done in a little while. I didn't eat anything then I felt passing out like and so my friend got me pizza, my brain wasn't having it so I scarfed it down and then went to go throw it up. The experience sucked. It hurt and only bile and some pizza come out after 15 minutes and then my friend walked into the bathroom (awkward and we have communal bathrooms) its really hard to get through this and act like everything is fine.
On a general university topic the work load is intense and I'm finding it hard but survivable. I'm still smoking alot but I'm also having some fun. I've gotten to know my don which is nice considering I was kinda intimidated by her (like I am with most human beings) but she is like the nicest person ever, really easy to talk to but I feel like if she got to know everything about me, all the messed up stuff it would just be far too much, I'm so good at acting like everything is ok so I always wonder if anyone would even believe how much I struggle anyway. I'm just to messed up for life.
Oh well, I've got to study for my midterm tomorrow and then I have another mid term monday and I have 3 out of 4 essays to finish for the 30th.

I hope all of those of you who are still reading my blog are well and if you need to talk just leave a comment I will get it because I do check my email every day.

readings, relapse, roommate

   
 I didn't eat at all yesterday and only had a baked potato the day before that. It feels really good. Feeling the hunger cravings. I haven't actually felt this in a while. Usually my behaviour reminds me of when I was really ill and it scares me a little bit in my sane mind but now its reminding me that I am in control. I'm going to see how long I can fast for but I know at some point today I'll probably have to eat something. It is a little more difficult to plan out eating at University because of the vast array of food offered here. I am going to tell myself to go to the salad bar. I got quite nervous last night and tore up the back of my hand with a thumb tack. I don't know if I'd call this a relapse yet but it could be.
     In other news I made the varsity dance team and at my first practice I severly sprained my root, it is still swollen and gets tingly from nerve damage and I cannot bear anyweight on it so I am going to be on crutches for a while. It is hard to get around and everyone stares at me and I'm lucky not to go into a panic attack.
     University work is getting hard and piling up and I need to work on my time management but I know I can do it. I've barely been sleeping anyways so I use the time to study and do my readings.
     My roomate is feelings very stressed and having bad anxiety days and rarely eating as well. Some people may wonder if we help eachother with our disorder. I can not stand to see her do this to herself, I don't want her to be sick because I know how much it sucks. I also know she is far enough in that my opinion doesn't matter how much I care doesn't change what shes doing. I am there to support her in ways I can and I know that if it gets too out of hand I can reach out for help. I know her triggers and I know different ways to get her to eat. I know she can't get better until she wants to and I'll be there when she needs me.
     On the same note as my roommate, she is alot thinner than me and it kills me to hear her say how fat she is because I am so much bigger, if she thinks shes fat she must think I'm obese, I am really fat. I need to be thinner, I am discusting.
   Anyways I have a class in an hour so I am going to get ready, I'll probably eat something small around noon if I have to but I am going to try and make it till 4pm when my classes are done, classes are a great eating distraction for me, my roommate not eating makes me not want to eat and my brain is telling me not to eat. I am also visiting home to see my friend Lina and I want to eat as little as possible to be as perfect as the time constraints allow me to be for her.
Thanks for reading this long post lovlies <3

University adventures

University had begun and I am all settled into my room with my room mate. It is pretty fun here, I am working really hard on coming out of my shell. I am grateful to have my best friend with me because it means I do not have to go into anything alone. We have made 2 friends which is 2 more that I thought I ever would here.
My new friends
Mitch: He is 19 and lives right down the hall of my room. He is from Hamilton and is majoring in environmental studies like my best friend. He automatically clicked with us at the first frosh event because he recognized us from the apartment. He is pretty cool and seems very interesting. He likes drama like me and we can hold a conversation. He seems like the kind of guy I will want to be friends with forever or something. We make a good three.
Yanish: He is 17 and is majoring in Personal Administrative Studies. We met because we were sitting outside having a smoke and he approached us. He is into smoking and drinking and we have his booze in our freezer right now because he is under age and doesn't want to be caught at Frosh with it. We seems a little weird but he's nice.

I shall keep you updating on the progress of my friend making haha.

My parents miss me and everything but our relationship seems to be a bit better with distance.

I got to skype Lina last night at it made me miss home a little bit just my friends and everything. I really miss the closeness.

Frosh wise I am having alot of fun. There are lots of events. We have had dances and dinners and we had a carnival today! I beat  Mitch on the blow up obstacle course.
I start class on Wednesday which I am nervous excited for.
The food here is ok, alot of it is like fast food and shit but you can find alot of healthy options, it has been easier for my to eat because you have to go and eat with people in the first week so it feels like I have to.
Now enjoy some Froshing pictures :)

Tattoo and lovers

Today is a happy sad day.
I got my tattoo and I love it.
I am excited to move on and create my own life.
Today is sad because I am moving away from a few things in my life that I don't want to leave behind. I love my best friend, her name is Lina, she has my heart and I couldn't help falling for her. She is beautiful and kind and everything I am attracted to. I can be myself around her and she knows and understands everything about me. Today when I was getting my tattoo done she was there with me and stroking my back and making sure I was ok, we are always going to be best friends and probably never going to be lovers. She is now flirting with the tattoo artist (who is also gay) via text and I told her the truth that I am jealous because I always tell her the truth and she thought I was cute because I was jealous but she also knows that I know that we have to stay best friends because we never want to lose that. I know that I can love her and be with her forever and be lovers and bestfriends but sadly she cannot she may not always be able to be madly in love with me and needs someone else as a lover and me as a bestfriend so I need to move on but it is so damn hard and makes it even harder for me to find a relationship because I always think about her when I meet other women. I feel a little better now that I got to write that out. Thanks blogger and thank you to who is ever reading this, I would love your imput.

Also here is a picture of my tattoo <3

Off to school and tatttoo

I start school in a new city in three days and I haven't lost any of the weight I said I would and I've barley exercised at all so I'm probably more flubbery and fat then I was before the summer.
The summer is always the hardest for me to lose weight because I am always at work or with friends were I eat to please people, a way of saying "hey look I'm all better you have nothing to worry about" even when I still have the same anorexic thoughts but I just look alot fatter thanks to "recovery"

I am also getting a tattoo tomorrow on my wrists that say "Lost in a dying world I reach for something more" its a self harm tattoo and also there to encourage me that even though the world I am in has treated me like shit I have to try to make the best of it and try to succeed. I may not be fully recovered but maybe there will be a day when I am. I wish one morning I could wake up and be perfectly happy with myself and my life but I know that it will probably never happen.

I'm almost all packed up and ready to move and I am excited and sad all at the same time.

I was also thinking about making a university blog/volg so I'll post the link if I do.

I hope everyone reading this has a great day and stays strong because I love each and everyone of you. You guys have saved mylife on more than one occasion. I love you <3

sinking

That moment when you realize your thinking that cutting and taking a bunch of pills could just take the darkness away.
Why was I born with this thick blackness within; I don't think it will ever go away.
I'm tired I'm just fucking tired.
12 Days till I move to a bigger city. can I make it 12 days.
I really want to starve.
I'm slipping.
I've been feeling myself isolate and turn off.
The darkness is consuming me.

Look at this picture of me makes me sick, I'm fat and faking soo much happiness. Minus the fact I did get to drink the booze in that bag.

Early morning or late night my life

fact of no importance; I got a new laptop, its pretty. I am offically writing my first post with this new laptop.

        There is only 14 days until I move to a whole new bigger city. I'm scared but I'm excited to start a new life. I can be who ever I want to be even though I'm always going to be the same on the inside.
The hard thing about leaving is saying goodbye to the close friends I have here and I hope we don't grow apart.
I don't really know what else to write about. Whats been going on in my life recently you may ask. Well, I've basically just been preparing to start University. I've been trying to convince myself to start vlogging. I've been smoking more. I'm offically in debt because of school. I'm getting a stripper job to make money.
Today all I have been doing is tumblr, youtube and I bought a mini fridge for my dorm room.
Tomorrow I am going out drinking with a few friends and then heading to the local gay bar and omg there is this bar tender I wish I knew if she was gay or not and I wish I had the self confidence to talk to her.|

Losing weight has been on my mind. Suicide has been on my mind. And as usually I'm living in a world of dark thoughts.

I hope I make the dance team.

My thoughts are scattered.

Its almost 5am and I have to be somewhere at 3pm tomorrow. I'm spending the day light hours with one of my best friends. A quick post on her. I fell for her, we conected, we had sex. I can't get over her. She has a boyfriend now and my heart still jumps for her, everything she does is filled with beauty in my eyes. If only she felt the same way. Oh well I will take her as my bestfriend if nothing else just having her in my life is worth it.

I need to sleep but I just can't stop writing and thinking and thinking and writing.

Its my birthday and I write a blog post if I want to :)

Today is my 19th birthday.
It's crazy to think this will be my last year as a teenager.
I'm not overly crazy about birthdays but its nice to recieve Happy Birthdays to know people remember you even if it is only for one day.
Here in Canada 19 is the legal drinking age so you can imagine what I am going to be up to tonight.
It saddens me to think this is the time where I am suppose to be a young adult reflecting on my childhood and to be honest I can't really reflect happily. So much of my life has been eaten up by abuse, depression, cutting and my eating disorder. There is no reason I can't still have youthful enjoyment now. I can't turn back the clock.
Another thing that made me a little sad and usually does is thinking about my family. My dad and mum have already wished me a happy birthday but I'm scared my siblings will forget (but ofcourse that's why facebook posts birthdays right) I guess just seeing how close my brother and sister are makes me a little sad because I got lost in the wash because I am so much younger. It's not their job to love me or take care of me or even accknowledge me because I'm only half of them since they are from my father's first marriage but I love them non the less. I just miss them and wish I were closer to them but they have their own lives.

My brother is a really rad guy though filled with lots of love for his new daughter and I'm so glad she is going to get all the love in the world, all the love I would have killed for but because I know he's suffered from my Dad I know he will do anything in his power to be the best Dad in the entire world and I know he is capable of it. If you or someone you know is interested in checking out my brother's podcast about being a Dad you can check out his website and beingdadpodcast.com :) and yes I am shamelessly promoting him :)

I also have some good news. I have been attending some grief coucelling and therapy and its really helping me in understanding and coping. I'm not ready to open up about anything in my past but thats not what this therapy is for anyway.

Things that I want to accomplish in my nineteenth year:
1. Work hard in my first year of University
2. Join activities
3. Make new friends and not be as socially awkward
4. Start a vlog chanel and university blogger separate from this one (which I hope you will all follow as well :)
5. Not be afraid of smiling or finding happiness
6. Try my hand at getting a girlfriend

I hope to have a happy birthday and I'll let you know how it goes
I love you all so much, this blog, you guys have supported me for a long time and you give me my own safe family <3 thank you!

mourning

I can't talk
I can't breathe
I can't write
I can't think
I've lost a part of me
at 6 weeks I lost the baby.
Apparently this is a natural occurrence in 60 percent of women before the 21st week.
I couldn't cope at all at first. I spent all last week out of town sitting by a lake at a cottage crying in the middle of no where.
This is the first I've been able to post about it.
I feel like it's my fault like I jynx the pregnancy because I wasn't ready for it because I was scared.
I know this happens but I don't know how to deal I don't know how to move on.

Pregnancy update; eating disorder; I am scared

     
        So I've been spending everyday for the past few weeks feeling utterly nauseas and now it's progressing to certain smells making me want to throw up (like onions which is sad because I love onions) and I'm craving weird foods like bananas which might not be weird to you but I HATE bananas. I'm also peeing alot. I don't care if this TMI because its my blog.
I've told a few friends and they are all being supportive.
All of them already know abortion is not an option for me (its just not my morals). and they don't think I have to heart to give up a baby for adoption (but when I absolutely have to think about it i may consider an open adoption)
I'm still only about three or four weeks pregnant and I'm not ready to tell my parents; I know I'm going to be kicked out because I've been informed this before. It won't hurt as much from my mum because she hates me and abuses me but me and my dad are close, he loves me but he won't stand for this and its going to hurt an unbelievable amount to lose his love. So I'm trying to enjoy all the good times I have left with him.
I'm also suppose to go off to school in September now I'm still considering going for a semester because I care about my education. Again I'm just not ready to think about it all.
Recent thoughts that have crossed my mind
 - I'm scared to get fat
 - I'm scared to lose people
 - I'm scared to be a mum
 -I'm just plain scared
 -I'm scared that the man who assaulted me is going to try and harm me or my child (he does know people I know and I will get around to telling him when  I can figure out how to contact him so he hears it from me and not other people)

I wish I'd never gone to that party.

My friend who brought me to that party feels terrible and I wish she didn't. I love her dearly and I hate to see her feeling guilty.

This was a long post but my blog is really the only place I can write about this. I'm sorry to those who follow me to hear about my eating disorder and not my pregnancy but even I realize that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my eating disorder goes away. I'm afraid that my baby is going to be harmed from permanent damage my eating disorder has caused over my life.

Things I need to do:
-take vitamins
-cut out caffine intake (apperently it can cause miscarages)
-tell my parents
-figure out a plan
-find a place to live (maybe the womens shelter)
-see if there is some group for pregnant women with eating disorders (does that exist?)

Please leave comments or questions
and your support means everything to me, my blog may be my only sanctuary in the coming months if no ones else loves me I hope you guys will <3

sometime in life a boy doesn't understand that a drunk girls no still means no.
and then you end up pregnant.
my life is over and my whole family is going to abandon me.
I'd kill myself if a whole other life isn't depending on me to be born.

why did I have to fall for my bestfriend
why.
she's just so lovely.
fuck.

why I suck

Why I suck:
1. I'm still overweight
2. I drink too much whole pop, caffine
3. I have terrible stretch marks from "recovery" weight gain
4.I eat too much junk food and fast food
5. I don't exercise enough for the calorie intake I have
6. I can't make myself beautiful
7. I can't be loved
8. I can't motivate myself to make a change

Working

Today has been tiring. I went to work and it went by really slow. I had a 300 calorie breakfast - a whole wheat  english muffin with hunny and 250 ml of soy chocolate milk - exactly 300 calories. Then I went to work. I got home and had tuna helper nd ice cream forced apon me (fuck dinner table) and then I went to puke it up. Then I ate the salad I planned on eating.
I'm sleepy now so I am going to go to bed, I hope everyone is having a lovely day.
Tomorrow I have school and picked up an extra shift at work.
Love you lovlies!

Discovery

I discovered something today. I was determined to have an extremely low calorie if any at all day. It was going great because I worked all day. Until I got home, my mother decided to force a big plate of tuna helper on me, I got through about half of it and hated myself. My head told me I'd better get rid of it, and if you've been reading my blog for a while you might recall how hard it is for me to make myself vomit. I discovered today a way to make myself vomit and its almost easy, everything can come up. If I stick my fingers quite far back and then slowly move them up it comes up like magic - still with pressure and watering eyes ofcourse. Up came the tuna, then my friends came over, they are usually good about not pressuring me to eat but my one friend who has an eating disorder but is fighting it was there and so I had a strawberry milkshake because it was the only way to get her to have one, and I had my allowable coffee before that and so I slipped into the single bathroom at dq and threw up the shake till i saw coffee coming out. I still don't like the idea of having the food in my body in the first place but if I need to trick people or if I surcome to a binge I can get rid of it.

Unrelated to my eating disorder; I watched a scarryy movie tonight - bad idea.
I also work tomorrow for four hours then not again for 8 days which sucks, my work sucks.

My day on play

Ya I fucked up toady.
I was doing well, hadn't really eaten till lunch hour when my stomach was growling and I convinced myself thats a good thing, then I turned down pizza at my social justice trip today. But then I went out with my friend who have sever depression and an eating disorder and I do my best to not trigger her or anything. So I had to convince her to eat lunch and ofcourse she wouldn't eat if I didn't so I got this biggish subway salad which  was fine and she had a baked potato. Then I ended up eating a snack bag of cajun trail mix (no calorie label) and  popcorn and spagetti later in the day. I felt full and that was wrong. And I don't need to be eating that much but my friend does and more because shes uber uber skinny. FUCK. I guess I'll have to start over tomorrow.

In non food related news; I went on a social justice trip today, we did something called The Bare Foot Walk which is a day event where you raise awareness about children in third world countries who live for under a dollar a day and can't even afford things like shoes. We raised quite a bit of money for the organization and it was great - I did however get a sunburn despite wearing SPF 60.

I also saw The Chernobyl Diaries and it was pretttyyy scary and I don't think I'll ever go visit that abandoned town, 1. Zombies 2. Radio activeness.

My mother is being a particular bitch today. I haven't really seen much of her at all this week due to school, social justice and work and friends and I get home today and she starts screaming at me about the state of my room and how I'm so disgusting and puts me down about everything. She really hates me. If I was dead she wouldn't care.

Beach, little calorie intake

My beach trip was lovely because I love sand and water and got some photography done. My beach trip was bad because I looked extremely over-weight in my bathing suit, I got kinda sunburnt, I ate a shit ton.

Today was good though, I danced for two hours in the morning and then for an hour afterschool, I took a nap and today I've eaten a 6-inch sub on flat bread with lettus, onions, greenpeppers and mustard and some diet coke. thats all! I'm trying to make up for yesterday and eat as little as possible, I even said no to pizza today in my women empowerment group today.

Speaking of my women empowerment group I went to a meeting for that today and got to meet Miss Canada - she's so pretty.

I didn't do much else today but here is a picture of my whitenesss at the beach :)

short beach

I'm going to the beach tomorrow. I feel to fat to go to the beach. I bought a big flowy dress, hopefully it will hide my fatness.
Today I ate a 6 inch veggie sub and a 6 inch tuna sub and drank too much pop.

I'm so tired. Goodnight blogger.

I'm back; life update and pics

I disappeared again! I'm so sorry.  Life is crazy busy. School and work is killing me.
I come back to blogger and the layout is changed *scared of change panic attack*
anyways...
I'm still fat like REALLY ACTUALLY FAT
5foot8 and a bit and 140 pounds as of 3 minutes ago.
I remember being 115 and thinking I was fat. This is fat. I don't wear jeans, I don't wear tank tops. I only wear yoga pants and big shirts. I hide myself.

I try to stay under 800 cals a day. I dance everyday. I walk everyday. I try to work out alot. nothing is working. I'm not losing. I need to do something more.

Life update: besides living fat and hating myself everyday this is what is going on in my life right now.

- waiting on hearing from the Toronto dance programs I auditioned for (they are still undecided on me)
-10 days until a dance show I'm in. 9 dances.
- Working 28 hours a week.
-taking care of 3 majorly depressed friends one of whom is my very best friends it seems I've exaughsted all possible help I can give her. :( but I wont ever give up on her
- sleeping rarely.
- terrible fighting with my mother. she recently chocked me and I cant afford to move out. She makes me feel like I deserve it anyway.


How have you all been?

what I ate toady (today was a fat day)
- skinny vanilla latte
-oat bar
-pop
-chicken burger
-strawberry sunday from work (I work at dairy queen)

the past few days I've only had a 6 inch veggie sub (250cals) everyday. no weight loss.

pictures from recent life


-got my catalage pierced to relieve stress - piercing number 9 I need another one because I cant have an uneven number on my body

from a dance show. my fat fat body on the left. puke everywhere I understand.

way to not go to my first period class today. I need the work out but I hate team sports so I'm going to have to work out alone someother time and still go to dance class.

I feel shitty about my appearance today and I have to model for my friends photography today. ugh.

Can I just go back to bed??

I guess I'd better get my hair in a pony, my face washed and my teeth brushed for school. and eat my morning 60calorie pudding cup.

I don't want to grow old

today has been a good day food wise. I had a low cal (60cals) pudding cup and then worked that off by working hard in fitness, 10 minute run, situps, leg ups ect. Then dance class for some good cardio. then I came home and went to sleep for a long while, ate half a plate of cheesy pasta - cried about it. Did a ten minute full body burn work out because I didn't want to go into the creepy basement to get on the elliptical. And I'm going to do a video called Victoria Beckham Leg workout - funny enough she is my inspiration for legs. So ya and I'm drinking ice water.

Other than food wise my day has been shitty. My one friend is very depressed and I don't know how to help her, I know there isn't much I can do and it is incredibly triggering for me. I really want to cut but I have two photoshoots in the next two days. I've also just been an emotional wreck.

I also may have mentioned before the incredible skinniness that is my dance teacher at school and I was un certain as to wether she was naturally like that or if she's sick like us. She choreography a grade 10 lyrical dance to Courage by Superchick and now I'm really wondering. - funny I wonder about her and she'd have no idea about me because I'm so fat.

my inner voice that many of you call "ana" is back in full force by the way. It's always there but lately Ive  been getting the "you aren't allowed that and you have to do this" voices.

I think this is what I would label as my major relapse. Lets see how this goes. It's only been one day but I feel like its going to be many more. I was to be stick thin like nothing else.

-- i think i hate that my friend is so depressed because I truly care about her but a part of inside thinks "she's beautiful, everyone wants her, she's super thin and yet thinks shes unlovable and fat. if she thinks that then what am i. an abruptness to the world that deserves to be removed.

deep end

I'm going off the deep end.

I can't take all this shit life it throwing at me right now.

I almost lost my bestfriend last night, I rarely ever turn my phone off at night but last night I did because I was at my dads with out my charger and my friend cut herself, alot. far too deep, deep enough to scare her, she texted me freaking out and I didn't get the texts untill I turned my phone on in the morning, these texts about being in a bath tub, not being able to stop the bleeding. Luckly her parents walked in on her and helped. She's alive. She thinks she over reacted but the cuts are bad. Im so upset I can help her. I know what its like to be so addicted to the cutting and I saw this all coming and should have done something. I can't handle it.
My life is also stuck in a rut, nothing matters to me. The person I love has a boyfriend now so thats gone and not helping with my mood.
I'm sick of everything.
My work is ripping me off on hours so I have too much free time. I don't want to tap anymore, I don't want to be on debate team anymore but I'm forcing myself to go so I don't go completely nuts. I'm cutting and I can't tell my friend because I know it will trigger her and I need to be strong for her but hearing her talk about her cuts is triggering me.
I need a change to my apperance as well, I'm tired looking like Ido. I need to change something, what should it be? I need your guy's help.

dance, mother, homework

So I think the audition went well. It was an interesting audition to say the least. I was expecting your usual classical ballet audition but nope. We learnt break dancing then modernized ballet with no counts, then improv which I loved and then across the floor stuff.
It was really fun.
They are only taking 55 more people out of like 300 so I don't know if I'll make it but it was fun to try. I won't find out if I make it until the end of may at the latest.

Today was a long day. that's all really. I've had a headache since this morning and nothing is helping.
my mother is bitching, she brought in dinner and made a fuss about my back pack on the floor (because i was working on a project) and shes yelling so i tell her to please be quiet my head hurts, she threw the dinner and told me I was a disgrace and that shes not surprised my head hurts because Im a stupid child.

I'm so done with her.
This project is due tomorrow I have a feeling I wont be sleeping till like 11pm tomrrow -.-

audition, friends, fuck ups

okay tomorrow [ well I guess today] is the day. my dance audition for university. Probably one of the biggest auditions of my life. I really want to make it in but honestly I dont know if I am that good of a dancer.  I have the pasion yes but not the crazy flexability.
And what am I thinking about on the night before my dance audition - my cellulite on my thighs and ass. its gross. I'm so fat. I lost three pounds but ugh at least 20 more to go to my first goal weight.

I'm tired, I barely slept last night and now its almost 1 am and I have to be up by 4:30am. ugh.

Im not even home since my friend is driving me to my audition. My friend is worse of than me, she is in denial about her disorder. she's thin and beautiful and gets attention from people but she can't see herself as pretty or anything but shit. she's going to a counsellor though - being forced by her parents really, with all my heart I pray she stays with the help she's getting [she's 18 and can refuse help]

anyways I should get some sleep. I hope I make it in to this program, I dont really have anything else to do with my life otherwise. and i've probably influenced my friends  problems so I'm a huge fuck up.

the tale of the bank teller and a crazy girl

"How are you?" says the bank teller. The girl at the other side of the counter squeaks out a "I'm good." If only it were socially acceptable to pour your emotions out to your friendly bank teller or at least whisper "I'm disappearing and drifting  away into a world filled with grey." If only. This girl walks wondering what it feels like to be a happy human. Questioning her humanity and sanity is a daily event. If only she was ignorant to psychological terms of depression, depersonalization, and psychosis she could do something other than label. Not that being ignorant would make the suffering anymore bearable, perhaps even worse. If only it were acceptable to talk to your bank teller. The bank teller could save her.


-- needless to say I am not having a good day. I hadn't eaten anything till about 6pm where I had pasta and tomato sauce. I got in trouble for refusing to buy cheese at the grocery store and coming home with flavoured water, and 5 calorie jello cups. Of course the trouble wasn't about the calories it was about the fact I was sent out for cheese if I wanted cheese.

back

I haven't blogged in forever and I am so sorry :(
I hope some of you are still there <3
I miss you guys
I have been so incredibly busy with working and going to school.
I'm still fat.
My dance audition for university is in three days.
My mother and i had a huge fight today. my dad saw this one and it just created a fight between them aswell.
Im back to stay darlings <3

140.
I can't do anything right.
I deserve to be dead.

come monday I am not eating anything and then fruit or veggies when I thnk I'm going to faint. I'm sick of being disgusting. I'm sick of everything.

what am I up to life

just wanted to post an update about life right now since I haven't been posting much lately. Why haven't I been posting much lately you ask? It's because my laptop is broken and I have to use a very old slow computer for school things and it takes about 20 minutes just to get to my blogger. That I just haven't been doing anything lately.

So this is usually how my days are going  - either skip school and sleep and then do nothing or go to school (I finish at 10:45) and come home and sleep and do nothing.
But that is going to be changing because I finally have a job! I'm going to be working in Dairy Queen - Icecream place in the mall by my house - well it's not really close to my house because it takes me two buses to get there but a job is a job and I am going to be working quite a bit. I am saving up for University. I really want to move out of this house but it might be better for me to just stick it out and work lots and save the money.

Some interesting thnigs that have happend in my life recently: I had a party at my house for my best friends 19th birthday. People got drunk and it was a generally good time.
I really really like someone and ofcourse I can't be with them. There is this girl (yes I am bi-sexual) and we have been close friends for about 3 years now (yes she is bi-sexual to). We are better off best friends though and thats what we have decided. I like her so much though that it hurts alot -.- but as long as we are best friends then I can live with the fact we won't be together.

and today I have to go to the dentist to get three fillings and a cleaning - I HATE the dentist as I have posted quite a few times and I am not looking forward to sitting in a dental chair getting fillings for about 2 and a half hours.

I haven't been eating alot lately and I have been writing down what I do eat in my journal.I'm still 20 pounds over my goal weight though and it sucks.

My depression is also getting worse with this horrid snow/rain/slush weather we are having right now for some reason - the weather usually doesn't effect my depression but for some reason it is. and because of you lovely followers I am working really hard in trying to avoid suicide even though it is on my mind most of the time. You guys really do make me stronger <3

mental break

I had a mental break today.

I was planning on going to the mall with my friend to find a dress for this party on a weekend and I was getting dressed after my shower and changed my outfit honestly 20 times and by the 20th time I was crying because I hate my body do much. I ended up in yoga pants and a sweater. I was so upset and filled with self hate that I cut - right on my wrist which I've been trying not to do because of dance and fitness. I didn't even end up buying a dress because I hand zero self confidence.
The day didn't even start off well - I woke up to go to school and ended up going downstair put on half my uniform and then just felt this imense dread that I couldn't get myself to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there until I got myself in a hot bath then to get ready for the mall. -.-'

day = unsuccessful in everything.

I have have have to go to school tomorrow because I am doing the readings for Ash Wednesday unless of course they gave the part to someone else because I wasn't there today.

and I'm just sitting here now smoking and listening to music because I can't sleep.

I hope everyones day was so much better than mine.

baby showers

today I went to my sister in law's baby shower. I happy faced it even though I was the youngest and barely knew anyone there. I have such bad social anxiety. Seeing her face opening up the baby gifts I got her was lovely though.
My sister spent some time with me today, helped me with some school stuff - I love her, I wish I could tell her how much I hurt all the time. She just had her birthday and was talking about how strange it is to be so old and its funny because as she was talking all I could think was "wow I'm never going to make it to that age, I'll be long dead."

I'm off to bed now because tomorrow I get to babysit two boys aged 2 and 7 for 5 hours. They are pretty easy to babysit and super cute - one is a little hyper active but easy to distract with tv and toys. I love babysitting, seeing a happy child just makes me happy.

I hope everyone is doing well.

lots of love <3

let me know how you are! :)

bleeding vomiting spinning falling

I hate food but its all I think about - and I'm sure each and everyone of you can relate to that.

I also hate that it is incredibly hard for me to vomit - this might be a little too descriptive or tiggering so I apologize;  I caved and ate something that is not allowed in my mind and so I had to try and get rid of it - I can hunched over the toilet with three fingers down my throat - like really down their and I could only throw up a little - it took me so long to get enough up to stop and by then my eyes were red and the back of my hand was bleeding because of the amount of pressure my teeth had on it digging into it. And this is why it sucks to give in to my restricted foods.

Also since I have been in dance and fitness cutting on my wrists and arms where I usually do has become virtually impossible since I don't want people to see so now my sides are covered in little cuts -.-' changing is incredibly awkward in the changing rooms but luckily so far I've been able to get into a bathroom stall.

I'm also particularily lonely feeling since Valentines Day is in a few days but I honestly think its just an excuse to feel more lonely since I don't really understand Valentines Day anyway - you should do special things with your loved one anyday. For those who have loved ones -.- unlike me. I'm not loveable.

so after my first week of  fitness and dance the outcome was - extremely sore muscles xD
can't wait till next week- ha.

Other than that I've just been sleeping and such.

I've been quite lately, down, the usual.

Today I have to get from my house across town to a model fitting - there is a snow squall outside and the buses are running on Sunday schedules. UGH

school is already kicking my ass into gear.

today for example I did;
-50 minutes of hip hop
- 120 minutes of walking
- 40 minutes on a tread mill
- 25 minutes of weights
- 10 minutes on an elliptical
- 10 minutes sit ups

And tomorrow I have to do the beep test in fitness.
I also haven't been blogging because I haven't been doing anything - I even fell asleep at 7pm yesterday.

So now I am off to have a hot bath.

love you all <3

I haven't made a blog post in awhile D: sorry everyone!

I haven't really gotten out of bed to do much this week - I have this week off before my second semester starts.

Tonight I did get out of bed because I went to see Lights in concert - she was really good live I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Second semester starts monday and I am actually excited - I have dance and fitness so it will help me lose some weight - yay!

ok im off to go on tumblr or somethnig

love you!

Today was actually an okay day. this does not happen very often.
I woke up a little after noon hour, I went on the computer and then my friend came over for a bit. Then I went to my friends house for their family night (their family really likes having me over). We watched wedding shows and such. I ate fruit today and some dinner.
Thats all I really did and that was okay.
Things I should have done today however; - Study for my politics exam monday, -go to my fathers, -send in my supplementary audition form for dance university program as I don't have many days left.
obviously I procrastinate.

my friend got some of my modelling photos to me. here you go

trapped

                                                     [yes this is me in my fat legged glory]
I'm trapped and I can't find a way out.
This life seems like its going to mount to nothing.
I'm useless and fat.
I'm going to go eat myself into a candy sugar enduced coma now and then go on the eliptical for like four hours and still be fat.
I just want to die.

some random light at the end of the tunnel- I got booked for a chanel gala charity fashion show. No pay but it might help get my foot in the door. They probably won't like me because I'm to fat to be a model. Measurements are this sunday.

[just smiling through the devastation inside]

anywhere but here

     There is so much that I want that I can't have here. I want to be such unrealistic things; I want to be a model and actress and dancer. Why did I have to want to be something so unattainable from my town, plus I am not pretty enough.
    I want to move back to the UK, I don't remember it but I have more family there, maybe I could start over there. If I ever have the opportunity to move back I will because I would be all set, I wouldn't even have to worry about any citizen stuff because I am one - yay for living in two countries.

anyway enough of my longing for something that isn't here. I have to go to school tomorrow and ofcourse I am awake at two in the morning - like wide awake. My sleep pattern is fucked.

I think I am going to go eat something and throw it up because I'm just that fucked up and I feel like I'm being "told" to, you know? like its either don't eat or "since you have no will power and will eat you HAVE to throw it up"

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "IM DEPRESSED, I HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE, HELP ME, FIX ME."  but no one is listening and I couldn't do it anyway. it's never going to go away. I was born this way - no gaga reference intended.
picture for today? I don't even know if I like it and my face isn't even in it.

My presentation went pretty well thank goodness!
I didn't go to school the next day though because I slept in then just said fuck it and slept for the rest of the day.
my friggen laptop has overheated and eaten three cords and is about to get through another- i honestly need a new laptop all together.
I'm stuck at my dads alll weekend so I am going to be extremely bored.
I don't have much else to write about.
stay strong beautifuls <3

rollercoaster day and a flashback

Today was a huge roller coaster.
In the beginning it was bad; I was nervous about my presentation and my stomach hurt really badly. I was called down to the office over the PA system and decided to ignore it.
It got better when we ran out of time for me to present so I get to go today, and then I went home and my stomach started to feel better and I got a letter in the mail - it was from a international poetry contest I had entered and it turns out that I am a semi-finalist in the competition and my poem is going to be published. I was extremely excited and so was my dad. Then I rewarded myself with a nap; I woke up a few hours later to my mother screaming about the mess of the house and more hating me. She didn't care about my poem.
The day got better again when I went to my friends house for a bit.
Then the day got much worse, my mother woke up around 1am and my friends were over - she kicked us out and I didn't get out of the house until she came down - she started screaming at me about my father telling her she was nuts and she was saying how I am a horrible daughter which escaled in her pushing me down and kicking me once or twice - so I booked it out of the house, and the thought crossed my mind that my mothers eyes were extremly dialiated so I think shes on drugs - again, and shes already an alchoholic.
need less to say its 5am and I am still up and I present today and I'm going to movie today so no nap time. ugghhh.  and I cut tonight.

I feel like giving you guys a flash back to me a few years ago. I was sicker than I am now though. I wore baggy  clothes a lot and wanted nothing more than to weigh nothing - I need to get back to a tiny size.

crazy day head spinning

I've had quite the day. I didn't go to school (big surprise huh) but I went to my friends house later in the day after a huge fight with my mom that resulted in her trashing my room and going around the house saying she wish she could have aborted me.
and at my friends house my friend keeled over in pain in her side and I had to take her to the emergency room; now thank god for our free health care and all but we have the longest waiting room times known to man - after being looked at by a nurse me and my friend had to wait in the emergency waiting for from 5 hours!! and then we got in to see a doctor and had to wait another hour and a half to get results back only for her to be given a shot of pain medication and told to come back for more testing tomorrow. They think something is wrong with her reproductive track so she broke down crying which made me cry and we were both so tired we cried harder. So we got back at about 3in the morning.
Now you think thats all right? WRONG. I have to present a project tomorrow on the ownership of the arctic and I only just finished my slide show and now its too late to go to bed and I feel like I'm dying.
lovely huh.
and to make it all a little ironic - I almost passed out from not eating today and barely eating anything yesterday so I bought some food to be sane for my friend and it came to 6 dollars and 66 cents.
I'm going to look like shit giving my presentation tomorrow but oh well.
I hope everyone had a much better day than me :)

oh and with that guy- he never showed up to talk to me - lied to my friends face about not knowing I wanted to talk to him and he got a girlfriend the other day - whom he had gone out with before but cheated on though she doesnt seem to care. So I'm done with him - he is no longer going to have any effect on my life.
I can not wait till I get home tomorrow so I can take a nap.

stuck but falling

like a wall that keeps out the happiness
If the wall is up long enough you begin to wonder
Does happiness even exist

I'm so tired; sleepy tired and life tired.

Tomorrow is going to be shitty. I have to talk to the boy to get him to shut the fuck up, I also want him to say to my face that it ment nothing to him. If I break I break.

I hope all you lovelies have a much better day <3

drama and fruitcakes

I handed in my project yesterday yay. I make a 15 minute presentation on Wednesday about the ownership of the Arctic [how interesting huh...]
Friday had good bits and bad one, most bad though, that guy I was telling you about [the one I slept with] is still going around telling people and then he told someone who knows me and she came to me and said exactly what he said and so he is saying that us sleeping together ment nothing to him and that it was annoying that I liked him so much and he just wanted to sleep with me for no reason. I FUCKING HATE HIM. There are a bunch of my friends who just want to kick the shit out of him and he knows it. I was going to talk to him but its like he dropped of the planet. I broke down in school because what he said hurt so bad because it ment alot to me to be with him. ugh.

my friday included; not eating, drama shit, booze.

Today however is a better day, I got to go to the mall and my dad is actually being nice for once and I got salad and fruit. 

I hope everyone is having a lovely day! 

want sleep

I'm starting to feel better and I have to go to school tomorrow.
The one night I wanted to go to bed early because I was tired I have this massive politics project due tomorrow.
I have written 8 political article summaries for my current events portfolio and I have two more to write which will probably take an hour. Sadly it has reached the point that if I go to sleep I will not wake up in time -.-' fail.
I should not have procrastinated and then I got sick and completely forgot that this project exsited.
The last two weeks before exams are always the most crazy.

I hope everyone is well.

I actually worked out today since I was feeling better. . . well better enough.

update --------------------------------------------------------
4,500 words later, 21 pages. I am finished this project. running on empty but glad it is done. question is - should I sleep for three hours and hope to wake up?

sick

I can not express how much I love every single one of you <3
I'm saying fuck you to highschool and forgetting about the people who don't like me for who I am.

In other news - I am still sick - its getting worse - I couldn't even go to school today. Medicine is barely working. I have having a super poor immune system. I hope this doesn't turn into pneumonia.

I haven't gotten out of bed today but I guess the good thing about that is that I haven't eaten anything today.

I will comment on blogs later but right now even typing it hard so I'm going to go back to sleep.

lots of love lovelies <3

fucktoday

today was a shitty beyond shitty day. like super over the top shitty.
I HATE highschool - I should not have come back for an extra year to better my education. nope.
highschool drama is discusting. apperently I am a lying slut who deserves to be hated. and you know WHY? because I slept with someone who I thought really liked me DRUNK at a party - I made a mistake and the guy I slept with told everyone he felt like - I told noone because I wanted to keep it private - and according to my ex boyfriend this means I'm a liar since I didn't tell him, we were broken up a good 3 months when I slept with this guy so why should I tell him. So all that pretty much went BOOM today. UGH.
plus my parents are idiot and you get the idea.
tonight I should have been at dance to get these emotions out but NO because dance was taken away from me. I couldn't dance in my basement because my mom didn't want me there. SO I fucking cut.
fuckfuckfuckfuck
and you know what hilarious IM A FUCKING FAT COW. I'm 130 pounds! EW BARF I am at one of my highest weights and I keep fucking eating. IM STUPID.
I need to restrict and exersice.

that is all.
tomorrow I have tap at school at least.

love you all - hope you had a better day than I

update and sick

I've been distant. I haven't commented on blogs but no worries - i am reading <3

I've self harmed alot lately - funny thing is I think its keeping me alive.

I bought a new dance leotard for my uni audition - it'll come in the mail in 15 days.

I am sooooooo sick  - horrid cold at the moment. sore throat, fever, stuffy/runny nose. blaahhh

and i think i atttract misery and people who want to open up to me - two people told me they dont see the point in living today and one person said they hated themselves - i tried my best to help but I am such a hiprocrite. and honestly its a trigger to me - these people are so wonderful and im shit -  i should be dead and they shouldnt want to die - i want them to be happy.

i need some sleep now

be strong lovlies - i love yo all

plans and thanks

thank you everyone for your supportive comments <3 they really helped.
each and everyone of you is right - I can't let my passion die - I have created a plan, I sent in my applications for the dance program at university. And I  am going to try my best to dance at home in my basement.

Also since I am not dancing 5 days a week I need something else to put myself into - I sent in my audition resume for a new TV series so hopefully i get an audition.
Also I have been contacted by to photographers to do some modelling.
hopefully one of these things picks up and I won't go bonkers.

Last night my mother was in a horrible mood and yelled at me all night telling me I am a waste of space that will never succeed. You think hearing that all my life it would get easier to ignore over the years. It doesn't.

That bottle of coedine has moved from the bathroom cabinet into my bedroom dresser door. its still in my mind.

on an other note -  I haven't eaten all day.

thank you everyone for supporting me -  i honestly need it right now.
I don't feel like talking much.
my dad would not budge at all about dance; i no longer have dance classes - my heart is broken. I even told him I didnt think i could stay alive with out them and he didnt care. money and vacation is more important to him.

life sucks
family sucks
I am alone in my life
except for you lovlies <3

he took everything I had

My father took away my dance lessons. All of them. I am a mess. I can't go on with out my dance, dance is my sanity. Dance is my future. Dance is all I ever want to do with my life. I had to fight so hard to be allowed to dance this year and now he's taking it all away. and you know why he has decided that I no longer get to do the one thing I love ? because he would rather go on vacation to Las vegas. He is a stupid fucking idiot and I never want to speak to him again. I'm going over to his house today to see if I can talk him into giving me my dance back because I will die without it, I won't get into the university program I want without it and I won't be able to compete without going to my studio.My whole life will be over. And honestly I have a whole bottle of codeine just waiting for me. I can slip out of this world in a numb stance; swallow a bunch of pills and slit my wrists. Then I'll be at peace.
But first I must fight for my dance.
I broke down so horribly after finding this out yesterday that I went into a kind of psychosis and my friend picked me up; put me in her car and made me stay at her place last night. It helped and I got lots of love from her two dogs but honestly I just can't take my family bullshit anymore. I feel like I have no control over my life; nothing is going my way and I'm sick and tired of living like this.

my father doesn't realize he took my whole heart.

new years stuff and ramblings

This could potentially be a long post - just a warning ;)

First off - happy new year. I didn't make a new years resolution and I never really have, I mean in school we use to have to make one up but I never did it or it was something that didn't really matter. I suppose if this was like school and I HAD to make one it would be to find love? I don't know - I'm feeling lonely and I have no one I'm interested in that I'd even have a shot with. I'm to fucked up to be in a relationship anyway I suppose.

My new years was actually okay; besides all my friends being significantly trashed as fuck and me having to do all the taking care of. I enjoyed fireworks and some entertainment.

My best friend is no longer allowed to sleepover at my house anymore because my mom rented the spare room in our home to her boyfriend and her parents think that it is inappropriate for her to be sleeping over now. It really sucks, and shes usually a barrier for me and my mum to not fight. ugh.

I feel like I had much more to say before I actually started writing. hmm. lets give some random tid-bits shall we?
- I have to go to my dad's house tomorrow or the next day to apply for school
-I have to get flooring in the basement for my dance room
- I have a headache right now and I think I might be getting sick
-My hands are fucking freezing.
-I am almost done a book called 'cut' and I'm in love with it
-I have one more week of holiday vacation
-I'm going to sell some of my stuff and can't decide between ebay and kijiji.
-I need to stay vlogging soon - I've been talking about it for a while.
-I found pills yesterday - that I had left over from a surgury. . . I never though pills would be my way out of this world but it crossed my mind the second I found them, ya I'm fucking
-I cut my face a few days ago - stupid.

I think thats it - maybe that post is pretty long - ha.

I hope everyone had a wonderful new years and now I'm off to read blogs <3 love you!

here is a pic from my newyears!